God Sues Homosexuals In Nebraska. God Has Terrible Grammar.

A pro se litigant pens a 7-page handwritten complaint against gay folks everywhere for being, you know, sinful.

Look out, Justice Kennedy! You’re about to find yourself the swing vote on yet another epic legal battle over gay rights. Because now no less a plaintiff than God Almighty is suing every homosexual ever and as foretold in Scripture, the chosen site of God’s final confrontation is… the District of Nebraska.

Or the “District of Omaha,” according to the complaint. Look, if we employed “[sic]” religiously while covering this complaint, it would add a couple hundred words to this post.

Sylvia Ann Driskell, a 66-year-old woman from Nebraska has proclaimed herself the “Ambassador” to “God, and His, Son, Jesus Christ” (remember what I was saying about “[sic]”), which is curious, as the title has no significance in the American legal system and from a religious perspective, her assumption of that role would’ve required a lot more white smoke. Dubious credentials aside, Driskell has God and Jesus covered. If you were wondering, the Holy Spirit got an extension to file an amicus brief — it always shows up 50 days later.

In a seven-page, handwritten complaint, Madame Ambassador displays impeccable penmanship and deplorable grammar as she rants her way through citations to binding precedent like Leviticus and 1 Romans to lodge her cause of action against gay folks everywhere for being, you know, sinful. I knew federal criminal statutes were getting overly broad, but this is ridiculous.

Boastful gays? Hey Ambassador Driskell, walk over to your TV and take it off Bravo. Problem solved.

“Why else would they have been hiding in a closet.” Game, set, match.

Then Ambassador Driskell cites “Jenesis” for the history of marriage. I know I made the “no [sic]” rule, but come the f**k on — shouldn’t the mouthpiece of the Creator be endowed with certain unalienable responsibilities, that among these are the responsibility to actually read the Bible. Not to mention the responsibility to write in comprehensible English. After all, it was the language of Jesus! OK, maybe not, but Driskell surely thinks it was, so run with it here.

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Actually, let’s refer you, Sylvia Ann Driskell, to Webster’s Dictionary because it may have had some edits since the version that’s been propping up your piano for the last 30 years until you busted it out to help you successfully misspell words like “covenient” (which I assume was supposed to be “covenant” as opposed to “convenient” but who knows).

: to become the husband or wife of (someone) : to become joined with (someone) in marriage

: to perform a ceremony in which two people get married

: to find a husband or wife for (your child)

That’s a whole mess of gender-neutral language there, Sylvia. And I can assure you the definition of “parent” isn’t any more “covenient” for your cause.

Sing it sister. America truly suffers the same immoralities that led to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah… it’s just you have no idea what those immoralities are. Because a lot of the Fundamentalist types who want to reconcile Christianity with buying private jets and diamond mines spend all their time building up on the gay angle, but the only reference to anything homosexual in the story is a mob threatening to beat and rape the strangers Lot was housing. To the extent angels are “men” and rape is about sex, that’s something to hang your hate on. But the Bible is actually explicit — in Ezekiel — that before we even got to the mob scene, the reason God sent the angels to destroy Sodom and Gommorah in the first place was:

Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. And they were haughty, and committed abomination before me: Therefore I took them away as I saw good.

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Maybe it’s time to get back to that soup kitchen instead of beseeching some poor federal judge to get those boastful gays back into their comfy closets and off her television. “God made Jill and Grace, not Will and Grace!”

When you think about it, there’s a profound sadness to Driskell’s religious interpretation. Not just that she feels a Supreme Being would care more about sex than child starvation, but under Driskell’s own logic God used to send supernatural beings to wipe cities off the face of the Earth when humans dissed him. Today the only savior her religion can conceive of is the U.S. federal court system. Isn’t that kind of a let down? Or is it that fire and brimstone are too flaming for Driskell’s standards? Too bad this won’t get fleshed out in discovery.

Seriously though, it should come as no surprise that there’s a lot of Bible and Webster’s, but at no point is Driskell going to allude to any statute or valid precedent supporting a cause of action against “Homosexuals.” Unfortunately, that viewpoint makes her more representative of large swaths of America than a lawyer might like to believe.

In February, Public Policy Polling revealed that 57 percent of Republicans favored junking the protections of the Constitution and establishing Christianity as the national religion. That’s the mentality that assumes federal judges should be the arbiters of religious values. It’s also the mentality of Sharia law. Doubtful that Driskell appreciates the connection.

Speaking of federal judges in the District of Nebraska: please, please let Judge Kopf draw this gem.

They always say God has a sense of humor — now’s His chance.

UPDATE (5/7/2015, 2 p.m.): That was fast! Judge John Gerrard just summarily dismissed the case.

(Enjoy Driskell’s entire handwritten filing on the next page…)