Getting Drunk For The 2015 State Of The Union

Grab a beer and let's settle in to watch the State of the Union.

You’re lawyers, so statistically speaking, you probably don’t need an excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday. Hell, some of you are drunk right now. But if you’re up for a game of Legally Drinking as we call it around here, we’ve compiled some drinking game rules for lawyers watching tonight’s State of the Union address. Past players will notice a few holdovers from previous editions of the game, as well as some new entries. New year, new buzz.

Unless otherwise noted, take a sip whenever these come up:

(Pre-Speech) For every absent Supreme Court justice — Some cloying announcer will point out that individual justices are not obligated to attend the State of the Union. Justice Thomas avoids the speech like it’s an insightful question at oral argument. Who else will sit this one out? Will Justice Alito come back this year? And if so, will he avoid looking like a petulant child?

(Once the speech begins) Every time you see a Supreme Court justice — Pretty self-explanatory. Most of these will be wide-angle shots that capture a justice at the margins. If the network feed chooses to close-up on a justice then… well, then one of the next two items has probably happened.

Justice Ginsburg goes to sleep — Last time we did this, the rule was “Finish your drink with some Ambien.” That’s too harsh since RBG taking a nap is becoming a reliable trend at this thing. Just take two sips and say something mean about Hobby Lobby.

Marriage Equality — The hot-button SCOTUS decision coming down this year could get a shout-out from the Prez. Maybe he wants to get some cheap applause from half the chamber. Oh, wait, I forgot about the 2014 Midterms. I meant to say, “Maybe he wants to get some cheap applause from Harry Reid and the other 6 Democrats left.”

Police or law enforcement generally — The role of the federal government in overseeing out of control prosecutors who basically admit to suborning perjury to protect cops from the consequences of deadly force. Michael Brown, Eric Garner, and the resulting protests make this the most significant domestic political issue out there right now. So I certainly don’t expect it to come up.

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Cuba — Put down your drink, light a cigar.

Washington/Colorado — Put down your drink, light a…

Two-year law school — Everyone expects the new “free community college” proposal to occupy a prominent position in this speech. If he’s really going all in on making education more affordable for Americans, Obama would revisit his support of two-year law school. Unless those ABA creeps got to him too.

Eric Holder/Loretta Lynch — If the outgoing or incoming AG gets screen time, chug your whole drink and then take a napkin and cover it up just like Fast and Furious, amiright Fox & Friends?

The Constitution — The most legal of all possible references. If the President mentions the Constitution in any explicit way — including “constitutional” or a specific mention of any Amendment — hit the bottle.

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Magna Carta — Legal nerdgasm if the law professor-in-chief mentions the 800th anniversary of the Magna Carta.

Commentator refers to the State of the Union as “constitutionally required” — Kind of being a know-it-all, but OK. Two sips here.

Commentator (or anyone around you who doesn’t know these rules) notes that “the President doesn’t actually need to give a speech” — Finish your drink. Lousy gunner. Extra nerd points for the talking head who pulls out the gem that the State of the Union could be a written message.

A full standing ovation — This may come as a shock, but a lot of House Republicans don’t like President Obama because he’s a secret Kenyan Socialist Muslim. But once or twice, he’ll bring the whole audience to its feet. That’s when you drink.

Obama unveils a new hashtag — Personally, I think this device has moved from demonstrating social media savvy into being plain annoying. Every initiative doesn’t need a hashtag. From “#my2K” to “#compromise” to the ridiculously too long “#dontdoublemyrate,” White House hashtags have proliferated. Will there be one tonight?

When the speech hits one hour and then every ten minutes until it ends — These speeches don’t have to last an hour, but President Obama tends to clock in just around the 1:05 mark.