Fictional depictions of high-powered executives and lawyers feature personal assistants with job portfolios more akin to “slave child” than “professional.” Sometimes these assistants are associates, but usually they’re in some other job — like legal secretaries, or whatever Waylon Smithers does. These jobs don’t usually exist in real life. Sure, a partner might ask a paralegal or secretary for a cup of coffee, but they aren’t really so full of themselves as to expect some low-wage employee to peel grapes and fan palm leaves.

Unless you’re this guy, of course. This guy is a partner who wants an employee to “reduce my stress level” by handling every task that he feels is beneath his lofty stature. Behold someone so out of touch with basic decency….

Now you might think that this must be coming from a partner in New York or London, but you’d be wrong. Instead we have an Atlanta practitioner. Not to knock the Atlanta market, but if you’re in Atlanta and as utterly incapable of managing your own life as this guy claims to be, perhaps it’s time to get out of law altogether. Matlock was able to manage an Atlanta practice just fine without paying some intern a pittance to squeeze prune juice for him.

The lengthy classified was posted on a number of Atlanta job sites.

If there’s a better argument for a STEM education, I haven’t seen it. Spend your college days reading about Aristotle and enjoy living like an ancient Athenian… serving richer people for no money. Still, there’s something weird about demanding such specificity when seeking a gofer. If he’s willing to hire someone without a degree anyway, why not a down-on-their-luck scientist?

Yeah, we know what service jobs are. He missed “prostitute,” which is probably the most relevant work experience based on this job description.

What a monumental douchebag. “[S]omeone who understands that service is a form of art and will perform his or her duties with a sense of style and with utter dedication.” Buying someone’s lunch is not a form of art. You’d think an art major would be able to see that. Also “Complete Flexibility” and “Discretion.” I double-down on my earlier observation: this is a job listing for an escort.

There’s no mention of removing all the red M&Ms from the candy bowl, but that’s just assumed. Why exactly are writing skills a must? The ad goes out of its way to clarify that this isn’t a legal or even legal secretary job. And yet…

“I am not looking for a legal secretary” has become “I will also ask you to perform some secretarial duties.” He wants someone to provide counsel and assemble briefs? Listen, buddy, what you actually need is an associate. You claim the pay is generous, so go ahead and hire one of the many, many out of work lawyers hanging around Atlanta. They’ll appreciate it, and you’ll be guaranteed to lock down a colleague capable of all the “critical thinking” you seem to want so much.

Then you can use the spare time you’ve earned yourself to buy your own damn lunch.

If you want to see the whole ad, or God forbid apply, it’s on the next page….


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