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The Greatest Letter Ever? The ATL Lawyer Letter Bracket — Day 2

The second pod of round 1 voting in the ATL Lawyer Letter Bracket it here!

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Welcome back!

Last week, we kicked off The ATL Lawyer Letter Bracket by letting you choose your favorite piece of lawyer writing from the annals of ATL. Day 1 pitted No. 4, The Greatest Response To A Cease And Desist Letter, Probably Written While Drunk, against No. 13, This May Be The Best Cease And Desist Letter Ever Written, and No. 5, This May Be An Even Greater Response To A Cease And Desist Letter, against No. 12, Scathing Letter Suggests Smart Lawyer A Dumb [Expletive].

Today we have the next four teams in our competition looking for your vote….

No. 3 — The Most Epic Lawyer Response Ever To A Porn Star Threatening To Sue

This story began with a millionaire playboy throwing a naked porn star off a roof and ended with a legal luminary treating us to a hilarious letter ripping the woman’s threatened lawsuit. This prompted SCOTUSBlog’s Tom Goldstein, Dan Bilzerian’s lawyer, to respond:

It shows facts your client always omits: she was under contract to Hustler and agreed with Hustler’s request that she be photographed while being thrown off the roof. I always thought that this kind of thing was Photoshopped instead. Perhaps Hustler’s editorial standards would not permit it. Perhaps she insists on doing all her own stunts. I really do not know.

In all events, she agreed. Very few people I know would make that choice. But there it is. And chronologically, she’s an adult competent to make it. Hustler and your client asked Mr. Bilzerian to be the thrower, and we can all agree that was the better end of the deal.

Like your client, the facts of the claim won’t, quite, fly.

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Wow.

No. 14 — From The ‘Why People Hate Lawyers’ File: An L.A. Lawyer’s Letter

Lat thought this letter crossed the line. Sure — the line of awesome! When an air-conditioner routinely breaks, a man turns to his lawyer buddy (and roommate) to send a letter to the building manager. What results is wish-fulfillment for every tenant who ever had an unresponsive landlord.

However, when I am confronted with people who treat me as if I were stupid or powerless (as [your] staff have, and as your letter of the other day appeared to), then I become personally incensed. Then, I do not feel that I have to turn the proverbial “other cheek” or show mercy. I am a Jew who was born and raised in Manhattan, New York; accordingly, as Mayor Ed Koch noted in 1989, being miserable and hating everyone around me is my God-given birthright.

No. 6 — Stanford Dean Should Count To 10 Before Sending More Emails

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Just because you’ve gone into academia doesn’t mean you can’t write lawyer letters. When a bunch of Stanford Law grads wanted access to school facilities while studying for the bar exam, a Stanford dean, Cathy Glaze, wrote her own set of cease and desist letters, scolding the students for speaking out of turn and telling them to lay off. But it’s not so much that her emails are snippy — it’s that they are replete with unnecessary lawyer-ball:

So, I saw the petition when I opened my email this morning and I’ve got to say that I was rather surprised and disheartened by it. Let me tell you why.

First, it is not really petition.

· Whom are you petitioning?

There is no addressee to this petition. Knowing the right person to ask is essential to an effective petition.

· The petition doesn’t make a request.

It indicates that you don’t want to pay $5 but it doesn’t even ask for free access.

You can take the lawyer out of the practice, but you can’t take the practice out of the lawyer.

No. 11 — ‘Dear Piece Of Sh*t’: A Great Response To A Patent Troll

Patent trolls are the worst. And then this guy took it upon himself to strike a blow for the forces of justice with this very, very simple letter:

Dear Piece of Sh*t,

We are currently in the process of retaining counsel and investigating this matter. As a result, we will not be able to meet your Friday deadline. After reviewing this matter with our counsel, we will provide a prompt response.

I will pray tonight that karma is real, and that you are its worthy recipient.

Easily the shortest letter in the competition.

So let’s vote. The voting for this round (including last week’s post) will remain open until August 18, at 11:59 p.m. After that we’ll be able to publish the results of all four weeks of round 1 matchups and move into the Elite Eight.

Which Is The Better Lawyer Letter?

  • No. 3 -- The Most Epic Lawyer Response Ever To A Porn Star Threatening To Sue (93%, 541 Votes)
  • No. 14 -- From The ‘Why People Hate Lawyers’ File: An L.A. Lawyer’s Letter (7%, 39 Votes)

Total Voters: 580

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Which Is The Better Lawyer Letter?

  • No. 11 -- ‘Dear Piece Of Sh*t’: A Great Response To A Patent Troll (82%, 457 Votes)
  • No. 6 -- Stanford Dean Should Count To 10 Before Sending More Emails (18%, 103 Votes)

Total Voters: 560

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If you just want to read the letters in their original form without commentary, they are reproduced over the next few pages….

Earlier: No. 3 – The Most Epic Lawyer Response Ever To A Porn Star Threatening To Sue
No. 14 – From The ‘Why People Hate Lawyers’ File: An L.A. Lawyer’s Letter

No. 6 – Stanford Dean Should Count To 10 Before Sending More Emails
No. 11 – ‘Dear Piece Of Sh*t’: A Great Response To A Patent Troll

Also: The Greatest Letter Ever? The ATL Lawyer Letter Bracket — Day 1

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