Death Penalty, Mary Jo White, Non-Sequiturs, Prostitution, Rape, Securities and Exchange Commission

Non-Sequiturs: 05.05.14

* Pet therapy? This is what you’re doing with your time? This is why Cardozo can’t have nice things. [Cardozo Law]

* Nobody likes name-calling, but opting for the death penalty just because you don’t want to be called “retarded”? That’s, um, what’s the word I’m looking for? [Cincinnati Enquirer]

* Remember when Mary Jo White was going to bring teeth to the SEC? Well, that’s all over. [New Republic]

* Live tweeting a prostitution sting. Yeah there’s no way this could go wrong. [Slate]

* Law student says cops beat him so hard he lost a testicle. Um. That’s horrible. [KOB]

* Do you fancy yourself a funny lawyer? Then enter New York’s Funniest Professional competition. Lawyers square off later this month. [Gotham Comedy Club / Manhattan Comedy School]

* Judge sentences rapist to 45-days and community service… working in a rape crisis center. Because the victim was “promiscuous.” How could anyone be this tone-deaf? Oh, it’s in Texas? Never mind. [CNN]

* California lawyers now must promise to be courteous. Play nice, kids. [LA Times]

* Finally, it’s time to wish a happy birthday to Winston & Strawn’s Jonathan Amoona, who was on the 2014 Forbes 30 Under 30 list. I guess he won’t be anymore. His 30th birthday invitation went out to the managing partner and a bunch of the top rainmakers, which isn’t toolish at all. The invite is available after the jump….

Amoona had a junior colleague send out the email on his behalf. Here it is.

WINSTON & STRAWN — JONATHAN AMOONA BIRTHDAY EMAIL

Hello Everyone,

If you are receiving this email, you are part of a select group, one that is neither particularly visible nor all that well understood outside the hallowed halls of Winston & Strawn. (Arguably not within them, either.) You are someone for whom the Battle of Puebla may mean nothing, but for whom May 5 has special significance all the same. Yes, the rest of the country recognizes that day as a celebration of Mexican pride, but yours is a higher calling (according to, uh, some). As April showers subside and summer faintly shimmers on the horizon, you celebrate a more parochial, novelty holiday: Cinco de Moona.

Indeed, it is again time to set down your work, congregate, and set off the party as we fete Jonathan Amoona and the first thirty years of his grace’s reign. This year Jon embarks upon a new chapter in his life, one that befits the beginning of a fourth decade for someone who has already appeared in Forbes magazine and could likely still win a footrace against anyone on the top five-and-a-half (or is it a quarter? The construction is confusing) floors of the MetLife Building. Whereas previous Cinco de Moona celebrations have raged on well into seis de mayo, this year’s might end around 8 because Jon has graduated to respectable birthday dinners. The party need not stop when he departs, of course, but what’s a birthday party without its birthday boy? If nothing else, you’ll want to be there early enough to buy him a drink.

Thus, we hope you will join in celebrating a Cinco de Moona that is prospectively shorter on time but no less potent. Be sure to have your Uber account in working order.

WHEN: Monday, May 5 beginning at 5:45

WHERE: TBD [Awaiting confirmation—but please mark your calendars now]

Finally, please forward this email to anyone who may have been inadvertently omitted but is a practicing Cinco de Moonan.

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