Biglaw Mommy: You Are Not A Failure

If you want to be a mom in Biglaw, you’ll just have to accept this new reality. You have to learn to resist feeling like a failure, accept your new constraints, cut yourself some slack, and adjust your expectations.

Dear Biglaw Mommies,

You are not failures.

It’s entirely possible that you don’t need me to tell you that. It’s also possible, and I sincerely hope, that you don’t feel like that. It would be fantastic if I were the only one who feels like that on an alarmingly regular basis. But I’m pretty sure, no, I’m quite certain, that I’m not.

In fact, as I’ve spent the last months of my career learning the delicate balance of juggling work and baby, I’ve come to realize that the most valuable piece of advice I received before I ever even became a mom was: you will feel like a failure all the time, and it’s normal. And you’re not. I didn’t appreciate that at the time, but now, oh, now do I understand.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that feeling like a failure is an extremely common working mom phenomenon. And yet, even knowing that so many other women feel this way, it’s an intensely personal experience that makes you feel like you must be the only one in the world. Because on the outside, (almost) all of you mommies I know in Biglaw sure do look like you have it together. You have multiple kids, you’re on track to make partner, you even managed to lose all the baby weight (how did you do that??). Whereas when it’s me, I’m intensely aware of all the ways that my efforts, my reality, fall far short of my hopes and expectations, not to mention the (perceived, anyway) expectations of others.

Yes, I’m certain that many other working moms feel this way, but I think being a working mom in Biglaw intensifies the feeling enormously. Because the thing is, I already quite often felt like a failure even before I had a baby. It’s the nature of Biglaw: the job expects and demands perfection, even from day one. I remember when I was a first year, coming home, and dissolving into tears because I had inadvertently cited a case in a brief that went the wrong way for our argument, even though it was not only perfect for the point of law I used it for, but also was the only case I could find after 15 hours of research on that one point — but from the reaction of the senior associate, you’d think I had just crucified Jesus by including it. (Even though now, years later, I’m actually pretty sure this doesn’t matter — I’ve yet to have a partner ask me to check the cases in an opposing counsel’s brief and then, if I discovered a case that went “the wrong way,” actually use that information in any meaningful way other than to talk about how “stupid” opposing counsel is for citing that case). I remember when I was a third year, being berated for failing to change an internal reference to an exhibit when the partner changed the order of the exhibits at the last minute, even though I had proofed the document 10 times before that. And I remember a few weeks ago when, after being bombarded with emails for hours, I missed one email that came in from the client and failed to change a single sentence in a document to reflect the client’s (minor) edit. You’d think the sky was falling.

This is the nature of Biglaw, and the practice of law in general. It’s precise, exacting, and demanding. And yet, lawyers are human, and we are fallible, and we inevitably make mistakes. I think a big part of the weeding-out process of associates in firms is simply a process of determining who can adapt to these demands, learn from their mistakes, and most importantly, develop a thick enough skin and enough confidence that they aren’t totally crippled when mistakes happen. It’s really, really hard.

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And then, you have a baby. And you’re overwhelmed, and distracted, and so excruciatingly sleep-deprived. Even if you’ve honed your ability over the years to preempt and/or catch any mistakes, and you’ve learned the fine art of being “detail-oriented,” a baby is a game changer. Suddenly, you have this other aspect of your life that is, if possible, even more demanding than your job, and you have to re-learn how to pay attention to the details in the practice of law, perceive the nuances, and catch the mistakes, all on four hours of sleep and while the other half of your brain is worried about whether the fact that your baby was pulling on her ears the night before means she has another ear infection, and whether you should call the doctor, and when you’re ever going to find the time to bring her to said doctor when your cases are all simultaneously exploding. Maybe you have to leave work early because of childcare issues, or come in late because you had to visit that doctor, and you miss an important meeting or you’re just not there when a partner wants to discuss a draft. Your attention to detail suffers, you make mistakes you thought you had left behind long ago, and suddenly you’re a traumatized junior associate again wondering if you can hack it in this job. Add to that the pressure to bill large numbers of hours, which you just can’t do anymore because hours of your day that you used to spend working are now devoted to taking care of a baby. And you feel like a failure.

If that wasn’t bad enough, you also have a tiny human at home who needs, and demands, your attention and energy. No matter what’s going on at work, if that tiny human has an ear infection, someone has to take her to the doctor, and depending on the role your spouse plays at home and his/her ability to step in, you’re going to have to prioritize that doctor’s appointment even if the partner schedules a conference call that is ABSOLUTELY URGENT. And on top of that, your baby loves you, and you love her, and it’s not just that you need to take care of her as part of your obligation as a parent, it’s that you desperately want to spend time with her and be there for her, and it wrenches your heart when she’s sick and only wants you and you have to leave her in the morning to go to work, and you can still hear her wailing 20 feet beyond the front door. And you feel like a failure.

I understand what my friend was trying to tell me early on, when she gave me that valuable advice. If you want to be a mom in Biglaw, you’ll just have to accept this new reality. You have to learn to resist feeling like a failure, accept your new constraints, cut yourself some slack, and adjust your expectations. Maybe you won’t hit 2000 hours this year. Maybe you’ll make a mistake here and there because the baby was up every two hours for a week straight. Maybe your baby will cry harder a few mornings when you leave for work. But none of those things mean you’re a bad lawyer or a bad mother. And you’re certainly not a failure. So keep on truckin’.


Mommy Dear, Esq. is a senior Biglaw associate in NYC by day and a new mommy by evening, weekend, and 3:30 a.m. She’s currently trying to “have it all,” “lean in,” and sometimes even cook dinner. Mommy Dear, Esq. is very, very tired. You can email her at mommydearesq@gmail.com.

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