Divorce Train Wrecks, Small Law Firms, Solo Practitioners

A Solo Practitioner's Choice: Marriage v. Career

Is her law practice is to blame for the divorce, or did she bring this upon herself by choosing her career over family?

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When you are starting your solo practice from scratch with no connections, clients, or money, expect to make many sacrifices in the beginning. You must sacrifice time with friends and family to attend networking events meeting people — most of them in the same position as you. You will miss many Simpsons episodes to read legal treatises and practice guides. Money will be spent to pay for office overhead — gifts, luxuries, and even student loan payments will have to wait.

Unfortunately, for one solo attorney, her pursuit of professional success required her to sacrifice one of life’s most treasured partnerships: her marriage. Over the weekend, solo practitioner Vivian Sobers announced on her blog that she and her husband of 11 years have decided to separate and eventually divorce.

Vivian’s story is not unusual. Most of us in our line of work have either experienced rocky relationships ourselves or know someone who has. What is unusual is that she is open about it, and I commend her for that. But here’s the question: is her law practice is to blame for the divorce, or did she bring this upon herself by choosing her career over family?

Vivian went to a not-so-great law school around the time the Great Recession began thinking that she would have her pick of prestigious jobs after graduation. She did not make law review and presumably was not at the top of her class. As a result, she suffered the same fate I did at graduation: no job offers, even with low-paying small firms. After sending out hundreds of résumés to no avail, she decided to start her own solo practice.

Vivian and her husband had been together since college. He also played an integral role in Vivian’s decision to go to law school. Things seemed to be going well. According to Vivian, her solo practice started making a profit after six months. And her husband has a job with regular hours and good pay. Under most Hollywood fairy-tale storylines, they were on their way to living happily ever after.

But as Vivian’s practice grew, it took a toll on her family life. She spent less time with her husband. He resented standing in line for her attention, especially during non-business hours. The tension probably manifested itself through unhappiness, fights, and isolation, until divorce became inevitable.

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This seems to be a recurring problem in marriages involving young, ambitious professionals. The scenario goes something like this. A couple, each with ambition, gets married at a young age, relying on each other’s similar ambition, chemistry, and future career prospects. One or both work long hours and as a result, the couple rarely has alone time except to deal with a problem. While the newlyweds do not yet have a solid career path because of their youth and inexperience, they put up with the initial struggles thinking that when one or both become successful, they will eventually take the time off to share in the fame and fortune.

The problem is that at some point, at least one of the spouses starts to feel neglected and disillusioned about the marital relationship. Perhaps he didn’t become a success as quickly as she had hoped. Or maybe the success wasn’t worth the late nights and the loneliness. Most solo practitioners are able to achieve some level of work-life balance. But for some, either voluntarily or through an ultimatum from the neglected spouse, a person has to make the ultimate choice: either her family or her career. Vivian chose the latter.

But is Vivian’s pursuit of a successful law practice to blame for the divorce? Or did she make some bad decisions and not get her priorities straight? One of the commenters said that Vivian could have chosen to devote more time to her husband rather than pouring her heart and soul into her practice. And now that her story made it to the ATL newsfeed, I’m sure there are critics out there who think she is blaming her law practice as an excuse for not being able to fix her personal issues.

To these keyboard critics, stop being all high and mighty and cut Vivian some freaking slack. She’s getting a divorce, and she’s going to have to live with it for the rest of her life. Yes, her choices may have played a role in this. But her choices are not as simple as choosing between a night out with the spouse or billing an extra three hours to make the overdue BMW lease payment.

With the exception of the Privileged Pierces of this world, most new solo practitioners have to work long hours just to feed themselves and keep the lights on for an extra month. You may have heard about the solo practitioner with mortgage-grade student loans who made only $20,000 in her first year. This is what almost every new, unconnected solo practitioner has to go through in the beginning, even if they did it voluntarily. Most of our free time is spent on business development activities that may or may not generate future business. For these people to criticize Vivian’s choices is being hypocritical, narcissistic, and/or full of crap.

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Yes, we make choices. Sometimes we make them based on dishonest and incomplete information available to us. Other times, they are based on idealism and educated projections. While we’ll probably never know what decisions Vivian actually made that led to her divorce, I think most of them were motivated by her desire to run a successful practice and eventually provide for her family, despite the odds against her. For this, her choices should not be criticized, but instead should be studied so that others will not share the same outcome.

My only criticism of Vivian’s blog post is that she tries too hard to spin this to make herself look like a virtuous professional. Look, we all hate failure too. Most of us strive to do good work for our clients and some of us also go the extra mile. You’re getting a divorce. Now is not the time to project your A-game. It’s okay to be upset, sad, and reflective. Trying to subtly sell yourself in this context makes you look disingenuous. I hope to hear your future insights.

One final thought — with everything else being equal, would I refer potential clients or do business with someone who is willing to sacrifice her marriage for her career? I know many attorneys who have both successful careers and marriages. Also, if someone is willing to ditch a marriage because she didn’t like it, would she be just as willing to ditch a business partnership? So I guess the answer probably is: it depends. I think.

For the one or two people who read this column regularly, I wanted to let you know that I really enjoy my new position, so I will not be posting about my career plans until I figure out what to do next. For next week’s post, I will answer some frequently asked questions and address some criticisms I have received. I look forward to your questions. Or just troll on.

Virtual Office NYC Attorney: My Solo Practice Ended My Marriage [Law Firm Suites]

Earlier: The End Of The Race?

Shannon Achimalbe was a former solo practitioner for five years before deciding to sell out and get back on the corporate ladder. Shannon can be reached at sachimalbe@excite.com.

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