Every now and then you forget that Capitol Hill interns are the absolute worst. Unless you live in Washington, D.C. In that case, these type-A Tracy Flicks are always around to give your already douchetastic bars that extra drop of vinegar. It’s not just that these proto-gunners won’t stop talking about their overinflated sense of the long-term legacy their ability to alphabetize will have on tax reform, it’s that they do this while surrounded by other D.C. professionals who actually make a difference want to talk about how much more alphabetizing they’ve done in their careers.

On some level you want to appreciate their eager spirits. It reminds you of the hopes and dreams you had before the weight of the world crushed you. But then other times their shameless sense of self-worth reminds you that politics is a narcissist’s game. Even if the narcissist is well-meaning, like I presume most interns are. Like when you get a tweet like this one from Yahoo’s Chris Moody:

I’m not gonna snark on this Hill summer intern. More power to him.

So apparently Moody is getting his passive-aggressive on by telling his 22K followers all about how he’s not going to snark on the snarkworthy link he’s sending. Moody would have made a great lawyer.

Well, what did this intern do? Did he make a cheesy webpage about himself explaining how he’s going to president?

Oh, but he did. Dylan Ross prepared this glorious webpage announcing his run for President — after he becomes a Biglaw partner, of course — for us all to revel in. It comes complete with this candidate picture.

The “earnest face while leaning against a tree.” Classic. If there’s one set of images more hackneyed than “lawyer in front of books” it’s “gravitas imparted from leaning on trees in suits.” If you want to follow him on Twitter, he’s @Dylan4President.

Seriously.

Dylan tells us about his life and plans:

I am currently a student at Westminster College, a small liberal arts school in Missouri, where I am studying political science, U.S. history, and pre-law.

I want to attend New York University Law School where I will focus on mergers and acquisitions.

Alright, let’s stop criticizing this guy, because he at least understands the best law school around. Go Violets! He’ll be sorely disappointed at just how unlike undergrad law schools are when he tries to major in M&A, but we were all young once and unschooled in the ways of law school as a three-year litigation training exercise.

After law school I would like to work for a large and successful firm where I will eventually make partner. I will then use that success to help fund my political aspirations by running for the U.S. Senate.

In Moody’s defense, I’m not really going to mock this either. He’s young and he has aspirations. If he goes to NYU, he does have a great chance of working at a large and successful firm, and if he sets his mind to it, he can probably become a partner. Whether a Biglaw partnership stake offers the kind of wealth required to fund a Senate run is a different question. It all goes back to the great Chris Rock and the difference between being rich and being wealthy: “Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check… is wealthy.” Being rich isn’t going to fund much in the way of political runs. It’s probably more true that your connections to other partners and — more importantly — deep-pocketed clients will fund your political aspirations. So, this isn’t really a call to change your plans, just recalibrate your expectations.

After serving a couple terms in the Senate I would like to run for and be elected to the Office of President of the United States. Around the year 2036.

Oh. OK. Hey, it’d be great for NYU Law to produce a president. The closest we came was Sam Tilden in 1876 whose largely racist tactics to steal the election lost to the largely corrupt tactics of Rutherford B. Hayes to steal the election.

Look, lots of people think they should be president when they’re an adolescent. Probably because adolescents would be just about as good at governing as most adult politicians. Tell me honestly that a random 13-year-old wouldn’t forge better legislation than Louie Gohmert.

But generally these dreamers are full of ideas about how they would want to reshape the world. There’s no platform here. It’s like he wants to be POTUS because that would make for a good story. That’s a dangerous place to be, Dylan — believing in the cult of your own personality rather than the strength of your vision. I mean, it’s pretty much par for the course for a lot of political figures over the last 20 years, but that doesn’t mean it should be. If you’re going to keep this site up — and hey, while all this attention might be embarrassing in the short-term (or not if the narcissism is strong with this one), there’s no such thing as bad press if you know how to take advantage of it — be something different and give us something substantive to latch onto in a political landscape loaded with fluff. You do have ideas — you wrote The Corporation from a Neo-Marxist Perspective: A New Impetus of Alienation. Not sure how that plays with the M&A career. But yeah, highlight some substantive ideas. However, you probably won’t for fear of flip-flopping, which is a sad statement on political discourse.

Here’s an example of something you could stand for: support an increased emphasis on math in our nation’s schools. Because 2036 less the two terms in the Senate (12 years) less the stint in Biglaw (8 years… we’ll assume the Senate comes immediately after making partner) less the three years of law school means you would need to have started law school… last year.

Brush up on those math skills before managing a big-time M&A deal.

Just in case his profile gets taken down, there’s a screenshot on the next page….


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