Is This The Craziest Law Professor Job Application Ever?

Insane, unsolicited law professor "application" shows up in inboxes around the country. Are you ready to hire a professor for way too much money to do no teaching?

From: Steve Trask
Sent: Tuesday, February 18, 2014 1:30 PM
Subject: Application: University Professor (Autonomy Studies)

(1) I am one of the top legal researchers in the US.

(2) I spend hours reading the world’s most scholarly publications while other people teach.

(3) As a result of being number one, I get to set policy for US law schools.
NECESSITY is, essentially, a utilitarian defense. See Note, The State Made Me Do It: The Applicability of the Necessity Defense to Civil Disobedience, 39 Stan.L.Rev. 1173, 1174 (1987). It therefore JUSTIFIES CRIMINAL ACTS taken to avert a greater harm, maximizing social welfare by allowing a crime to be committed where the social benefits of the crime outweigh the social costs of failing to commit the crime. See, e.g., Dorrell, 758 F.2d at 432 (recognizing that “the policy underlying the necessity defense is the promotion of greater values at the expense of lesser values.”) (citation omitted). Pursuant to the defense, prisoners could ESCAPE a burning prison, see, e.g., Baender v. Barnett, 255 U.S. 224, 226, 41 S.Ct. 271, 272, 65 L.Ed. 597 (1921); a person lost in the woods could STEAL food from a cabin to survive, see Posner, An Economic Theory of the Criminal Law, 85 Colum.L.Rev. 1193, 1205 (1985); an embargo could be VIOLATED because adverse weather conditions necessitated sale of the cargo at a foreign port, see The William Gray, 29 F.Cas. 1300, 1302 (C.C.D.N.Y. 1810)(No. 17,694); a crew could MUTINY where their ship was thought to be unseaworthy, see United States v. Ashton, 24 F.Cas. 873, 874 (C.C.D. Mass. 1834)(No. 14,470); and property could be DESTROYED to prevent the spread of fire, see, e.g., Surocco v. Geary, 3 Cal. 69, 74 (1853).

What all the traditional necessity cases have in common is that the commission of the “crime” averted the occurrence of an even greater “harm.” In some sense, the necessity defense allows us to act as INDIVIDUAL LEGISLATURES, amending a particular criminal provision or crafting a one-time exception to it, subject to court review, when a real legislature would formally do the same under those circumstances. For example, by allowing prisoners who escape a burning jail to claim the justification of necessity, we assume the lawmaker, confronting this problem, would have allowed for an exception to the law proscribing prison escapes. (United States v. Schoon, United States Court of Appeals, Ninth Circuit, 1991)

(4) I want a tenured full Professor law school position at one of the top 100 law schools in the US.

(5) I do not care what law school does it.

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(6) I only care that my demands get met.

(5) I want to be a Professor of Autonomy Studies.

(6) I want to make $200,000 a year paid in cash form (no check or deposit)

(7) I want free use of university graduate housing and university food services.

(8) I want to be a non-tax independent contractor.

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(9) I only have Social Security Number to provide for ID.

(10) I want to work 20 hours per week.

(11) I want my Professor position to be research only.

(12) There should be no other duties.

(13) I want to work from my dorm, not an office.

(14) I have included my CV.

(15) I need to be transported in a university van from Chula Vista, CA to your location.

(16) I want this position setup immediately at a top 100 law school with every detail met.

(17) I refuse to submit any application for this job, I refuse to interview, and I refuse to work with HR.

(18) I refuse to ever work with people who do not have doctoral degrees.

CURRICULUM VITAE

PERSONAL INFORMATION:

Stephen Wesley Trask

[Email redacted]

February 11, 1982

United States Citizen

XXX-XX-XXXX

EDUCATION:

Bachelor of Science, Liberty University, Lynchburg, VA, 2000-03
-Government Major
-Philosophy Minor
-3.8 GPA
-Honors Program
-Senior Honors Thesis

Juris Doctor, William Mitchell College of Law, St. Paul, MN, 2003-06
-Class Rank: Top Quarter

EXPERIENCE:
Writer, Religious Guru Blog, 2007-Present
http://religiousguru.wordpress.com/
-Published academic research on internet blog
-Published in the areas of law, philosophy, literature, and religion.

Law Clerk, The Bopp Law Firm, 2006-07
-Drafted legal briefs for federal First Amendment cases
-Helped draft US Supreme Court brief

Editor, William Mitchell Law Review, 2005-06
-Recognized for being top author in write-on competition

Director of Debate, Minnehaha Academy, Minneapolis, MN, 2003-06

Instructor, Minnehaha Academy, Minneapolis, MN, 2003-05

Judicial Law Clerk, Minnesota Office of Administrative Hearings, Minneapolis, MN, 2005

Judicial Law Clerk, Judge Leslie Metzen, Hastings, MN, 2005

Blackstone Fellow, Alliance Defense Fund, 2004

Martin Luther King Jr. Scholar, US Department of Education, 2002

College Policy Debater, Liberty University, 2000-03
-American Debate Association National JV Champion (2001)

High School Policy Debater, Jefferson High School, Bloomington, MN, 1996-2000

ACADEMIC PUBLICATIONS:

William Mitchell Law Review, 2006

Chapman Law Review, 2007

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