We among the chattering classes give short shrift to the effects of those opinions we espouse. Take, for instance, gay marriage. This website was one of many that advocated fairly passionately in support of legal gay marriage. In a vaccum, of course, this was a sound position to take on the matter. In a vacuum, everything just sounds like “VVVRRRRRRGGGRRRRRRRR-WWWWWWWOBBLEOBBLEVVVVRRRRR!!!!”

But we do not live in vacuums, do we kids? No. Our floors are filthy. And so it is that gay marriage is now legal and heterosexuals are forced to break big rocks all day, waiting for the day that their homo overlords stop with the disco dancing and the fornicating. This is the bed we’ve made.

I suppose I should get to the sporting point of this discursion before I lose the 3 or 4 people who read these posts. Of late, the internet and even this small cyber space have beaten up on the NCAA something fierce. The organization — full of sports and money, signifying nothing — is a convenient target for scorn. And the recent drive to unionize the Northwestern football team, covered on this site and others, has galvanized into a sort of fait accompli about the end of amateurism, that traveshamockery of Orwellian gobbledygook. But if the Northwestern football players were successful in their legal fight, what would that really mean? What would the world of college sports look like if the jocks finally avenged their tragic defeat depicted in the non-fiction film Revenge of the Nerds?

Let’s talk powerful athletes…

WHERE’S DAUBER?

I’ve written previously about the horrific goings — on at Minnesota State. A quick summary goes something like this: The football coach was accused of taking pornographic videos of his own children, was re-assigned to a non-coaching position, was charged with possession of child pornography, had those charges dropped, then was fired by Minnesota State, and just recently was reinstated as coach of Minnesota State after a lengthy arbitration. The videos that led to this ended up being average parental videos of his children monkeying around post-bath. Although Kafkaesque is cheapened by its overuse, I’d say this set of facts begs for its descriptive power. Total nightmare.

And how is the man who was dragged through the muddiest of muds treated on his return? Like this:

Football players at Minnesota State Mankato refused to practice for their former head coach Wednesday, greeting his reinstatement by an arbitrator by demanding that the interim coach keep the top job.

Todd Hoffner returned to campus for the first time since the arbitrator ruled he was fired unfairly last year in the wake of a child porn investigation that ultimately cleared him.

Mavericks players came out for spring practice but were not in uniform, the Free Press of Mankato reported. They read a statement saying they were unanimous in wanting Aaron Keen to remain as head coach.

“We’ve all become outstanding community members, students and athletes in the last year and a half since the removal of Todd Hoffner,” said the statement, which junior safety Sam Thompson read aloud. “Throughout this process, we have been silent. It is time our voice is heard.”

A man gets absolutely pummeled by his employers and the justice system and this is what his former players have to say? That they prefer their interim coach?

Listen, I understand that change is difficult for everyone. Just last week, someone’s HBOGO password that I used to watch my favorite episodes of Arli$$ stopped working. My ability to watch John From Cincinnati reruns just up and vanished, like a fart in the wind. But you don’t hear me bellyaching like these football players. I watch Starz now.

If this is the future of college sports, we should be afraid. Very afraid. We can debate legal and ethical niceties all we want, but the end of the day looks something like this: college football players with more power to impose their bizarre moral worldview on the system. I’m not here to defend the current power structure. I’m merely here to say that the devil you know is sometimes not a complete trainwreck like these f**king guys.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GAMECOCK

Of course, maybe the players aren’t all bad. The status quo involves coaches treating their programs like godforsaken traveling tent revivals. Godless heathens, in the form of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, have lodged a formal complaint against Clemson’s football coach, Dabo Swinney, accusing him of rolling around on the floor and speaking in tongues.

Here’s a taste of FFRF’s (furf, fruff, farf?) accusations of “unconstitutional behavior” by the school:

Among the concerns outlined in the complaint by the FFRF, based on information obtained from an open records request:

• Swinney personally invited James Trapp to become team chaplain — in violation of the Constitution and university guidelines on hiring chaplains — and gave Trapp access to the entire team for Bible studies.

• Swinney schedules team devotionals.

• Swinney has organized transportation for coaches and players to “Church Days.”

I like when disparate elements are grouped together. Like “the Constitution and university guidelines.” How does the Supremacy Clause deal with house Monopoly rules? Even Free Parking? You don’t say.

Listen, I’m sure that Dabo Swinney is insufferable with his Christianity. But that’s just because he’s a football coach and insufferability comes with the territory. The Christianity is really secondary in all of this. He just happens to be an obsessive compulsive type who is up his players’ asses about Christianity. If it weren’t for Jesus Christ, he’d be up his players’ asses about Allah. Or Moses. Or that funny looking fella with the multiple appendages. Here, maybe Dabo can describe the various religions more appropriately:

Coach Swinney echoed similar sentiments in the Chronicle of Higher Education article. “I’ve had Muslims, Catholics—I’ve got two Mormons on this team right now,” Swinney told Wolverton. “When we get out on the football field, it’s not about if you’re a Christian, it’s about who’s the best player.”

Hell, even Catholics! The South truly is coming around, boys. God bless tolerance.

RAP SHEET ROLL CALL

* Donovan McNabb spent a day in Crazy Joe Arpaio’s pokey on DUI charges Wednesday. Rush Limbaugh took three Viagra to celebrate.

* Texas A&M is making an early charge towards the Fulmer Cup as they had three arrests come to light this week. Gig ‘em.

* A fan was arrested at the Giants-Dodgers game last night after throwing a firecracker into the crowd. All of this was worth it so that the story on the arrest could include this classic line: “The perpetrator is quite fortunate he didn’t seriously injure or kill someone, as M-80s — if indeed that’s what this was — are pretty powerful as consumer fireworks go.” I mean, on the non-consumer end of the spectrum, you’ve got some truly gnarly s**t. But as far as consumer fireworks? Yeah, M-80s are your best bet for big bang. Truly.

Minnesota State, Mankato, players refuse to practice as coach Todd Hoffner returns [Pioneer Press]
Group files complaint against Tigers [ESPN]


comments sponsored by

3 comments (hidden for your protection) Show all comments