We’re halfway through the first round of this epic bracket. We’ve got polls active right now from Day 1 and Day 2 featuring eight different lawyer letters — seeded by all-time traffic — vying for a trip to the Elite Eight.

Now the next four entrants join the party.

Do you remember these gems of legal authorship?

No. 2 – This Lawyer Just Wrote The Best Smackdown Letter You’ll See Today

Kirkland & Ellis wrote to counsel for a non-party witness and accused him of withholding responsive documents — specifically 4-year-old emails. What came next was an epic smackdown schooling Kirkland on the retention practices of normal people.

Next, you note that parties to the lawsuit have produced documents, including communications with Mr. Adams, which Mr. Adams has not. You treat this as some sort of coup de grace, rather than a reflection of the utterly unremarkable fact that, 4 years after the fact, some people have retained more emails than others, and those who are defendants in a lawsuit have retained more than those who are not. You request that Mr. Adams produce the communications that you attached to your letter. I suppose we could do that now that we have them, but I think what you are really suggesting is that Mr. Adams had these emails all along and has been holding out on you. He doesn’t and he hasn’t. If you really want me to send the documents you sent me right back to you, let me know.

No. 15 – Cease-and-Desist Letter Made For Etsy User Is Riddled With Handmade Errors

A commenter accused an Etsy seller of simply redistributing mass-produced junk from Indonesia rather than personally bedazzling their trinkets. The seller, under the name of their attorney, sent out an incomprehensible cease and desist letter with statements like, “You understand that you may think reflect a true state of facts” and “Many of the people making these comments are wreck less fools.”

The wife of the attorney suggested that she was the true author of the letter and that she wrote it on her phone, which I think was supposed to make us less critical of this abomination of a threatening letter.

No. 7 – Remember Jones Day’s Hissy Fit C&D Letter? Here’s The Response!

Jones Day is neck deep in the ongoing Detroit bankruptcy, having won that business in a completely non-questionable way after a former partner took on the role of First Consul for Life, or Emergency Manager, or whatever they’re calling it now. So when an irate observer created a parody site ripping the process, Jones Day had the bright idea of threatening the proprietor for posting the Jones Day logo. Jones Day didn’t so much have “law” on their side, but they hoped that this poor guy wouldn’t have the wherewithal to fight back.

That’s when the Electronic Frontier Foundation learned about the matter and took on the case. What followed was a stinging rebuke of the law firm’s hissy fit.

No. 10 – Now This is a Cover Letter

An unemployed lawyer decided to throw convention out the window and compose a hilarious cover letter. A taste:

Finally, if I do not receive an offer for employment, many firms will be quite disappointed. Dozens of firms have indicated a desire for my “success” in the “future” with a “challenging” or “rewarding” position “somewhere else,” and I do not intend to upset these firms by failing.

And exploding the bulls**t law firms say didn’t end there: the letter resulted in a swift rejection even though the firm publicly claimed to value a sense of humor. So much for that.

Voting time! The voting for this round (including the last two weeks of posts) will remain open until August 18, at 11:59 p.m. After that, we’ll be able to publish the results of all four weeks of round 1 matchups and move into the Elite Eight.

Which Is The Better Lawyer Letter?

  • No. 2 -- This Lawyer Just Wrote The Best Smackdown Letter You’ll See Today (93%, 407 Votes)
  • No. 15 -- Cease-and-Desist Letter Made For Etsy User Is Riddled With Handmade Errors (7%, 31 Votes)

Total Voters: 438

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Which Is The Better Lawyer Letter?

  • No. 10 -- Now This is a Cover Letter (61%, 262 Votes)
  • No. 7 -- Remember Jones Day’s Hissy Fit C&D Letter? Here’s The Response! (39%, 166 Votes)

Total Voters: 428

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If you just want to read the letters in their original form without commentary, they are reproduced over the next few pages….

Earlier: No. 2 – This Lawyer Just Wrote The Best Smackdown Letter You’ll See Today
No. 15 – Cease-and-Desist Letter Made For Etsy User Is Riddled With Handmade Errors

No. 7 – Remember Jones Day’s Hissy Fit C&D Letter? Here’s The Response!
No. 10 – Now This is a Cover Letter

Also: The Greatest Letter Ever? The ATL Lawyer Letter Bracket — Day 1
The Greatest Letter Ever? The ATL Lawyer Letter Bracket — Day 2


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