'Don't Be A**holes': The Graduation Speech You Must See

This is perhaps the most important piece of advice that young lawyers will ever receive.

Ed. note: Please welcome our newest columnist, LawProfBlawg, who will write about his experiences as a law professor at a Top 100 law school.

Graduations have come and gone. Thousands of speeches by thousands of graduation speakers have been heard in the month of May, all with well-meaning messages for the graduates. Law students might be the ones who need the most uplifting of messages, as they move from law school classrooms to bar review course classrooms.

I desperately wanted to give a graduation speech this year. Sadly, no one offered. However, I’ve agreed to share the graduation speech I would have given, if anyone had asked me nicely.

* * *

A Graduation Speech by LawProfBlawg
(Inspiration: Mary Schmich’s “Sunscreen” speech, made into an awesome song by Baz Lurhmann.)

Ladies and Gentleman of the class of 2015:

Don’t be a**holes.

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I know you were expecting some discussion of sunscreen, but things have changed since the 1990s, except maybe for my student loan debt. Everyone knows about skin cancer. The pervasive impact of being an a**hole, however, is a far worse cancer.

For example, some of you have already gone down that dark path. Some of you have refused to share your class notes, even with the person whose mother was dying of cancer and whose dog was also run over by a car. Some of you clung to your class notes like you had the Ten Commandments, but refused to bring them down from the Mount. If you did these dastardly deeds, you need to pay heed. Because you are heading down the path of a**hole. You have taught your colleagues that you will always hide something, even in discovery.

Some of you have started vicious rumors about others. Some of you, entrusted with knowledge, have shown only that you will violate trust. You have taught others you should not be trusted with client confidentiality. You have shown yourself to be a miserable a**hole.

Some of you have bragged openly about your job offers, your GPAs, your clerkships, and other achievements. You have done so because you want that external validation. You want others to bask in your achievements. Instead, they don’t like you so much. You’re an a**hole.

Don’t worry about the bar exam. Okay, just kidding. Ha ha ha. Stop hitting me, Dean! Yes, STUDY for the Bar Exam. And by all means do a bar review course. But just study hard and pace yourself. If you fail it: Take it over. It doesn’t mean you are stupid. It just means you had a bad day. Some of you will think you’ll just be happy if you pass. You are wrong.

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Things that seem ever-present and ominous will no longer seem problematic after a while. Remember your stress about the SAT? The LSAT? Your first semester of finals? Well, the bar will be like that, too. Then your next challenge will be your bosses.

You could go through all your life trying to prove yourself to others. Seeking happiness from external validation, all the while working your way up to being an even bigger ass. You will be mistreated by your boss. You may have been abused by a Socratic method professor. And you will learn from these experiences that it is okay to be mean. Once you reach that position of power, you will in turn be an ass and merciless to those beneath you, all the while obsequiously kissing the feet of those above you.

Remember two things:

1. Remember how you felt when you were in the lesser position. If you remember that, you’ll know compassion as you think about how you should not treat others as you were mistreated. Part of happiness is being compassionate to others.

2. Happiness does not come from outside yourself. It does not come from money. It does not come from a pat on the head from your boss. It does not come from an “A” in Biz Orgs. Happiness comes from within. You are solely responsible for your happiness. It comes from within.

Notice I didn’t say “you are the greatest” or “your generation will change the world.” Well, your class may change the world, but if past is prologue it won’t necessarily be for the better. Sure, you might make some major improvements, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t destroy the world any less.

I’ve gone off my Baz Luhrmann script, so let me rehabilitate:

Maybe you’ll pass the bar the first time, maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll become a partner, maybe you won’t.
Some of you will represent bad people and some of you won’t.
You may never ever pay off your student loan debt.
Whatever you do make sure you continue to donate to your law school,
Or, more preferably, mine.
Because law school isn’t like Hogwarts. It’s like Godfather Part III. Just when you think you’re out they will pull you back in.
Don’t use the usual “I stubbed my toe in the restroom once so I’m never donating to my alma mater again” excuse. Excuses are like a**holes. You don’t want to be one.
First and foremost, remember to donate to LawProfBlawg to thank me for this great advice.

If you are happy, if you are centered, and if you are not seeking external validation then maybe you will not be an ass. Maybe then you will find that balance between serving your clients and being well respected. And, dare I say, loved.

No one ever says on their deathbed, “I wish I had been more of an a**hole.” Even Darth Vader wanted Luke to see his good side. And he was a hugely insecure a**hole.

I know you wanted a chipper message for graduation. And here it is: I still haven’t paid off my student loan debt. But I have hope. And for the most part, I’m still happy.


LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a Top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. Email him at lawprofblawg@gmail.com.