Baseball, In-House Counsel, Politics, Sports

This Lawyer Writes To Congress About Baseball And Exposes The Shutdown In The Process

Sometimes the smartest thing for a politician to do is not to write back.

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Sometimes the greatest truths are revealed in the most frivolous things. At least this guy hopes so. After the Atlanta Braves[1]
lost the NLDS, he hopped on his computer and drafted a full letter to Representative Jack Kingston of Georgia complaining about the result and begging for government intervention to set things right.

I mean, can’t something be done to hijack the results of the last contest?

You see where he’s going with this. The letter carefully — and comically — exposes the insanity of the government shutdown that Kingston enthusiastically supports.

And then Kingston responded with a letter that was, um, not as clever….

Paul J. Kaplan is a senior in-house counsel at Home Depot and he secured his 15 minutes of fame earlier this week when NBC Sports got its hands on his magnum opus. Kaplan is upset that the Dodgers knocked off the Braves:

This outrage cannot be allowed to stand. But the system has failed us. We tried to resolve this issue through traditional means: In last night’s game alone, we must have sent batters to the plate at least 40 times. But just because we couldn’t score enough runs, the Dodgers refuse to relinquish the title — and worse they won’t even discuss it.

L.A.’s stubborn refusal to even talk to us about reversing the results of this series is un-sportsmanlike and un-American. But there is an answer: If the Dodgers won’t listen to the cries of average Americans like you and me, then Congress should outlaw Major League Baseball until the Dodgers cave.

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It’s like there was a massive election less than a year ago where Democrats won the White House, Senate, and got more votes in Congress (yay for gerrymandering!), and we just act like they won or something.

Rep. Kingston got wind of the letter and decided to respond. This is one of those situations where cooler heads in his communications office should have prevailed and explained that responding will only give Kaplan’s letter more legs and that there is only a risk that the response would be so terrible it actually makes Kaplan’s original letter sound better. Those heads did not prevail and we got this instead:

I agree with you that Republicans and the Braves have much in common. You could say that the Republicans “Bravely” take on tough issues such as defunding Obamacare and trying to curtail runaway spending. And we don’t mind clearing the dugout for a good brawl. We also agree that Dodgers is a fitting name for the Democrats as they often “Dodge” serious issues such as balancing the budget or cutting spending.

Oh… no.[2]

Maybe Kingston’s communications people have been furloughed.

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See Kaplan’s full letter on the next page….


[1] Another team that might want to change its name.
[2] Kingston also credits God with Georgia’s narrow victory over Tennessee. It is a curiously cruel and unforgiving God who rewards a team by knocking out Todd Gurley, Keith Marshall, Justin Scott-Wesley, and Michael Bennett.

‘My Client Is a Jerk,’ Says Prominent Lawyer In Uncontrollable Fit of Honesty

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