How’d you like that, lawyer? –Darrell Royal

If you’re an attorney, have gone to law school, or are going to law school, you have seen the deposition in which Joe Jamail threatens to knock some geriatric chemist’s dick in the dirt. It’s stunning not because it’s surprising but, rather, because it is exactly what you expect a trial lawyer from Texas to do. When I first watched it, I thought someone had dug up my grandfather’s body and awarded him a posthumous Juris Doctor. The only thing more impressive than Jamail’s language in that deposition was just how nonchalant he was about unfurling his homespun insults. That ain’t your g**d*mned job, fatboy.

Jamail, of course, is famous not only for being a foulmouthed credit to the human race, but also for being paid exorbitant sums of money for his lawyering. This website has spilled a good deal of cyber ink in detailing Jamail’s piles of filthy luchre. And why not!? While the rest of you go about scratching out your bonus-sniffing beta lives, Joe Jamail soars above all that. Love him or hate him, the man crushes you and I in every imaginable category, save wallflowery.

This week, Joe Jamail pumped the brakes on Mack Brown’s exit from Texas. So we get to talk about him. And sports.

Let’s talk sports, fatboy…

JAMAIL SCHLIMAZEL… HOOK’EMPFEFFER INCORPORATED

A stroll across the University of Texas campus will tell you all you need to know about Joe Jamail’s love of his alma mater. It is as if a bird with Joe Jamail’s name buried deep inside its colon sh*t said name all over the college. The Jamail name adorns the Law School’s Center for Clinical Education and Justice Under Law, the school’s natatorium, and, most importantly for our purposes, the university’s football field. The quote that began this post was attributed by Jamail to Darrell Royal in a video produced by ESPN. In the video, he describes watching Texas football games with Royal and Willie Nelson. Last night, you watched How I Met Your Mother reruns with your girlfriend. Maybe a cat. Because your life is awful and Joe Jamail’s life is phenomenal. True story, fatboy.

This week, the slow-motion trainwreck that is Mack Brown’s eventual firing implicated Joe Jamail. Like most things involving Jamail and the University of Texas, events will proceed according to Jamail’s schedule:

The source said Tuesday, though, that discussions have been ongoing with Brown, Texas president Bill Powers and Brown’s agent, Joe Jamail.

“The talks were very friendly, and the conclusion was Mack would step down in the next couple of days,” the source told ESPN.

However, the source said Jamail is participating in a trial in Beaumont, Texas, which has slowed the process, and that there are a “lot of logistics” to work out.

“Such as when he leaves, what his role will be,” the source said. “A myriad of things that have to be worked out.”

Listen, I’d love to chat with you about the state of Texas football. But I got this slip and fall over in Nacogdoches that requires tending to.

Joe Jamail, a man who pocketed a cool billion from a single case, also represents college football coaches in his spare time. This is what is called T-Booning. It is when your balls and your bank account are so big, you hold the fate of an entire athletic department in your old, veiny hands. T-Booning. It’s like Tebowing, except not lame.

At any rate, even Joe Jamail’s powers can only postpone the inevitable. Those dumb sunuvab*tches over at Texas University are bound to fire his friend sooner rather than later. And when they do, they better take care not to offend anyone in the process. Hurt feelings are a terrible thing and could lead to litigation. And litigation could always lead to this (fatboy):

INSUFFERABLE PRICK DESTROYED BY INDEFATIGABLE PEDANT

I’m not sure where you fall on the question of war and what, if anything, it’s good for. Count me on Country Joe’s team. Maybe you think differently? You can believe whatever you want as far as I’m concerned. My mother thinks small rivers have the power to ward off tornadoes. I love that woman, but she’s a loon.

Anyway, the government thinks war is great. Specifically, they think it can be used to defeat cheating athletes. More specifically, they think this open-ended war we currently find ourselves in allows them to suspend statutes of limitation in their vain attempt to beat the deceased equine that is now Lance Armstrong’s public image. Allow a smarter lawyer to explain:

The Department of Justice has teamed up with Floyd Landis, Armstrong’s onetime rival, in a lawsuit filed under the False Claims Act for $120 million. The government says the suit will rectify the “years of broken promises” during which Armstrong told his sponsors that he was dope-free.

According to the suit, those years go back to 1998—two years earlier than the normal period allowed for such a case. To do that, DOJ and Landis have invoked a little-known law, the Wartime Suspension of Limitations Act, which stops the clock on the statute of limitations for fraud committed against the government during war. The idea is that because the United States has been at war in Afghanistan since 2001, the clock on Armstrong’s fraud never began ticking. This aggressive interpretation may cost Armstrong an extra $27 million and force him to give back every penny the Postal Service paid him—but only by pushing the law far beyond its original purpose.

Bending the rules in order to catch a cheater. All this party needs now is Joey Greco, a boat, and a really sharp knife.

RAP SHEET ROLL CALL

* Ignoring Jimmy V’s entreaty to never give up, Sidney Lowe pleaded guilty to tax charges in North Carolina this week.

* Marshawn Lynch intends to take his DUI case to trial, arguing that if he was truly in Beast Mode, y’all would have felt it.

* Tim Tebow’s brother got out of his own DUI charge, blaming the erratic driving on his a**hole co-pilot.

Sources: Mack Brown set to resign [ESPN]
Not Even Lance Deserves This [Slate]


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