Last week, we asked readers to submit possible captions for a video that looked a little like this. The original has since been taken down for very obvious reasons we’ll explain in just a minute:

On Monday, you voted on the finalists, and now it’s time to announce the winner of our contest…

As is customary with our caption contests, we’ll now reveal the backstory behind the picture. Yesterday, the entire world discovered that renowned SCOTUS litigator Tom Goldstein is representing Dan Bilzerian, the millionaire bad boy who’s facing a potential lawsuit after clutching a porn star like a bowling ball and tossing her from a roof into a pool. But not to worry, because with lines in lawyer-to-lawyer letters such as, “Like your client, the facts of the claim won’t, quite, fly,” we think that Bilzerian is going to do just fine.

It turns out Bilzerian was just showing Goldstein how millionaires have fun with guns, and other things people of his ilk consider toys, like women. Unfortunately, when Tommy’s letter hit the e-presses, he made his Instagram feed private, and the evidence of his Bilzerian experience disappeared from prying eyes.

Here’s the entirely appropriate winner of our latest caption contest:

Your honor if I may, I’d like to reserve the balance of my time for SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

Thanks to everyone for suggesting comments and for voting. If you wrote the winning caption, feel free to email us, subject line “Caption Contest Winner,” to claim your prize (an Above the Law t-shirt).

Earlier: The Most Epic Lawyer Response Ever To A Porn Star Threatening To Sue
Caption Contest Finalists: A Supreme Court Sharp Shooter
Caption Contest: A Supreme Court Sharp Shooter


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