Biglaw Mommy: Misery Loves Company -- And That's Okay

Being a working mom can be a very isolating experience, particularly if you work in an office without a lot of other working mothers.

The other day, in the interest of research and inspiration, I re-read Anne Marie Slaughter’s article from the summer of 2012 in The Atlantic, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All.” I remember when it came out, my daughter was still nothing more than a twinkle in my eye and, although I certainly felt very passionate and engaged with the issues that Ms. Slaughter raised, in reality, I was very far removed from the struggles she related. And yet, even at that time, I remember exactly how I felt after finishing my first read (of many), and it wasn’t how I expected to feel. In a word, I felt relieved.

Confession: I never read “Lean In” (affiliate link). I know, I’m probably one of the only ones, and for someone writing this particular column, it seems unlikely that I would have skipped that one. But although I have the utmost respect for Ms. Sandberg and acknowledge that she is a rock star who has accomplished things I could never dream of, there was part of me that didn’t really want to hear what she had to say. Oh, I heard plenty from the many adoring fans who, after finishing her books, preached her gospel to the world. I understand the concept of “leaning in,” I get that she thinks the solution to any gender imbalances in the workplace and struggles women face in their careers is to throw themselves headfirst into them. I don’t necessarily think she’s wrong. I applaud her for giving these issues a voice and throwing her considerable political and social weight behind them. But, I also didn’t want to read the book.

Simply put, I knew it wouldn’t help me to read Ms. Sandberg’s cheerleading for the cause and her insistences that I could accomplish anything if I put my mind to it. I didn’t want to hear about everything she was able to accomplish and be instructed that the road to success was to just, you know, also be a rock star. (I also acknowledge that, not having read the book, I probably shouldn’t try to characterize Ms. Sandberg’s message, so this is my disclaimer that the views expressed here are only my impressions of the book from third parties.) That message, although obviously meant to be inspirational, really just makes me feel intense pressure. Because if Ms. Sandberg is holding herself up as a role model and showing me what’s possible, then my failure to reach those heights feels like, well, just that. Failure.

The reason that Ms. Slaughter’s article resonated so much with me, even though I read it before I ever became a mother, was that, by so openly acknowledging the extensive difficulties that women face when trying to have careers and children, she made me feel that I’m not alone. (Even though obviously Ms. Slaughter is also wildly successful on a level that I could never hope to achieve.) The fact is, I could already tell even pre-baby that the road wasn’t going to be easy. I was already hearing about the difficulties of being a mother in Biglaw from friends, many of whom gave up and left Biglaw after becoming mothers. And I also already felt like achieving work-life balance was almost impossible, so it was incomprehensible to me how I would make it work after having a baby. To have Ms. Slaugher openly say that “having it all” as that phrase has come to be used — to mean achieving the level of career success that you would have without having kids and ALSO raise happy and healthy children — is basically an impossibility, took some of the pressure off me. She made me feel like it was okay not to be Ms. Sandberg.

Maybe I’m a Debbie Downer, or a Negative Nancy. Maybe it’s not the right approach to accept that I won’t have it all, and maybe in my role as an ATL columnist I should be trumpeting the ability of women to reach the stars, professionally and at home. But honestly, I’m just one of those people who benefits more from commiseration than from chipper pep talks. It doesn’t really make me feel better to have a fellow mommy Biglaw associate (or partner) cheerfully emphasize the importance of getting up at 5:00 a.m. to exercise and bill a few hours before the day gets started, or tell me that I should want to volunteer for the brutal assignments now, so that I can solidify my track at the firm and contribute to my greater future success — even if I go weeks without seeing my baby. It doesn’t make me feel better to hear that the first year of my baby’s life is the time to work the hardest because she won’t remember it anyway and by doing that, I’ll really prove myself to everyone in the office. And it doesn’t make me feel better to be told anything along the lines of “it’s all about a positive attitude,” or “focus on the positive,” or any of those other nice platitudes.

None of that helps me because when I’m in the thick of it, when I’m working my butt off and I’m totally exhausted and feeling like I just can’t go on, I feel like I’m all alone. Being a working mom can be a very isolating experience, particularly if you work in an office without a lot of other working mothers, and if you’re surrounded by men whose wives do the majority of the childcare or women who don’t have kids and can focus 100% on their careers. This gets back to my column a couple weeks ago: it’s very easy to feel like a failure when you also feel like the only one struggling. No, what helps is when a fellow Biglaw mom comes to me, shakes her head and says, “I’m totally drowning here, my nanny just told me she has to leave early a couple days a week during the summer and I have no one else to watch the baby, so I’m killing myself to leave work even earlier than usual those two days, and meanwhile my cases are heating up and there is not enough time in the day to get things done, and oh, you should see what a colossal mess my apartment is.” That makes me feel better. And no, I’m not talking about schadenfreude. It doesn’t make me HAPPY to hear that someone else is struggling as much as I am. But it does make me feel less alone. In a way, I find it more inspiring than just hearing the positive. Because when an obviously successful woman, who is thriving professionally and personally, tells me that she feels like she’s drowning, it makes me think that maybe I’m also more successful than I realize. That the feeling of drowning doesn’t mean you really are.

So, if you’re one of the readers out there who has admonished me for being too negative, for highlighting the struggles as opposed to just being a cheerleader for working moms, I hope this provides a little bit of insight. There is actually a method to my madness, as it were. I’m not trying to bring women down, I’m trying to let you know that you’re not alone. During those weeks when you literally feel like you can’t go on, that if you don’t sleep you’ll go insane but you have a brief due the next day and sleep just isn’t an option, and the baby won’t stop crying and you can’t stop crying, just know this: Most of us feel that way too, and if we can do it, you can too. And if it helps, please shoot me an email. I’ll happily commiserate with you, and THEN I’ll tell you that you can do it. Because you can.

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Mommy Dear, Esq. is a senior Biglaw associate in NYC by day and a new mommy by evening, weekend, and 3:30 a.m. She’s currently trying to “have it all,” “lean in,” and sometimes even cook dinner. Mommy Dear, Esq. is very, very tired. You can email her at mommydearesq@gmail.com.

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