Student loans are a real bitch, and declaring bankruptcy won’t even save you from them — unless you can prove you’ve got undue hardship and a “certainty of hopelessness” about you, which most people have too much pride to admit. Without government payment plans like Income-Based Repayment, Pay As You Earn, and Public Service Forgiveness, a much larger portion of our population would be living in a van down by the river, still drowning in educational debts, but too far off the grid for the bill collectors to come a-knocking.
This is why people absolutely lost their minds when the Daily Currant, a satirical online newspaper, published a story about President Barack Obama’s supposed bid to forgive all student loans. Given the responses, it looks like the youth of America is still in need of some change they can believe in…
Again, for those of you playing along at home, the Daily Currant publishes “purely fictional” news, but this useful tidbit seems to have escaped the masses who took to the internet to celebrate the message allegedly delivered by Obama on Friday, just after he suggested cutting law school down to size:
President Obama announced a plan today to forgive 100 percent of all federal student loans in the country.
In a speech in Scranton, PA the president told an assembled crowd that it was unfair to hold college graduates to promises they made as students and outlined his vision for ending all student loan payments by the end of the year.
“Just because someone borrowed a bunch of money doesn’t mean they have to pay it back,” he explained to a friendly crowd at Scranton University. “This isn’t 19th century England. This is America. And in America we’ve always believed in second chances.”
As much as we would love to be able to say that loan forgiveness for all would happen before the end of the year, much like the word “fetch,” it’s just not going to happen. But those of us who had difficulty with reading comprehension and didn’t realize the article was fake had some rather entertaining responses:
OMG OBAMA IS LIKE STUDENT LOAN JESUS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME OF MY STUDENT LOANS
— DANCESTADAMUS (@dances) August 23, 2013
Would you recite Hail Marys matching the number of loan dollars you owe in exchange for Saint Obama’s forgiveness? Sure. Would Obama have been the greatest president since Lincoln if he were able to free the student loan repayment slaves from their debts? Possibly. Would you volunteer to bend over to the front, touch your toes, back that ass up and down, and get low for loan forgiveness? Definitely.
We’ve got to ask: How much educational debt do you have, and what would you do for loan forgiveness?
Earlier: Dear Obama, Instead Of Talking About Law Schools, You Could Actually Do Something
Not Even Bankruptcy Will Make Your Student Loans Go Away
Can You Show ‘Undue Hardship’ On Your Student Loans? You May Be Surprised.