Football

God Hates You, Buffalo

This week, the Bills carry on their illustrious history as God's punchline, closing one lawsuit and preparing for another.

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There is a scene in the film Buffalo ’66 in which Christina Ricci’s character tap dances at a bowling alley. She’s wearing a very short lilac dress to go along with her tap shoes and she begins her dance slowly. She ends it slowly too. The whole thing is slow, a Thorazine shuffle committed to celluloid by one of this country’s truly weird film directors. The scene prompted Roger Ebert to remark, “What’s this scene doing in “Buffalo ’66”? Maybe Gallo didn’t have any other movie he could put it in.” What’s this paragraph doing on Above the Law?

This week, the Buffalo Bills managed to be at the center of the sporting universe for the first time since Frank Wycheck lofted that perfectly tight spiral into the arms of Kevin Dyson. Before that, it was the 4 Super Bowl defeats. The point here, if there ever is one, is that the Bills are destined to occupy our collective conscious every few years as the butt of some cosmic joke we have yet to divine the meaning of. This week, the Bills carry on their illustrious history as God’s punchline, closing one lawsuit and preparing for another.

Let’s talk text messages and vagina fungus.

Let’s talk sports…

BUFFALO ON LINE ONE, HELLO!

Class action lawsuits are the scourge of all decent folk who think there is a logical connection between the flow of money in this universe and honest-to-goodness common sense. Luckily, those decent folk are brain damaged and probably collect Precious Memory figurines and the legal profession is allowed to continue to operate as a quasi-regulatory body on all entities who dare to do business in this, the greatest nation on Earth.

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One such entity that has dared to do business is the Buffalo Bills. As part of that business, they allowed their Zubaz-clad troglodyte fanbase to sign up for text message updates about their favorite losers. Once the fans had signed up for 1994’s greatest way to receive news, the team bombarded them with text messages. To wit:

Jerry Wojcik, a Bills fan and area native now living in Florida, contended in his October 2012 suit that the team violated the terms of its text service by sending him 13 messages over two weeks when it promised to send no more than five per week.

I picture Wojcik in his condominium in Florida, screaming at his wife.
“Try to unplug it!” he says.
“It already is unplugged!” she screams.
“Why won’t they stop!?” he pleads.
*fart noise*

For such a minor offense, the Buffalo Bills were forced to settle with Wojcik’s attorneys. And for such a minor offense, you better believe the payouts are insanely small. Instead of cash of the cold hard variety, plaintiffs in the suit will receive… gift certificates to the Buffalo Bills team store. That’s right, sports fans. Zubaz, football-shaped telephones, and autographed Frank Reich jerseys will be flying off the shelves!

And the plaintiffs attorneys share $562,500. Heh.

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A FUNGUS AMONG US

We’ve previously written in this space about cheerleader lawsuits, which are spreading like wildfire. Or a vaginal fungus caused by an overripe tampon. This week, the top was blown off a lawsuit filed against the organizations that run the Buffalo Bills cheerleading troupe. While the hallmarks of such a suit were touched on, including unpaid work, insane scheduling demands, and gross physical demands, the specific nastiness of the job was not unveiled until yesterday. Deadspin published the code of conduct for the Buffalo Jills and, boy, does it not disappoint. Some lowlights:

12. When menstruating, use a product that right for your menstrual flow. A tampon too big can irritate and develop fungus. A product left in too long can cause bacteria or fungus build up. Products can be changed at least every 4 hours. Except when sleeping, they can be left in for the night.

16. Wash your feet daily ! This will help control foot odor & keep fungus from developing in toenails. Cotton socks also help with odor. Nylons and nylon socks create sweaty feet which creates odor.

85. Having unprotected sex is a leading cause of babies but also fungus, so ask your partners to use dental dams at all times, ladies. I’m serious, y’all.

2. When cutting meat. Never cut the full piece of meat all at once. Cut as you go, American style (cut and switch fork to right hand to eat) or European style (keeping fork in left hand to eat) eating is acceptable.

Doggystyle (jabbing a fork in the air while listening to Snoop’s best album)

30. Always say “excuse me” when you burp, sneeze or cough. Even if you think there isn’t anyone around.

31. Always blame your dog when you fart. Even if you think your girlfriend’s on to you.

18. Do not use slang in conversations. Never use words/phrases such as: “like”, “I seen it”, “You’s guys”, “dude”, “them guys” “pee” & “ain’t”.

What a delightfully random clutch of slang words. I suppose the author of this text expects Buffalo Jills to speak like Montgomery Burns, telling everyone in earshot that they are going to go “expel some urine.”

At any rate, Deadspin has the entire document for your perusal. I highly encourage everyone to go check it out as the anal retentiveness smacks not of sexism (although I don’t doubt a healthy dose of that), but of a kind of female who watched the movie Heathers not as satire but as a glimpse at the good life.

Anyway, watch out for them vagina fungi, ladies!

RAP SHEET ROLL CALL

* Former Ohio State cornerback Bradley Roby was charged with “operating a vehicle under the influence.” Roby was also charged by a tearful Mel Kiper, Jr. with “playing games with a draft board.”

* Another draft prospect, Charles Siddoway, was arrested on burglary charges. Siddoway was also charged by a tearful Mel Kiper, Jr. with “burgling my heart.”

* Finally, Keyshawn Johnson was arrested on domestic violence charges this week. Reached for comment, a tearful Mel Kiper, Jr. admitted he would probably need to go back and change up his 1996 mock.

Bills agree to $3 million settlement in fan’s text-message lawsuit [The Buffalo News]
Insane Handbook: Bills Cheerleaders Are Told How To Wash Their Vaginas [Deadspin]

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