I showered maybe two times after gym class in middle school. And both times, I was wearing underwear. Looking back, I still don’t understand why the school couldn’t shell out just a few more ducats and construct private shower stalls. Why do schools choose to introduce communal showering right at the time that we are learning that our bodies are horrible monsters that we are rightfully ashamed of? I’m not sure I’ll ever know the answer to that question. At my middle school, there were two kids who stood sentry at the shower room entrance, judging the size of each kid’s equipment. Can you imagine, dear reader, the horror of that experience? Perhaps you can. And perhaps you can imagine why my Hanes remained safely affixed to my inguinal region as I scampered, eyes fixed on the cement floor, surely to meet my death. If I could just run under the sprinkler, I could retreat to my locker where someone somewhere surely had some of that spray deodorant. Christ almighty, friends. Why do we still embrace the communal shower? I WAS A CHILD!!!!!!!

This week, a lobbyist caught the vapors much like I had as a child. Only this lobbyist is an adult. Presumably. Because I still haven’t gotten over middle school and because I don’t want to write about anything else, let’s talk about one issue this week. Let’s talk football. Let’s talk gay paranoia.

Let’s talk communal showers…

NFL LOCKER ROOMS: THE BATH HOUSE OF THE 90S FOR MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY GAY MEN

This week, a professional troll and alleged Washington lobbyist named Jack Burkman released a statement saying he was preparing legislation that would ban gay football players from entering the NFL. The macho man’s rationale:

”We are losing our decency as a nation,” Burkman said in a statement. “Imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man. That’s a horrifying prospect for every mom in the country. What in the world has this nation come to?”

Burkman said he came up with the idea after college football star Michael Sam publicly revealed he is gay a few weeks ago. If drafted, Sam would be the first openly gay player in the NFL.

In a poll conducted by mommyblog Breastfeed.biz, the top concerns of American mothers were:

5. GMOs
4. Vaccines
3. Saccharine
2. Tetanus
1. Surprise buttsecks

To be fair to Burkman, we are losing our decency as a nation. And I, for one, count that as a fantastic development. I hope that our decency, like my own extra house keys, socks, or sense of pride, stay f**king lost. Decency is what people advance as an argument when they’ve lost, or never had, any rational faculties. Take, for instance, the argument against 2 Live Crew’s As Nasty As They Wanna Be. That was a truly dope album. I didn’t really have anything else to add on this point. I just wanted to mention that.

Yesterday, Burkman clarified that his proposed bill would only target those players who are openly gay. Additionally, it would not be a ban:

In other words, as long as the player doesn’t come out as gay, there would be no problem. Moreover, there would be no witch hunts or other efforts to out gay players. The law would apply only if/when a player comes out publicly and openly as gay.

Even then, the openly-gay player wouldn’t be banned from playing. Instead, the team would have to give the player “facilities” that are “separate and distinct from the facilities used by heterosexual players.”

Notice the wording. This man hates gay people so much that he doesn’t care whether their separate facilities are equal or not! Just distinct! The constitutional buffs among you will, of course, recognize this formulation from the notorious Supreme Court case, Sissy v. Ferguson.

In case you were wondering, Jack Burkman was once of counsel at Holland & Knight. The firm released this statement regarding Burkman’s efforts:

In a statement to The Hill Tuesday, Holland & Knight said it “is proud of its support of the LGBT community and we condemn Jack Burkman’s current efforts. Mr. Burkman’s employment with Holland & Knight ended almost 12 years ago. He was a lawyer in our Washington office from October 1998 to May 2002.”

As Holland & Knight has now found, all the showers in the world will never truly eliminate the Burkman stench.

RAP SHEET ROLL CALL

* Raymond Felton was arrested on gun charges this week. The most important news to come out of this arrest is that Felton’s estranged wife was named Ariane Raymondo-Felton.

* Ravens wide receiver Deonte Thompson was arrested for possession of pot. This is an actual news story.

* Darren Sharper now stands accused of nine rapes.


Lobbyist drafts bill to ban gays from NFL
[The Hill]
Jack Burkman’s bill applies only to “self-declared” gay players [PFT]


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