It was at some point during the Pleistocene Era that man first learned how to play grab ass. In the locker rooms of that day, on the golf course, pretty much anywhere you found two cavedudes hanging out, they were grabbing at each other all fun-like. Fast forwarding just a couple decades, the ancient Greeks formalized this game as wrestling and built up around the new sport a festival that would celebrate dudes just hanging out, being dudes. Greeks from all over got together and got naked and just grabbed and pulled at each other, sweat glistening off their meaty torsos. The competition itself was secondary to the camaraderie, which was mostly made up of the aforementioned tugging and pulling and rasslin’, naked bodies gyrating in tune to nature’s dictates about motion and the human form. Also at this time, someone (probably Aristotle or Plato) came up with the idea of amateurism to describe what was happening at the Games. This idea, of course, has evolved over the years into what now comprises college sports in this country along with countless amateur-themed websites that require 5 dollars for monthly subscriptions. Same kind of deal at work in both. [Ed. note: Juggalo Law is not a trained historian and, in fact, boasts loudly and often that he got into law school solely on “huge balls and forged transcripts.” We’re not even sure he’s literate.]
Next February, the Olympics will be held in a country that would rather not hear about gay stuff, be it from prehistory, antiquity, or now. Russia, a nation in desperate thrall to the diminutive former hubcap thief Vladimir Putin, has outlawed pro-gay “propaganda.” And so now the world’s eyes turn to Russia to see what will happen when a virulently bigoted law bumps up against the notorious gay curling mafia.
Let’s talk biathletes.
Let’s talk sports…
A new president of the International Olympic Committee was elected this week and he is a German lawyer and Olympic fencing champion named Thomas Bach. His immediate task is reconciling a supremely odious law that bans public support for gay rights with the needs and desires of thousands of mouthy, horny athletes just looking to pop off. To that end, Bach has one of the most poorly drafted anti-discrimination charters on his side. The Olympic version of that old chestnut reads:
6. Any form of discrimination with regard to a country or a person on grounds of race,
religion, politics, gender or otherwise is incompatible with belonging to the Olympic
Or otherwise. Race, religion, politics, gender or whatever, man. Not trying to be all specific. Just, you know. Some s**t like those other things I just said.
This broad policy butts up against another Olympic rule which strictly prohibits political demonstrations by athletes. So how to reconcile these two rules which butt up against one another? Dick Pound!!?:
“It’s a disgusting law, but when you are there, you are there as a guest,” IOC member Dick Pound of Canada said. “If I were the IOC, I would say, `You know the rule, there is to be nothing. If you violate it, you risk being disciplined.’’’
Listen to Dick Pound, guys. None of that gay stuff around Dick Pound. If the athletes want to speak out about sex of any kind, they should remember Dick Pound. Fellas????… Dick Pound.
ALTRUISM VIA SOMETHING CALLED A VANITY PLATE
Yesterday brought news that a Houston attorney named Tony Buzbee had broken the record for most expensive license plate in Texas when he won a plate that reads “12THMAN” with a winning bid of $115,000. To put that amount in perspective, $115,000 could buy me 115,000 lap dances. Because I go to horrible strip clubs and am notoriously stingy.
Buzbee has a plan for his new automobile identifier:
Buzbee plans to give the license plates to a decorated war veteran who graduated from Texas A&M.
“I’m not saying who it is yet, but I see him as a 12th Man to our country,” said Buzbee, who said he was a former officer in the U.S. Marine Corps. “He did a lot more than pay a hundred thousand dollars for a license plate.”
God bless you for your service, young man. Here is a ridiculously pricy bauble that will hang on the back of your car, letting everyone who bothers to read the plate know that you’re a tremendous douche with an unparalleled love for the land grant institution you graduated from. Gig ‘em?
TEXAS, TAKE TWO
I’ll make this one short, because (1) I don’t have a ton to add to this story and (b) it is well past my bedtime as I write these words.
“This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”–Kerouac, you idiots.
Anyway, this excerpt from a book titled The System: The Glory and Scandal of Big-Time College Football (affiliate link) is well worth reading. It’s about that cretinous loudmouth Craig James and it’s also about Pepperdine Law grad Mike Leach. It’s about a vortex of assholery that is hard to imagine. About a peculiar brand of Texan that reaches not for their gun, but for their lawyer, as they do battle to see who can be more loathsome. Put yourself in professional reading position and take a look.
RAP SHEET ROLL CALL
* Denver Broncos linebacker Von Miller was given two traffic citations this week. Naturally, his superiors and those at league headquarters have taken this opportunity to catch the vapors and treat him like a child.
* UConn forward Tyler Olander was charged with a DUI over the weekend. The boys at the station nicknamed him Tyler Olestra, cause he s**t himself at the first sign of trouble.
* A Red Sox fan was arrested after allegedly trying to choke the Tampa Bay Rays mascot. Reached for comment, the fan yelled “Sawx fawking rool!!!!!!!!!!!”
Bach now faces the Sochi gay rights issue [Chicago Tribune]
Texas vanity plate sells for $115K [ESPN]
The battle between Mike Leach and Craig James at Texas Tech [CNNSI]