Before we get to the intelligent sports conversation that is the stock-in-trade of this column, let’s discuss Titillating Tales. On Wednesday, I asked all of you to send me stories. I want to be clear in this space that I am accepting ALL stories. What’s the funniest thing that has happened at a bar review? What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done in bungling an assignment for a partner? Have you ever tried to date a colleague? Did it end as it should, in a pile of self-loathing and salty tears? If you have a story you’d like to tell, please email it to firstname.lastname@example.org and don’t forget to cc email@example.com. This is significantly cheaper than therapy and I’ve toyed around with the idea of making a T-shirt for whomever tells the best/funniest story. The T-shirt may include puffy paint and may include a picture of Garrison Keillor and may include my crude rendering of a huge monkey. The monkey’s doing terrible stuff with his one hand and the monkey’s tail is hanging down and on the tail are the words “TITILLATING TAIL WORLD CHAMPION 2013.” Now that I’m committing this thought to writing, I realize I may need to outsource the artwork. No matter.
This week, we’ve got Craig James accusing Fox Broadcasting of bias against Christian folk and O.J. Simpson stealing cookies. No weeze, Juice. Classic Encino Man reference for all my over-30 homies.
Let’s talk anything but my receding hairline.
Let’s talk sports…
TO BE FAIR, JESUS HAD A BIT OF A MARTYR COMPLEX TOO
Craig James has a bit of a hooker problem. But this week’s news has nothing to do with that. Instead, it has to do with James’s unceremonious departure from Fox Sports after just a few days on the job. James was dumped because he’s a blowhard who ran a disastrously embarrassing campaign for Senate in Texas and whose public profile is that of a blowhard who ran a disastrously embarrassing campaign for Senate in Texas. Naturally, it’s James’s love of another man that got him run by the secularists over at Fox. Y’see, James is gay for Jesus. From Breitbart via Deadspin:
“I was shocked that my personal religious beliefs were not only the reason for Fox Sports firing me but I was completely floored when I read stories quoting Fox Sports representatives essentially saying that people of faith are banned from working at Fox Sports,” James told Breitbart News. “That is not right and surely someone made a terrible mistake.”
Not since dice games were being played in North Africa has someone feigned shock so transparently. The bit about people of faith being banned from working at Fox Sports is an especially smug touch. This, of course, is no different than any other firing that has ever occurred at any company anywhere. First, there’s the sincere belief that the person who got s**tcanned is special. But then, there’s the attempt to place his firing in the context of everyone else. NO ONE IS SAFE!!!111
Everyone is safe, Craig. The whipped fart on this turd sundae, though, is the letter James’s legal reps from Liberty Institute sent to Fox. You’d think they were describing Jesus hisself by the way they describe James. More importantly, they utilize the black friend defense:
That is why Mr. James hired the very best campaign consultant/advisor he could find for his run for the United States Senate in Texas, a man who happens to be openly gay.
Running a Craig James for Senate campaign is the height of camp.
I refuse to wade into the merits of James’s case here. For the umpteenth time, I didn’t pay attention to the few classes of law school that I actually did attend. I can’t tell you whether James has an employment discrimination claim. Is that the Lemon test? I can’t tell you whether Texas being an at-will employment state has any bearing on the results of James’s lawsuit. Pretty sure that has something to do with International Shoe? What I do know is that Craig James is an insufferable doucher and no jury verdict will upset that absolute, no-doubt-about-it fact. This is the legal analysis you visit this site for. You’re welcome.
NICOLE’S MURDERER IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PACK OF LORNA DOONES
The National Enquirer reported this week that former professional running back O.J. Simpson was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. Simpson, who is most famous for a series of rental car commercials, is thought to have The Sugars. If true, this would mean that he is putting his health in peril by committing such a brazen act of cookie theft. Asked why he would risk everything for what must have been a stack of terrible prison cookies, the famed sideline reporter said:
I don’t care how cheap that joke is. That hungry blue bastard gets me every time. Cracks my s**t up.
RAP SHEET ROLL CALL
* Doughy Boston Celtic Jared Sullinger will likely be charged with THE domestic assault.
* Justice Department lawyers urged a federal judge to allow the case against Lance Armstrong to proceed, arguing that drugs are bad and Lance seems like a prick. The judge is expected to weigh competing arguments that this is an enormous waste of everyone’s time and who cares.
* San Francisco 49er Aldon Smith is now in rehab after being arrested for DUI last Friday. He’s currently listed on the injury report as drunk.
O.J. Simpson Caught Stealing Cookies From Prison Chow Hall, Says Report [Huffington Post]