California, Department of Justice, Kids, U.S. Attorneys Offices

The Riddler And The Penguin Get Caught — Thanks To Batkid

For those too young to remember, allow me to explain. It wasn’t until Ryan White that Ronald Reagan even knew what AIDS was. The sick kid from Indiana prompted President Reagan to, in one of his famous fireside chats, declare war on the disease. That war was won two years later with an armistice signed in Paris by emissaries from both warring nations. Anyway, that’s why we have parades all the time now.

Fast forward, like, 70 years, and we arrive at last week. A larcenous little leukemia survivor stole our collective hearts with a day of make-believe so unbelievably rich, the Muppet Babies have considered filing a copyright lawsuit. The child, with a real name no one cares about and the fake name “Batkid,” was allowed to run around the entire city of San Francisco while denizens of that city (mostly homeless bums) pretended that he was a superhero. He rescued a damsel in distress, helped to arrest the Riddler, and finished the day off by murdering the Penguin in cold blood. JKJKJK. The Penguin plot line had something to do with the San Francisco Giants mascot.

Anyway, the sickly little scamp had a helluva day and made everyone feel like a million bucks. All because of pretend.

And no one pretended harder than the U.S. Attorney’s Office….

Last Friday, the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Northern District of California issued a press release praising the Child of Chiroptera. In the release, U.S. Attorney Melinda Haag made up some s**t:

“We’ve been chasing Nigma and Cobblepot for years and just when I was about to give up hope that we would ever bring them to justice, wouldn’t you know it – Batkid shows up and saves the day,” said United States Attorney Melinda Haag. “I’ve been involved in some unbelievable cases and I’ve worked with some pretty remarkable law enforcement officers, but the bravery displayed by Batkid is off the charts. I’m absolutely certain that there is no villain this remarkable super-hero can’t defeat.”

The Riddler, The Penguin, The Joker. These are all poseurs compared to the melting of our icecaps that is being hastened each day by unbelievable environmental degradation. But kids aren’t dressing up as Captain Planet these days, are they? Kids suck.

The press release goes on to reference the indictment that was typed up to commemorate the elaborate fakery. To wit:

According to the indictment, “The Penguin” and “The Riddler” thought it was a good idea to put an unnamed female in the path of a cable car, rob a bank, and kidnap San Francisco Giants mascot Lou Seal. Somehow they thought these latest stunts would go undetected by Batkid. However, at approximately 9 p.m. last night, the bat signal went up and predictably the crime rate began to go down in Gotham and San Francisco.

The f**king seal has a name, but the female doesn’t. Go figure. As for the crime rate, let us not forget one thing about this whole charade. While pockets of San Franciscans were cheering and acting like goofs for the enjoyment of a cancer survivor, someone was almost definitely getting raped. Possibly murdered. Real world awful stuff was going down. But at least Lou Seal is safe.

The press release ends as follows:

The Assistant U.S. Attorneys all want to prosecute this case, and are currently drawing straws to see who will have the honor. This will presumably be the easiest case in U.S. Attorney history thanks to Batkid, who pretty much was able to not only capture the humanity of this great city, but was also able to capture all of the Riddler’s and Penguin’s crimes on video. The prosecution is the result of a multi-agency investigation led from a cave in a location we cannot disclose.

Please note, an indictment contains only allegations against a person and, as with all defendants, Edward “E.” Nigma, aka, “The Riddler,” and Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, aka, “The Penguin” must be presumed innocent unless and until proven guilty.

This will probably be the easiest case evar! But innocent until proven guilty blah blah blah. I love the fact that someone at the USA’s office thought it wise to slip in some pablum about legal presumptions of innocence. A civics lesson no one could possibly have asked for.

President Obama, seizing the chance to show that his administration does too know how to use the internet, promptly made this Vine (click in the upper-left corner to activate sound):

In response, House Republicans checked their Tinder accounts.

Well, there you have it. My jaundiced view of a heartwarming day.

In the comments, predict who the next sick child will pretend to be. My money’s on Silver Surfer.

(Flip to the next page to view the full indictment crafted by the U.S. Attorney’s Office.)

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