Polar Bear Son: Dad, are you sure I’m a polar bear?
Polar Bear Dad: Yes, son. Definitely.
Polar Bear Son: You’re sure I’m not a duck or a cat but a full bred polar bear?
Polar Bear Dad: Yes, of course. I’m a polar bear and your mom is a polar bear so you are a polar bear. Why are you asking?
Polar Bear Son: Because I’m f**king freezing.
It’s cold outside. No seriously, it’s unreasonable out there, don’t ya know. I hope most of you are working from the warmth of your own homes. I hope most of you are skipping class today. Seriously, there’s nothing that you are going to learn in class on January 7th that you can’t make up in non-frostbite conditions before the end of the semester.
Let me put it like this, prisoners would rather be in prison than be outside in this cold weather. I’m not making that up. A prison escapee just turned himself in because it was too freaking cold…
In a real life example of “your Tauntaun will freeze before you reach the first marker,” a man escaped from a Kentucky minimum security prison on Sunday and turned himself in on Monday. From the Associated Press:
Authorities said the inmate escaped from a minimum security facility in Lexington on Sunday. As temperatures dropped into the low single digits Monday, officials say the man walked into a motel and asked the clerk to call police.
Robert Vick, 42, of Hartford told the clerk he wanted to turn himself in and escape the arctic air, Lexington police spokeswoman Sherelle Roberts said.
IT’S TOO COLD TO BE FREE.
Doesn’t this story remind you of old school sentencing that’s lost popularity over time? Like, remember when banishment was a legitimate punishment? I wish we could bring that back. Shouldn’t sending people to a snow cabin in New Hampshire like Walter White be a tool of criminal justice?
Vick was serving a six-year sentence for burglary and criminal possession of a forged instrument at the time of the escape from Blackburn Correctional Center.
Would you rather have six years in jail or two nights out in this weather? I think most people would take the jail time.
Police: In Cold, Escaped Inmate Turns Himself In [Associated Press]