Baseball, Biglaw, Drugs, No Offers, Sports

Getting No-Offered And Talking Sports

A brief tangent. I was shocked and appalled to find out that I wasn’t asked my thoughts about being no-offered by your summer firm. As, perhaps, the only ATL writer who found himself in such a situation, I thought my insights would be particularly valuable. Instead of cobbling together that fake-as-hell gchat (“I think that is a fine point, sir. As I cogitate on this question, allow me to interject a brief few words in support of the fair maiden whose plight we now consider.”), they could have asked me: straight up, what did you do when Baker & McKenzie no-offered you?

Excellent question, Lat. I let a single teardrop roll down my cheek like I was Denzel in Glory. Then I picked myself up, slapped my dog in the face and did, like, 16,000 biceps curls. I determined that I wasn’t going to let some dumb dumb law firm dictate my life’s trajectory. I was going to be a huge success, someday reaching upwards of two dozen people as a writer for the Internet’s preeminent website for law firm bonuses and women’s shoes. I was also not going to let Baker’s decision get in the way of my life’s dream to one day work at a terrible office filled with half-wit lunatics who either don’t know I’m a lawyer or don’t care. To quote Matthew Wilder, I decided that no law firm gonna break-a my stride, nobody’s gonna slow me down. Oh no. I’ve got to keep on moving!

I also considered taking a huge dump outside Baker’s offices.

Let’s talk sports…


At times, it’s difficult to remember why you became a lawyer in the first place. The tediousness of it all. The minutiae. The glorified secretarial slog. And then some caricature straight out of a pulpy crime novel emerges to remind you that there are alphas among us.

Joe Tacopina is the cartoon that Alex Rodriguez hired to defend him against Major League Baseball’s attempts to suspend the slugger for a bajillion games. Rather than diligently prepare discovery motions, Tacopina has waged all-out warfare on the league, the New York Yankees, and boredom. Last week, Tacopina said that the Yankees wanted a surgeon to botch Alex Rodriguez’s surgery:

A New York Times article Saturday detailed Rodriguez’s new lawyer, Joseph Tacopina, saying Levine told Dr Bryan Kelly, the doctor who performed hip surgery on Rodriguez in January, he didn’t “ever want to see him on the field again.”

Tacopina said Levine wanted Dr. Kelly to make sure Rodriguez could not return from the surgery so the Yankees could collect insurance on the $114 million remaining on Rodriguez’s contract before the start of the 2013 season.

“The obvious implication there is if the surgery is not successful, I’m good with that,” Tacopina said. “Anyone with a brain can understand the implication of that. It was something that troubled Dr. Kelly so much that he decided to relay it to Alex Rodriguez, his patient.”

This is some next-level bats**t lawyering. Tacopina’s not concerned with whether Alex Rodriguez injected steroids. He has another story he’d like to tell and it involves movie villains and conspiracy-mongering that would make a 9/11 truther blush. The Yankees, who have swallowed billions of dollars in bad contracts over the last decade, wanted so desperately to be free of A Rod, that they set out to sabotage his surgery.

Tacopina even summoned the ghost of Steinbrenner to shame the Yankees, saying the legacy of the late owner would be “horrified” by the actions of Levine and company. The man who hired an ex-con to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield would have surely blanched at the way his club is acting. You remember when Steinbrenner called Hideki Irabu a fat toad? Man, that guy was the best.

On Monday morning, Major League Baseball showed that Bud Selig’s clan ain’t nothing to f**k with, surprising Tacopina on national TV with a bozo rejoinder to his wackadoo posturing:

Joe Tacopina, an attorney for Alex Rodriguez, was caught off guard Monday morning when Matt Lauer surprised him with a letter from Major League Baseball on the “Today” show.

Lauer told Tacopina that signing the document would release both sides from the confidentiality provisions enforced by the Joint Drug Agreement, a move that would then make it open season on any records involved with Rodriguez’s case.

“This letter’s nice,” Tacopina said to Lauer. “They could have sent it to me last night and I would have been prepared to execute it.”

This letter’s nice, but *gulp*. Hoisted by his own retard, Tacopina was caught flat-footed. And so it’s back to the drawing board for New York’s number one spinner of fantastic yarns and headlines. Somewhere, at this very moment, Joe Tacopina hatches another tale of wide-eyed lunacy.


In this occasional feature, we catch up with Aaron Hernandez to find out what’s ‘sup with him. Yesterday, Hernandez was indicted for… murder! But that was to be expected. What wasn’t to be expected was the volume of correspondence that has flowed from Hernandez’s pen since he entered the… pen. This week brought the third missive written by Hernandez from jail. These letters consist mostly of protestations of innocence followed by requests for cigarettes and Rita Hayworth posters.

This column doesn’t normally break news. It usually merely mishandles it. But I’m proud to report that we were lucky to get our mitts on the fourth letter that Hernandez wrote while in jail. Without further ado or anymore of my dumb words, here is an Above the Law exclusive. From Aaron Hernandez’s jail cell:

yall n_____ kneed to kook up kokane wif bking soda and sell it.


P.S. ppprrrrr


* Ty Lawson was arrested along with his pregnant girlfriend for scuffling. Two months from punching above his weight class and three months from punching below it.

* A Romanian princess was arrested in an Oregon cockfighting ring. The princess’s husband stiffly rejected the suggestion that they were involved in any sort of cock ring.

* Jerry Remy’s son appears to be an inhuman monster.

Yankees president Randy Levine challenges A-Rod to release medical records
[Sporting News]
Lawyer Says the Yankees Misled Rodriguez About His Injuries [New York Times]
Aaron Hernandez, in letter from jail, tells fan he’s ‘a great dude,’ fears his daughter will never know him [Daiy News]

(hidden for your protection)

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