Weirdness

Guy Throws His Eyeball At Lawyer

This isn't something you see at the courthouse everyday.

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Some pretty messed up things can go down at the courthouse. Some defendants can get mouthy, a judge might try to beat up a lawyer, and cops might make some illegal arrests. But you usually don’t expect to have an eyeball thrown at you.

Yes, you read that right, someone threw an eyeball in the courtroom.

Ottawa lawyer John Hale was quick on his feet in Court Room No. 2 on Friday and, as always, had his eye on the ball.

Upset that he wasn’t credited more for time spent in custody, his client, an Ottawa thief who lost his left eye to cancer while at the Innes Road jail removed his ocular prosthetic and threw it at the lawyer, who caught it after a single bounce off the counsel desk.

Too bad. If Hale caught it in the air one of his players gets to come back in. Maybe I don’t hang around enough one-eyed people: I thought those things were called “glass eyes” for a reason. Do they bounce these days? Are they like SuperBalls now?

“That’s the thing about this business, there’s always something new that happens,” said Hale, who joked that it was a “new form of retainer.” Told it was a good catch, he said modestly, “I could see it coming.”

Ah. A pun.

Jesse Whitlock, 32, is going back to jail. The lawyer gave the fake eyeball to a police guard for fear his client, who has mental-health issues, would flush it down a toilet in protest.

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I guess. On the other hand, eyepatches are cool. The Man In The Hathaway Shirt, Nick Fury, whatever they called that guy from Airwolf,[1] all guys who don’t look physically imposing, but deep down you know not to f**k with. Hale might have done his client a favor by taking away his fake eye.

Earlier: Tosh.0 Gives a Rather ‘Cocky’ Defendant a Web Redemption
Judge Beats Up Public Defender
Lawyer Arrested For Doing Her Job


[1] Obviously, I realize his name was Michael Coldsmith Briggs III, codename Archangel. On that note, in the nostalgia-obsessed crap factory that is Hollywood, why has there never been any momentum to remake Airwolf? We got that terrible A-Team movie (compare: The Losers, a good movie that was a self-conscious A-Team homage). The reboot is so obvious: the helicopter is a secret DARPA project under the F-35 budget (because there’s no way a plane that useless could possibly cost that much). Once recovered from the terrorists that stole it, the hotshot test pilot realizes the CIA will not be able to keep themselves from using it for untoward missions and keeps it himself. We drag out Jan-Michael Vincent — now 70 — to play Ernest Borgnine’s Dom character. How is this not already happening? OK, back to the story.

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