Whenever the topic of financial profligacy arises, I like to remind the assembled audience of my own rectitude in such matters. Why, I didn’t get a credit card until my second year of law school. Until that point, I had no need for credit. And I still didn’t even after I got the card. A twelve-hundred dollar limit is what they gave me on account of my non-existent credit. But that was alright with me. What in the world would ever possess a person to spend more than a thousand dollars that they didn’t have on hand? Do you know how cheap eggs are? I mean, I know this sounds like quite the non sequitur, but do you know how cheap a carton of eggs is? You can get them for a dollar. Maybe a dollar and change. The only reason I bring this up is they are a tasty source of protein for next-to-no-money at all. And so I ask you, why in the world would you ever need to borrow an enormous sum of money? Why would you spend your money like some drunk, and likely ethnic, sailor on shore leave? Are you compensating for something? I beseech you, are you too good for eggs? No sir, I don’t think I’m better than you with your spendthrift waffle iron ways. I just think you must never have truly learned how to run a tight fiscal ship.
I owe several entities close to a quarter-million dollars because of a Northwestern legal education that led me to… well, this.
Let’s talk money.
Let’s talk sports…
ONE BABY TO A FOOTBALL PLAYER SAYS I’M LUCKY TO HAVE MET YOU
A lawsuit filed yesterday alleges that a financial scam of Madoffian proportions was perpetrated on some of the nation’s most savvy investors. Naw, just playing. But Ray Lewis allegedly encountered straight devilishness:
The lawsuit, which includes Ray Lewis, Jevon Kearse, Frank Gore and Fred Taylor, claims a Florida-based bank participated in the illegal opening of accounts and transfer of funds that resulted in the players losing nearly $60 million.
The bank, which very nearly destroyed all the goodwill that banks in this country have built up over the years, is alleged to have allowed disgraced former money manager Jeff Rubin to treat a whole truckload of athletes’ money as his personal lending tree. If you’ve guessed that much of the money was funneled into an Alabama bingo palace, you’re both accurate and eerily prescient.
When the markets are scared, your best bet is North Carolina pachinko parlors. — Steve Buffett
Anyway, the players all lost their shirts because of course they lost their shirts. The list of broke ex-athletes is long and inglorious. Professional football players are merely way stations for money on its journey from NFL teams to hucksters and con men.
A football player and his money is easily farted. — Kenny Buffett
Well, the Alabama bingo parlor must not have been the conservative investment it sounded like. But the fraudster and the bank that empowered him are not the only players in this drama. Credit-to-his-profession Drew Rosenhaus is in the picture, if not centrally located:
Rubin, along with his relationship with NFL agent Drew Rosenhaus, was the subject of a six-month investigation by Yahoo! Sports that was published in September 2012. Rubin formerly ran a concierge financial services firm called Pro Sports Financial. He invested as much as $43.6 million of the players’ money in the Alabama casino project alone, according to bankruptcy documents.
However, Kagan said Rubin invested in numerous other projects without telling the players. According to the lawsuit, Rubin did that by using his influence at BankAtlantic/Branch Banking and Trust.
“BB&T allowed … accounts to be opened and to be maintained without following its own protocols and without regard to reasonable or due care or concern for the authenticity of the signature cards associated with each … account in order to promote its own self-interest,” the suit states. “After allowing the … accounts to be opened as power of attorney accounts without the … plaintiffs’ knowledge or consent, BB&T also occasionally accepted and acted upon wire transfer instructions from Pro Sports employees who were not even named as the attorney-in-fact for a particular account.”
Rosenhaus is alleged to have previously steered Terrell Owens into Rubin’s warm, bingo-loving embrace. In researching this post (lol), I discovered that Rosenhaus is a graduate of Duke Law. I’m not entirely sure why I mention that. I don’t really have anything to add to that revelation. I don’t know what to say. No one showed me the cheer sheet.
Not the highest quality Duke burn and an incredibly poor way to end this section. — Waldo Buffett
A WORD ABOUT HEALING
I didn’t know how I’d bring this up, considering everything I write in this space has to at least have a colorable argument for its relation to the law. So here is something legal:
A dozen people arrested in Boston after last night’s World Series win appeared in a Boston courtroom today, with 10 of them being arraigned today on charges related to their alleged conduct, Suffolk County District Attorney Daniel F. Conley said.
With that out of the way, can I take a second to say just how idiotic the whole Boston Strong/city healed via baseball narrative really is? I mean, it’s great that Big Papi shouted some expletives about the Caucasus Cretins. But that’s about as far as we can reasonably take things. His insane World Series line has nothing to do with the Boston bombings nor should it. You know what heals wounds? Time, Valtrex, Band aids are good. You know what doesn’t? Aye, Papi. Go sawx.
RAP SHEET ROLL CALL
* Colorado Avalanche goalie Semyon Varlamov is alleged to have beaten his girlfriend. A Russian official claims that his arrest is an American plot to disrupt the Russian hockey team. Our nation’s utter indifference to Olympic hockey notwithstanding.
* 49er Aldon Smith left rehab only to turn himself in on felony weapons charges. He’s expected to be in the lineup this week. Actually, I can guarantee you he will be in a lineup this week.
* The father of Illinois quarterback Nathan Scheelhaase was banned from campus after being arrested for drunkenly threatening to fight the whole g-damned town.
* Roll Tide.