I’m not going to write this post.
I’m going to let you, the readers, write the opening for this post, then I’m going to let the law school website write the body, then I’ll let a local paper write the closing.
I’ll just be over here, laughing my ass off.
Here are real emails I received from tipsters:
- “Oh man, this is rich! Looks to me like some drunk, religious law student’s online fantasy, but apparently there’s an actual grownup person, or people, behind it. Drunk on Jesus perhaps. Evidently it’s ‘not a scam.’ Which makes it worse.”
- “Reindeer award? Sign me up.”
- “Please do an article on this. You could basically just copy and paste crazy s**t from their website; it really just writes itself.”
That’s what I’m trying to do, boss. I couldn’t even make up a name for a law school more ridiculous than the name it’s actually chosen…
Okay, here are some quick “facts” about the school, as listed on its website. I’ll do this FAQ-style. I’ll ask a question and let the website answer:
What is the name of this law school?
Alaska Law School, In God We Trust
When does it start?
03 March: Michaelmas Term
The Michaelmas Term?
The Michaelmas term.
But in England, doesn’t the Michaelmas Term start in October?
How much does it cost?
The Juris Doctor degree is a three year program. In state students can expect to pay approximately $43,000 per year including books. Foreign students can expect to pay approximately $53,000 including books. There is a lot of financial aid available, especially for in state Alaskan students. Grants and loans complete the package and you are ready to go! Contact the Admissions Office and get ready to succeed!
Wait, the website quotes an “approximate” tuition, lists no fees, and characterizes its financial aid program as “a lot”?
What is the emphasis of your J.D. program?
The Jusis Doctor (J.D.) program is the jewel of the Alaska Law School. First year 1L students will obtain a concrete foundation of fundamental legal principles empowering students to move to more conplex abstract legal concepts their second and third years
You realize “first year 1L” is a redundant phrase. Also, none of those words mean anything. Pro-tip, always use the acronym “J.D.” if your spelling is shaky. Typing out “Juris Doctor” is… “complex.”
First year required courses include
Contracts, Torts, Civil Procedure, Property, Legal Research (seminar), Criminal Law and Procedure, Remedies, International and Comparative Law, The Constitution
Can you see “the Constitution” from your house?
Please tell me you have an LL.M program.
The L.L.M. degree is tailored for students who already have excellent legal training and experience.
As members of the bar, such applicants may have worked as private or public practicing attorneys or may have already served their communities in a judicial or quasi-judicial capacity. Students at this stage of development will be given a much greater flexibility to design their own course of study to enable research, collaboration and exchange. In this program students work with faculty to design a course of study consistent with their area of specialization.
So, it’s kind of a “choose your own adventure” masters?
Students are encouraged to be associated with one of the ALS Academic Centers with a concentration in one or more programs of study areas or departments.
Do you have, like, a faculty page?
Do you have any kind of almost certainly fabricated statement from an alleged student who is excited to matriculate?
how great not to have to go to the lower 48!
May 11, 2014
I am very excited to be going to such a great school with such highly educated people! I am going to save a lot of money (about 15k plus) by not having to pay for transportation to the lower 48 and all the housing costs. I can save money living at home. I love the snow (except when I slip and fall) and I am glad to be with a lot of amazing people. Hope to see you there. Stephanie C.
Seriously, who the f**k are you?
Dean’s Wecome [sic],
Welcome to the Alaska Law School, In God We Trust, the great dream of my life. I am honored to extend my heartfelt love to you all. I believe in the cameraderie [sic] of the citizens of our great state. We understand what it means to be in this together.
I am committed to academic excellence. Alaska Law School is a cut above. Come and join our academic community. We want you to succeed!
Founder and Dean
Could this be any more ridiculous?
While ALS works to obtain a land grant in the Fairbanks area large enough to contain these operations, two ships, a gift to the Alaska Law School by an anonymous donor will assist in the acquistion of this epic endeavor! It will also have enough space to give law school classes and seminars.
All right, let’s get to the news, as reported by the Alaska Dispatch:
The Alaska Commission on Postsecondary Education says the law school violates state statute. In an online consumer advisory notice posted Wednesday, the commission said the law school is not authorized to operate in Alaska. Under state law, the commission must give the go ahead before a postsecondary education provider can advertise or enroll.
The commission asked the state’s Office of the Attorney General to begin drafting a cease and desist letter for the school by Thursday morning, said Joann Rieselbach, the commission’s school relations manager.
Damn. I’m almost hoping that somehow ALS, In God We Trust survives regulatory challenges. It’ll make gaining provisional accreditation for Above the Law Law School that much easier. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see about buying a law boat on eBay.
State, Alaska bar skeptical of ‘new’ Alaska law school [Alaska Dispatch News]