Minority Issues, Money, Politics

Lawyer Seeks Handouts To Help Him Retire. There’s Just One Teensy Thing From His Past You Might Want To Know.

Retiring to a stately manor in the countryside and spending your remaining days drinking scotch and smoking cigars. A quaint life away from it all, secluded from the hustle and bustle of all those people in the big city. That sounds like a lovely retirement plan. Or the ambition of an Austen protagonist. In any event, one young lawyer out there wants this retirement to become his reality, and he’s taken to the Internet seeking donations to fund his early retirement. He’s only seeking $5 million. That’s some expensive scotch.

If you want to help out this lawyer with a small donation, I guess there’s just one more tidbit of pertinent information you should know:

He has kinda run a designated hate group before….

Do you remember Kyle Bristow? He’s the Toledo law student who used to front the Michigan State Young Americans for Freedom — a chapter designated by the Southern Poverty Law Center as a hate group. It was the first student group to earn such designation, so that’s an accomplishment.

Now he’s a lawyer and he doesn’t seem to like the whole “honest day’s work” thing. So he’s hijacked a website designed to help people raise money for their actual problems to beg for money so he can go be a deadbeat:

I have decided only after careful deliberation to launch the most worthy campaign possible on Go Fund Me: I am seeking to retire early, and to do so, I would like to give the Internet Machine a spin to see if I can raise $5 million in order to finance an extravagantly affluent and bourgeoisie lifestyle so that I can become a true Renaissance Man.

Bristow’s retirement plan.

As a technical matter, the bourgeoisie are the folks who own the means of production — run businesses, employ people, stuff like that — not the idle rich basking in money handed to them. In fact, those are the people the bourgeoisie rose up against in the French Revolution. Seems like a Renaissance Man might have known that. Don’t blame Bristow for lacking that Renaissance touch, though, because the term he’s looking for is not “Renaissance Man” but “Internet panhandler.”

The Young Americans for Freedom, an organization founded by William F. Buckley Jr., gathers members from all WASPs of life to muse about how welfare causes crime and moral decrepitude because it’s a handout. But apparently handouts suddenly aren’t bad for YAF members. I wonder why? This is totally a rhetorical question.

Bristow’s whole “retirement” stunt is almost assuredly a desperate effort to get back in the news. On the one hand, we could just ignore him rather than give him what he wants. On the other hand, there’s at least some value in reminding everyone that people who harbor these crazy ideas are still out there.

If a large sum of money is raised through this campaign, instead of working hard and making ends meet like normal people, I’d live an elitist lifestyle: I’d buy a house in a rural area—which is far removed from urban squalor and the proletarians who inhabit it—, and I’d drink scotch and smoke cigars while my fellow bourgeoisie friends and I chatted in the wood-paneled study about how America is going to Hell as we reclined in big leather chairs, I’d spend my free time reading the classics of Western civilization (i.e., books by Plato, Aristotle, Machiavelli, Dickens, Dostoyevsky, Kipling, Shakespeare—you know, the serious works the public school teachers never shared with us in the suburban schools because most students there are semi-retarded), and I’d arrange to go pheasant hunting and play polo with my other self-important friends.

Unsurprisingly, White Man’s Burden made the list of the classics of Western civilization that he’ll be reading in between polo matches with Nick Carraway.

Oh, by the way, Bristow has only gotten $10 of his $5 million goal so far. Both donors employ pseudonyms: Baldur von Schirach, the head of the Hitler Youth; and, Richard Baer, the commander of Auschwitz. Charming little community. Maybe someone is just trolling, but $10 is a steep price for a one-note joke on a gofundme site.

I did try the work-hard-and-good-things-will-come shtick, but it is not as rewarding as I thought it would be, and the rewards are slow coming. I realized that easy money is better than hard money after working numerous jobs—one of which I commuted two hours both ways—, writing and self-publishing a book that some have credited with successfully revising the generally accepted narrative of prehistoric migrations to North America, earning an associate’s degree, a bachelor’s degree, and a law degree, incurring significant student loan debt, getting married and having a daughter, and taking and passing the bar exams of two states—all of which was done prior to me turning 27 years old. After all this hard work, I am surprisingly not yet a millionaire.

Hold the f**king phone! He’s not a millionaire? But he has a law degree?

The self-published book he’s talking about is called “White Apocalypse,” and the revised narrative he’s talking about is the idea that Europeans settled America first and were massacred by the early American Indians. It’s a new theory that appeals to certain circles because it simultaneously justifies the genocide of Native Americans and builds the case that white people rightfully own America and aren’t “immigrants.” The book is dedicated to “the real Native Americans.” Terrific. There are people who actually believe this stuff. Now you know how Ancient Aliens stays on the air.

Please make my dream a reality. I’d very much like to remove myself from the degenerate American society that harbors so many guttersnipes that feverishly gnaw on the foundation of all that is good and just in the Cosmos.

Good luck, buddy. We’re all rooting for you to remove yourself from American society.

Earlier: From Alleged ‘Hate Group’ Chairman to Toledo College of Law 1L
Former ‘Hate Group’ Leader Chosen To Represent University of Toledo Students On Constitutional Panel
Young Americans for Freedom Distance Themselves from Toledo 1L
Another Garbage Study Offering Misleading Statistics On The Value Of A Law Degree

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