Drugs make people stupid. It’s not that they impair important mental faculties in those who ingest them. Rather, they make everyone who doesn’t do them freak the everloving fudge out about them. People will literally believe anything you have to say about drugs. Drugs are like satanism was in the 1980s or religion was in the every other decade: if you are confronted with some unexplained phenomenon, drugs will help you fill in the gaps of your embarrassing ignorance. This week, for instance, we learned that one baseball writer chose to leave Greg Maddux’s name off his Hall of Fame ballot. Why? Because steroids. Confronted with an admittedly complicated issue like steroids, the writer chose to go Simple Jack on the whole process. Drugs, man.
But the idiotic baseball writer isn’t the only one whose brain bananas were agog over drugs this week. This week, we were treated to a college player’s lame excuse and a football conference’s dumb rule. Also, OJ Simpson. And the always-fantastic handwritten musings of a pro se petitioner.
Let’s talk sports…
THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY AND THE OHIO STATE
Noah Spence is, by all accounts, a fantastic football player for THE Ohio State losers of two straight. He is also allegedly a huge fan of raves. Okay, that may be a step too far. He is allegedly a user of the drug ecstasy, which goes by several different names: ecstasy, X, Molly, Happy Gilmore, Fred Friendly, and Ice Road Truckers.
Anyway, Spence was suspended from last week’s loss to Clemson. This week, the reason for his suspension was disclosed. Spence had tested positive for ecstasy. Allow his father to explain:
Spence’s father, Greg Spence, spoke to Harrisburg (Pa.)’s ABC27 Tuesday and explained why his family opposed the suspension: according to the Spences, Noah had unknowingly been slipped a small amount of the drug ecstasy in a drink he had accepted at a party.
This has to be in the pantheon of wack drug excuses. A staple of spy movies, the drug sprinkled into an open drink is a classic dodge. Of course, shifting blame for drug use is as old as the first fake-ass predatory drug dealer who let a little kid take his first hit for free. Drug dealers don’t need to run Doorbuster Sales because their product is drugs. And it is highly unlikely that Noah Spence was slipped ecstasy because… well, who the hell does that?
But so Noah Spence’s dad is now claiming that he’ll file a lawsuit against the Big Ten to overturn his son’s suspension. If the merits of the case relied solely on Mr. Spence’s cliched fever dreams, they’d stand little chance of success. However, they have one solid trump card to play. Namely, the Big Ten’s completely wackadoo stance regarding the drug:
Though the NCAA considers ecstasy a “street drug,” per ABC27, the Big Ten considers ecstasy a performance-enhancing drug.
Good god in heaven above, what in the hell is the Big Ten thinking? While it may look like it in the trenches sometimes, football is not a hugging competition. So why in the world would ecstasy be performance-enhancing? A list of activities that are better-performed while on ecstasy include: the aforementioned hugging, going to the next party quickly, talking to people, going to another party, leaving this bar, going to another bar, emoting, glow sticks.
THE REAL BRAIN CANCER VICTIM IS OUT THERE
Last week, reports surfaced that OJ Simpson had petitioned President Obama for release from prison so that he could get treatment for brain cancer. This week, his attorney Osvaldo E. Fomo rebutted the stories:
“I can assure the Post that Mr. Simpson, health-wise, is absolutely just fine. He’s looking forward to his appeal,” said Fomo. He then added a brief lesson in the legal process: “If he was suffering from anything the procedure would be to ask the governor of Nevada for release not the president.”
Fomo went on to add that Simpson would spend the rest of his life looking for the real man who is dying of brain cancer. He wouldn’t rest until every golf course was investigated and every Lorna Doone was eaten. If OJ Simpson was dying of brain cancer, and he’s not saying he is, but if he were dying of brain cancer… he’d definitely not have killed her with a knife.
ALL PRO SE
Last week, a Pennsylvania inmate filed an emergency injunction in an attempt to halt the injustice that is Philip Rivers’s bolo tie. Specifically, he seeks to force the NFL to replay the end of the Chiefs-Chargers game from week 17 so that his beloved Steelers may have another chance at postseason glory. In his petition, the inmate displays a 2L’s understanding of impressive legal words and a 1L’s understanding of the proper situations for legal argumentation.
RAP SHEET ROLL CALL
* A Tampa Bay Buccaneers running back was arrested for failure to obey an order and resisting arrest. Classic running back handcuff situation.
* Video released this week shows Yasiel Puig begging for forgiveness from a state trooper after getting pulled over for speeding. You never would have seen Sammy Haggar pleading for mercy. That man had a weakness for fast driving and weren’t no cop gonna make him beg and simper and cry. Man couldn’t drive 55. ‘Nuff said.
* Tito Ortiz was arrested on suspicion of DUI. Rear naked choke into a Kimura into some ground-and-pound into… hahaha, you seriously talk like this, nerd. Quit talking like this.
Father of Noah Spence says Ohio St. DE suspended for ecstasy [CBS Sports]
OJ Simpson didn’t ‘beg Obama’ for a release says his lawyer [Washington Post]
Man seeks injunction, claims Chargers shouldn’t be in playoffs [CBS Sports]