If every jury heard cases like this, it would almost be worth it to blow a week sitting on a trial. Speaking of blowing, a 61-year-old man allegedly tried to get some gentle cows to show him a good time back in September. I say “tried” because apparently the cows didn’t go for either the carrot or stick and rejected the man’s overtures.

Shut down in the barnyard, eh? Talk about failing to find love in a hopeless place.

Anyway, getting jilted by a cow was only the beginning of his alleged real-life game of FarmVille, and the man’s trial has provided non-stop entertainment for the jury as everything from the testimony to the judge’s instructions have elicited laughter from the jury box.

Bow Chick(en) Bow Wow!

This all went down — or failed to, as the case may be — by the Tottenham Hotspur training ground. This fact made me immediately wonder if there’s any American professional sports club that practices in a farm. I’m assuming no. In any event, the aging IT worker — of course — on trial was spotted practicing his game in the area:

Paul Lovell, 61, was spotted by a couple allegedly trying to engage in intercourse with the sheep after and failing to seduce a cow near to the Tottenham Hotspur training ground in north London last September.

Jurors were told the IT worker was seen by a couple having a picnic 250 yards away who claim to have seen him “laying on the floor, taking his shorts off” near a line of trees before committing the sex crimes.

When cows would not fellate him the accused decided to “try his luck with some sheep”, the court heard.

Putting aside all the obvious issues, cow fellatio sounds downright dangerous. Farm animals tend to, you know, eat the carrots that get shoved in their faces. The animals in South Park notwithstanding:

After hearing testimony that the cows rejected the man and that he then decided to “try his luck with some sheep” — obvious pick-up line, “So, Ewe come here often?” — the jury burst into laughter, because they aren’t made of stone and that’s the natural response to something like this. At this point the judge, Judge James Patrick, who is clearly frustrated over his inability to control his courtroom, tried to quell the outburst:

“I well understand that there are aspects of it that are unusual and amusing,” said Judge James Patrick. “If you do find the case particularly funny, if you can try to get over your laughter over lunch that would be great.”

That sounds like every ineffectual hall monitor ever. “Hey guys, you need to go back to class. You know, when you finish smoking. Oh, hey, don’t put me in that locker.”

But it’s hard to describe anything in this case without snickering. The prosecutor is trying his damnedest to sterilize the language:

“In this case the defendant with his penis tried to put it into or up next to, as if to put it into, the mouth of a cow. And he repeated this more than once with different cows,” said prosecutor Robert Hutchinson.

“He did not successfully penetrate the mouth of a cow with his penis and he then moved to another part of the field and tried his luck with some sheep. The witnesses saw him trying to encourage — using gestures — the sheep towards his groin area and say that he was basically trying to entice them to lick or suck on his genitals.”

There’s just no good way to say any of that without appealing to the most juvenile instincts of the jury. The only thing the trial is missing is testimony from the cows themselves. Even Judge Patrick drew some giggles when he made an unfortunate request:

Sad trombone for trying to keep control of your courtroom, Your Honor.

But the most puzzling aspect of this case may be the charges. I’m not an expert in the laws of the UK, but:

The 61-year-old from Enfield appeared at Wood Green Crown Court yesterday where prosecutors dropped a charge of indecent exposure due to a lack of evidence.

However prosecutor Robert Hutchinson changed the wording of a second charge of “outraging public indecency” to include “fellatio with a cow.”

How exactly does one get to attempting fellatio with a cow without first indecently exposing oneself? I’ll let you hypothesize, I don’t want to think about it any more.

So what’s Paul Lovell’s defense?

Sure. If the — I guess nothing at all — don’t fit… whatever.

In conclusion, for the second time in a little over a month, I’m forced to link to Moo, Moo, I Love You, a song about a man who broke into the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago to pursue a bovine beauty.

This song (allegedly) goes out to you, Paul Lovell.

British judge reprimands jurors for laughing during bestiality trial [UPI]
Animal Sex Jury Erupts in Laughter After Hearing Man Was Rejected By Cow [International Business Times]
Jury Told Off For Laughing At Man Accused Of Cow And Sheep Sex Acts Near Spurs Training Ground [Huffington Post]

Earlier: But Will This Goat Have To Enter Witness Protection?


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