Murder, Sports

The Wheels Of Justice Turn Slowly For Sean Taylor

Sean Taylor was murdered on November 27, 2007. To give you some perspective on that date, just consider the following. In 2007, Above the Law was a free insert that ran in every other issue of Soldier of Fortune magazine. There, amongst the gun reviews and true tales of heroism, was David Lat’s humble legal gossip circular. In 2007, I was finishing my first semester of my second year of law school. I was taking Complex Lit or Fed Jur or Antitrust. Gearing up for all the abstract federal antitrust work I currently handle at Garbage Jobs ‘R Us, I guess? In 2007, an ounce of gold was worth two-and-a-half cents and two-and-a-half cents down could get you a house. With a pool. Or a pond. Pond would be good for you.

In 2007, Barack Obama was a Senator and David Souter was a judge. In 2007, I pissed in my bed two nights in a row. The first time was jarring, but ultimately surmountable. The second time was much more frightening as I discovered that a bed only comes with two sides that can be reasonably slept on. In 2007, the number one song was Rihanna’s “Umbrella.” It would not be until 2008 that I truly listened to this song. In 2008, my friends really hated me.

In 2007, the Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. I was at a house party where I attacked the keg viciously and without mercy upon my arrival. Shortly after Devin Hester ran the opening kickoff back for a touchdown, I threw up in my friend’s toilet and passed out in someone’s bed. I awoke after halftime to discover that everyone hated me. This would turn out to be good training for 2008.

In 2007, Sean Taylor was murdered. This week, the trial date for his alleged murderers was set for this October.

Let’s talk sports…


I was shocked to find out this week that the alleged murderer(s) of Sean Taylor were still waiting for their trials to begin. Four of the five alleged to have participated in a robbery that ultimately ended in Taylor’s death have been incarcerated since they were arrested shortly after Taylor’s death. The prosecutor’s office in the case recently defended the glacial pace that the trial is taking:

“We don’t think there will realistically be a trial before next spring,” Miami-Dade state attorney spokesperson Terry Chavez told the Washington Post. “When we get ready for trial, we want to make sure we can say we turned over every stone.”

The number of co-defendants adds to the case’s complexity, but even so this pace apparently is typical for jurisprudence in Miami.

“Even just a regular felony case in Miami can easily take a year-and-a-half or two years to go to trial,” said Miami criminal attorney David Edestein, who has no tie to the trial. “When dealing with a case involving first-degree murder, it can take even longer depending on the complexity of the case and the seriousness of it.”

Oops, sorry. That’s from a USA Today article in 2009. No, actually, the prosecutor’s office recently had this to say about the sloth-like pace:

“These kinds of cases – never mind a case with four or five defendants – they take years to go to trial,” said Terry Chavez, a public information officer for the Miami-Dade Office of the State Attorney. “We really, really try very hard to turn every stone over and make sure we have investigated everything we need to investigate.”

Naw, just playing. That’s from 2010. Note the consistency with which stone-turning is employed. They may not convict any criminals, but g-ddammit, they’re gonna turn over some big f**king stones!

So there are no recent comments from the attorneys in this case because the judge has imposed a gag order for the last few years. The stone masons over at the prosecutor’s office are surely to blame for this. At any rate, the recent news suggests that one of the reasons for the inordinately long delay is that the alleged shooter in the case has switched attorneys several times. This strategem narrowly beats out Jack Handy’s for criminal cunning:

If I was being executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I’d say, “Injection? I thought you said inspection’.” They’d probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

Deep thoughts, you guys. Deep thoughts.


* Chris “Birdman” Andersen is the latest sports figure to be “catfished.” Andersen is getting a ton of positive press out of the deal, and the lesson to draw from all of this is clear: Manti Te’o should have pretended his girlfriend was a child.

* The NFL is going after MIA. Vietnam veterans everywhere just hope that the monolithic sports league’s next goal is to go after the POWs. Bring ’em home, football. Bring ’em all home.

* A Long Island golfer is suing a Cancun golf course after a crocodile bit his fingers off. Reached for comment, the crocodile smiled that big toothy crocodile grin and spit three human fingers in my face.


* A federal appeals court upheld Barry Bonds’s obstruction of justice conviction last Friday. His head goes on trial this year on charges that it is obstructing the sun’s heat and light.

* Former Jets running back Joe McKnight had an arrest warrant issued for failure to appear in court. Houston Texans wide receiver Andre Johnson should be charged for failure to appear in the end zone. Seriously, Andre. My entire fantasy team, the Husky Sections, is awaiting your decision to start actually putting up numbers. You’re killing me, Andre! You’re killing the Husky Sections!!!!!!

* Patriots cornerback Alfonzo Dennard admitted to violating his probation when he was charged with a DUI this summer. Dennard was asked to recite the alphabet backwards when he was charged which, let’s face it, is a dumb thing to ask of anyone, drunk or sober. “What’s the square root of this apartment!?”–Some cop, somewhere, right now.

Oct. 15 new trial date in Sean Taylor slaying [Miami Herald]

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