Biglaw, Document Review

Qui Tam: Document Review

Don't you just love the voyeuristic aspect of document review?

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Like one of probably hundreds of associates of a certain vintage, I spent a fair number of billable hours sifting through thousands of documents (often copies of copies of copies of the same document) relating to the Enron fraud.  LJM1 and LJM2, Raptor I, II, III, and IV, etc. 

I don’t recall discovering anything that many others hadn’t already noticed, but as I found to be true in other document reviews, there were plenty of personal emails sprinkled amongst the “wheat” that offered some respite from the boredom of the review task.  That, plus the fact that essentially limitless low-stress billable hours are great for hitting bonus targets, were for me pretty much the only redeeming features of the document review exercise….

The Chaff

I’ve seen it all:
Baby pictures, toilet jokes,
Amateur porn,
Guy talk, girl talk, guy on guy on girl talk,
Vacation schedules, doctor’s orders,
Illicit rendez-vous dates,
Caught-in-the-act confessions,
Bubba apologies, begging pleading
Please take me back I won’t do it again I love you honey
Bullshit.
Bosses lying, employees crying,
Backstabbing, moneygrubbing,
Playing favorites, manipulating,
Daddy send me money please,
I need it for my best friend she’s
In a bind I want to help her out
I’m not an alcoholic really
(Got the cash now let’s go fucking party!)
All that stuff.
I know it’s tawdry, it’s peeping tom,
But it’s reality fucking doc review
And I just want to say
Thank you.
Thank you for keeping me sane.

Qui Tam, a weekly column of poetry about the legal profession, is penned by an arrogant T1 law graduate, former Biglaw associate, and current in-house lawyer. You can reach Qui Tam by email: quitammer@hotmail.com.

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