The Greatest Lawyer Letter Ever? -- Elite Eight
Come vote for your favorites! Some of the possible Final Four matchups are quite intriguing.
After slogging through 4 weeks of Sweet Sixteen voting, we’ve finally identified the eight best lawyer letters ever featured in the pages of ATL. Unsurprisingly, the seeding largely held — after all, that’s what good seeding does — but there were also some critical upsets, especially where stories from different eras clashed.
And so now that we’ve pared the field down to a manageable number (not that 16 isn’t manageable generally, but when half the entries have similar titles it would be a mess) we finally have a bracket image to work with.
So it’s time for you to vote!
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To help you remember each letter, I’ve reproduced the blurbs to go with each poll. Polls will remain open until August 25, at 11:59 p.m.
No. 1 – A Great Response to a Cease and Desist Letter
The most read lawyer letter in ATL history. When the town of West Orange, New Jersey, was less than pleased with Jake Freivald, a local who maintained westorange.info, a website with basic information about West Orange, the city government wrote Jake a threatening cease and desist letter. And that’s when Freivald’s attorney Stephen B. Kaplitt, took off the gloves and wrote a comic masterpiece:
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Not that we didn’t get the joke… but since Mr. Freivald not previously encountered a humorous lawyer, he actually thought your letter may have been a serious effort by the Township to protect its legitimate interests. Rest assured, I’ve at least convinced him that it was certainly not some impulsive, ham-fisted attempt to bully a local resident solely because of his well-known political views. After all, as lawyers you and I both know that would be flagrantly unconstitutional and would also, in the words of my 4-year-old, make you a big meanie.
No. 9 – Patent Attorney Mad As Hell and Not Going To Take It (From the USPTO) Anymore
Andrew Schroeder does not like the USPTO. Among his complaints:
Are you drunk? No, seriously… are you drinking scotch and whiskey with a side of crack cocaine while you “examine” patent applications? (Heavy emphasis on the quotes.) Do you just mail merge rejection letters from your home? Is that what taxpayers are getting in exchange for your services? Have you even read the patent application? I’m curious. Because you either haven’t read the patent application or are… (I don’t want to say the “R” word) “Special.”
And that’s just the beginning.
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Which Is The Better Lawyer Letter?
- No. 1 -- A Great Response to a Cease and Desist Letter (76%, 600 Votes)
- No. 9 -- Patent Attorney Mad As Hell and Not Going To Take It (From the USPTO) Anymore (24%, 190 Votes)
Total Voters: 790
Loading ...No. 4 — The Greatest Response To A Cease And Desist Letter, Probably Written While Drunk
A bar in Missouri received a threatening letter from Starbucks over a beer named “Frappicino,” which was a little too close to “Frappuccino” for Seattle’s taste. This one is kind of fudging the title of “lawyer letter” since the bar’s owner wrote the letter pro se. Nonetheless, he earned himself an honorary J.D. in our hearts for his mocking response and solid grasp of some basic intellectual property concepts:
We never thought that our beer drinking customers would have thought that the alcoholic beverage coming out of the tap would have actually been coffee from one of the many, many, many stores located a few blocks away. I guess that with there being a Starbucks on every corner of every block in every city that some people may think they could get a Starbucks at a local bar. So that was our mistake.
No. 5 — This May Be An Even Greater Response To A Cease And Desist Letter
Covington & Burling represented the American Bankers Association and wrote a snotty letter threatening a website for printing a directory of bank routing numbers in an easily searchable form. The banking industry saw the guide as a threat to their book sales. But the attorney for the website explained that regardless of how much they want the underlying information to be protected by intellectual property law, it just isn’t. “Even if one wants it like the Spice Girls want a ‘zigazig ha.’”
Which Is The Better Lawyer Letter?
- No. 4 — The Greatest Response To A Cease And Desist Letter, Probably Written While Drunk (56%, 358 Votes)
- No. 5 — This May Be An Even Greater Response To A Cease And Desist Letter (44%, 286 Votes)
Total Voters: 644
Loading ...No. 3 — The Most Epic Lawyer Response Ever To A Porn Star Threatening To Sue
This story began with a millionaire playboy throwing a naked porn star off a roof and ended with a legal luminary treating us to a hilarious letter ripping the woman’s threatened lawsuit. This prompted SCOTUSBlog’s Tom Goldstein, Dan Bilzerian’s lawyer, to respond:
It shows facts your client always omits: she was under contract to Hustler and agreed with Hustler’s request that she be photographed while being thrown off the roof. I always thought that this kind of thing was Photoshopped instead. Perhaps Hustler’s editorial standards would not permit it. Perhaps she insists on doing all her own stunts. I really do not know.
In all events, she agreed. Very few people I know would make that choice. But there it is. And chronologically, she’s an adult competent to make it. Hustler and your client asked Mr. Bilzerian to be the thrower, and we can all agree that was the better end of the deal.
Like your client, the facts of the claim won’t, quite, fly.
Wow.
No. 11 — ‘Dear Piece Of Sh*t’: A Great Response To A Patent Troll
Patent trolls are the worst. And then this guy took it upon himself to strike a blow for the forces of justice with this very, very simple letter:
Dear Piece of Sh*t,
We are currently in the process of retaining counsel and investigating this matter. As a result, we will not be able to meet your Friday deadline. After reviewing this matter with our counsel, we will provide a prompt response.
I will pray tonight that karma is real, and that you are its worthy recipient.
Easily the shortest letter in the competition.
Which Is The Better Lawyer Letter?
- No. 3 — The Most Epic Lawyer Response Ever To A Porn Star Threatening To Sue (76%, 517 Votes)
- No. 11 — ‘Dear Piece Of Sh*t’: A Great Response To A Patent Troll (24%, 159 Votes)
Total Voters: 676
Loading ...No. 2 – This Lawyer Just Wrote The Best Smackdown Letter You’ll See Today
Kirkland & Ellis wrote to counsel for a non-party witness and accused him of withholding responsive documents — specifically, 4-year-old emails. What came next was an epic smackdown schooling Kirkland on the retention practices of normal people.
Next, you note that parties to the lawsuit have produced documents, including communications with Mr. Adams, which Mr. Adams has not. You treat this as some sort of coup de grace, rather than a reflection of the utterly unremarkable fact that, 4 years after the fact, some people have retained more emails than others, and those who are defendants in a lawsuit have retained more than those who are not. You request that Mr. Adams produce the communications that you attached to your letter. I suppose we could do that now that we have them, but I think what you are really suggesting is that Mr. Adams had these emails all along and has been holding out on you. He doesn’t and he hasn’t. If you really want me to send the documents you sent me right back to you, let me know.
No. 10 – Now This is a Cover Letter
An unemployed lawyer decided to throw convention out the window and compose a hilarious cover letter. A taste:
Finally, if I do not receive an offer for employment, many firms will be quite disappointed. Dozens of firms have indicated a desire for my “success” in the “future” with a “challenging” or “rewarding” position “somewhere else,” and I do not intend to upset these firms by failing.
And exploding the bulls**t law firms say didn’t end there: the letter resulted in a swift rejection even though the firm publicly claimed to value a sense of humor. So much for that.
Which Is The Better Lawyer Letter?
- No. 2 – This Lawyer Just Wrote The Best Smackdown Letter You’ll See Today (66%, 428 Votes)
- No. 10 – Now This is a Cover Letter (34%, 218 Votes)
Total Voters: 646
Loading ...Happy voting!
