The Dream Client List

Who's a member of your client dream team?

Last week, I talked about Warning Signs for When Not to Take on a Client. This week I’d like to talk about something more positive: the dream client. The clients you want. The clients that will make your SmallLaw practice soar.

Here’s Larry Flynt talking to his lawyer after he threatened to quit:

You don’t want to quit me. I’m your dream client. I’m the most fun, I’m rich, and I’m always in trouble.

You can’t always get fun, but rich and in trouble generally suffice. With that in mind, here are some ideal clients for you to set your sights on.

Elon Musk. My dream client. Just how many industries is this guy in? Electric cars, space, solar energy, online payments, the Musk Foundation. For any corporate lawyer, he’s probably one of the very best clients you could have. Same for family law attorneys: Musk has got five children and at 43, has already been married three times, so you know there’s a lot of family law work to come.
(Practice areas: Corporate, Energy, Family, Government Contracts, Securities, Tax)

Jeffrey Epstein. He’s a billionaire financier, so your firm would get some decent corporate and securities work, and he’d be good for the bills the firm racks up. He’s friends with the Clintons and others, so you’d get good contacts if he invites you to his parties. He has a foundation, which I’m sure kicks off a lot of tax-exempt entity work. And if you have a criminal law practice, you’re in the chips, because the man can’t stay away from little girls. Yep, he was imprisoned for over a year for soliciting underage prostitutes, and is a registered sex offender. You’d think that after spending a year in jail, the man would be extra-careful, but you’d be wrong. Check out this picture. Geez, Louise. Is she old enough to drive? Does she just have her learner’s permit and Jeffrey is her supervising driver? Better keep that crim lawyer on speed-dial Jeffrey!
(Practice areas: Corporate, Criminal, Securities, Tax)

Jack Warner. Some would say Jeffrey Webb is the FIFA client you want, since he’s a current FIFA vice president. But Webb has stayed out of trouble until now, and like Mr. Flynt said, you really want someone who’s always in trouble. In that respect, former FIFA vice president Warner is a much better choice for sustaining your practice. Warner, from Trinidad and Tobago, is a major shareholder in a travel and holiday company that somehow, someway always seems to have World Cup tickets for sale, at a substantial markup. Imagine Roger Goodell owning a piece of a very minor version of Orbitz, and that very small company always happening to have Super Bowl tickets. Warner also has a long history of requesting payments for soccer matches be made via personal check to him. And there was some kind of shady business with the 2011 FIFA presidential election involving payoffs that was never fully investigated since Warner resigned before anything could be proven. If that’s not enough, money donated for Haiti after the 2010 earthquake wound up in a Warner bank account. With ethics like that, let’s hope Warner has some good lawyers!
(Practice areas: Hospitality, Sports/Entertainment, White Collar Crime)

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Hunt Family Member. You really can’t go wrong with any member of the Hunt family, even if you’re not an oil and gas lawyer. If you do trusts and estates work, they would be the gift that keeps on giving. Various members of the family have been locked into court battles for years over Hunt trusts. Your litigation practice will thrive with your landing a Hunt, especially family member Albert G. Hill III, who in court filings has been called a “serial litigator, with the inclination to appeal every adverse decision, not matter how frivolous.” Earlier this year, the mortgage fraud case against Albert Hunt III and his wife was reinstated, so the family can also supply your firm’s white-collar criminal law practice with work.  And with a family like this, now a couple of generations removed from the main guy, it won’t be too long before new matters pop up.
(Practice areas: Corporate, Family, Oil and Gas, Real Estate, Tax, Trusts and Estates, White-Collar Crime)

Silvio Berlusconi. Il Cavaliere is great fun. In addition to his three separate stints as Italian prime minister, he’s also a media tycoon and owns the soccer club A.C. Milan (the one with the red and black striped uniforms and “Fly Emirates” on the front). He got divorced a few years ago — it might have had something to do with his latest sex scandal — and was ordered to pay his wife $48 million (!) a year in alimony. His legal issues are so voluminous they merit their own Wikipedia page. And since he’s over 70, according to Italian law he can’t be locked up, so he’s free to keep getting into trouble. Great news for his lawyers!
(Practice areas: Corporate, Criminal, Family, Litigation, Securities, Sports and Entertainment, White-Collar Crime)

Randy Quaid. For the younger readers unfamiliar with much of his work, at one time this guy was a respected actor. (I remember people saying Randy got the talent and Dennis got the looks.) Now he’s a fountain of legal work: suing the producers of Brokeback Mountain, getting arrested for burglary and illegal occupancy, trouble with hotels, and I don’t even want to talk about the latest news story about him. But if I were his lawyer, I’d be a happy man, since every other month the phone would be ringing.
(Practice areas: Criminal, Litigation)

Don’t forget to send me a referral fee if you manage to retain any these folks. And by the way, does anyone out there have Elon Musk’s number handy? I know my firm could help him out.

Note: Good luck to fellow ATL columnist Matt Kaiser in this weekend’s Black Bear Triathlon. Matt, I’m sure it won’t be long before we’ll be wishing you well at Kona!

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Gary J. Ross opened his own practice, Jackson Ross PLLC, in 2013 after several years in Biglaw and the federal government. Gary handles corporate and compliance matters for investment funds, small businesses, and non-profits, occasionally dabbling in litigation. You can reach Gary by email at Gary.Ross@JacksonRossLaw.com.