Yesterday, one of America’s most famous lawyers died. The repulsive apotheosis of homophobia, Fred Phelps, slithered off his mortal coil surrounded by the physical sensation of hatred and utterly alone… if his own brand of brimstone karmic retribution carries with it even a shred of truth. At any rate, old Fred was a lawyer back in his day. Back in the 70s, he was disbarred for calling a witness a “slut.” Sex is difficult and bewildering for some people.

As a youngster growing up in Kansas, I was familiar with Freddy’s wacky brand of hatred. I think I first encountered him protesting a Pat Robertson speech when I was in high school. Très dada, the 16-year-old me whispered to no one in particular. And so it was that I began to notice Fred Phelps, long before his military funeral protests and his national fame. In college at the University of Kansas, I encountered dozens of his protests. To a homophobe like Fred, Lawrence, Kansas, was Sodom itself. A den of iniquity quite pleased with itself, thank you. And so it was jarring when we all noticed Fred’s choice of attire to keep himself warm during those gross, cretinous, mid-January protests. A KU jacket.

With March Madness upon us and basketball open on another tab of the browser I’m typing on, I say unto you… Rock chalk Jayhawk, let’s talk sports…

LAWYERS MAKE SILLY COMMERCIAL

I found this commercial on a KU basketball message board. It features lawyers dribbling basketballs. At the intersection of sports and the law resides Benton Lloyd & Chung. They will handle all your basketball dribbling needs.

YET SOMEHOW IS OKAY WITH THAT WOMAN-BEATING ANDY CAPP AND HIS HOT FRIES

The Trademark Office rejected an application for Washington Redskin potatoes this week. The decision hinged on the presence of actual redskin potatoes:

The U.S. Patent & Trademark Office has rejected another trademark application containing the term; “Washington Redskins Potatoes” won’t receive federal trademark protection. The product doesn’t include “redskin potatoes,” which makes the term “Redskins” when used in that context inappropriate, in the opinion of the agency.

“Registration is refused because the applied-for mark includes matter which may disparage or bring into contempt or disrepute persons, institutions, beliefs, or national symbols,” the agency ruled, via a press release distributed by the Oneida Indian Nation. “Given that ‘REDSKIN’ in the mark is a derogatory slang term that refers to, and is considered offensive by, American Indians, registration of the applied-for mark must be refused.”

It hinged on the breed of potato. But it was slathered in unnecessary bigotry and truly colorblind adjectival shenanigans (red??). Of course, this decision makes the actual Washington Redskins an endangered species. While a trademark is not required in order to do business under the Redskin name, it is required to stop people from misappropriating your “intellectual” property. And so we will soon arrive at a point where the Washington Redskins lose. And lose big. How soon is now?

STACI WANTED ME TO MENTION

Former Georgia quarterback Aaron Murray’s brother will be appearing on the latest edition of The Bachelorette. The Bachelorette herself is an attorney and it says here that Josh Murray “has a fair number of roses in his future.” It also says here that I hate myself for typing any of this.

RAP SHEET ROLL CALL

* Colts owner Jim Irsay was arrested this week for possession of illegal drugs during a late night stop. The police officer said the Mayflower moving van Irsay was driving was swerving erratically from lane to lane.

* Four Georgia football players were arrested this week for attempting to cash stipend checks twice. The kind of double dipping that state employees are renowned for.

* A Florida State football player has been kicked off the team after being arrested for misuse of a credit card. The misuse occurred when the player made several people wait an interminable amount of time in line behind him as he paid for a pack of gum with said card. The offense carries the death penalty.

Benton Lloyd & Chung Hoops Madness Commercial [YouTube]
Government agency rejects another “Redskins”-related trademark application [ProFootballTalk]
Aaron Murray’s Brother Will Be a Contestant on ‘The Bachelorette’ [CNNSI]


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