Biglaw, Kids

Biglaw Mommy: It's Work, Either Way

No one ever talks about wishing they could give up the career in favor of the family. It’s just not something that us professional women are supposed to want.

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Confession: Before I had a baby, I was slightly skeptical when women said that being a stay-at-home mom (“SAHM”) was as difficult as working full-time. It’s not that I didn’t think being home with your baby was a lot of work — I used to babysit when I was younger and I knew what a handful kids can be. But once I started working at a law firm, I did have my doubts that being a SAHM could ever compare to the constant stress of the workplace. Sure, babies cry a lot and kids can be demanding, but it HAD to be easier than scrambling to put out constant work fires, chasing unrealistic deadlines and basically living in your office.

I also thought I was absolutely, no way, not a chance the kind of woman who would ever have a desire to stay home with her kid(s). I was the person who got easily restless on the weekend, who always wanted to be doing something, who didn’t understand the appeal of sitting in one place for hours, zoning out in front of the TV. Also, my experience with babysitting taught me that being with a little kid for hours on end can be SO BORING. And annoying. Kids are so, so annoying. And grubby. And whiny. And gross. All that, plus the very major fact that I’ve always placed a lot of personal value on my professional accomplishments. Like most people in Biglaw, I was always successful in school, as well as many other things that I tackled over the course of my youth. I thought that I would never want to give that up to be a… housewife.

And I didn’t, obviously. After all, I’m writing about being a Biglaw Mommy. But between my generous, law-firm provided maternity leave and a combination of flex-time and some understanding partners, I’ve been fortunate to spend a reasonable amount of time at home with my baby, even though I did have to go back to work. So I do feel at least somewhat qualified to opine on what it’s like to stay at home with your child. And between working, at least at a law firm, and staying home, I’m coming to the surprising conclusion that, if circumstances were different, I might actually prefer to stay home with my baby and give up my legal career — the career that I dedicated so much of my life to achieving. And I’m not ashamed to admit that. Not anymore.

I freely admit that my earlier skepticism was entirely unfounded. Staying home with a baby is HARD. A typical day: Sleep as late as baby will let me (desperately trying to catch up on the sleep I lost getting up with her during the night). Get her up, clean up poop. Settle her in her high chair, prepare her breakfast. Offer said breakfast, then try to make coffee and also prevent her from dumping half the food on the floor. Succeed at coffee, fail at dumping prevention. Half of breakfast ends up on the floor, or on me. Coffee gets cold trying to convince baby to eat the rest of her breakfast. Need for caffeine overrides everything, reheat coffee and pour a bowl of cereal, eat and drink while listening to baby scream because you stopped paying attention to her. A full hour later, clean her up, play until naptime (which is lamentably getting shorter and shorter as she gets older). Baby goes down for a nap, I dive into the shower, and then somehow spend the rest of the nap dealing with email, work and personal, and doing dishes from the night before. Baby wakes up. More poop to clean up. Lunch time, and the cycle continues.

What you won’t find anywhere in the daily schedule, at least until that precious hour or two after baby goes to bed: Personal time. Reading the New York Times, or Above the Law. Watching The Walking Dead/Better Call Saul/anything at all, unless it’s on in the background while you play with baby (and then, if you’re like me, there’s that little voice in your head wondering whether all the anxious hype about babies and screen-time exposure is really true). Babies consume ALL of your time. Not to mention your day is spent doing the same puzzle 50 times in a row, or reading the same book, or going outside to stare at airplanes for hours. It’s exhausting and, yes, boring and annoying, and you don’t get a break. There have been many days when I thought I would actually lose my mind, and I would have given anything to get out, even to a brutal day in the office.

In that respect, going to an office every day can actually feel more relaxing because you can just… be. You can be alone. You don’t have a tiny person literally clinging to you, drooling on you, screaming in your ear. You can actually go to the bathroom, something that becomes almost impossible once your baby is mobile. You can (tsk tsk) go on Facebook and read the news to your heart’s content because you don’t have to watch baby like a hawk to make sure she doesn’t eat the dirt off the bottom of the shoe she pulled out of the closet. Going to work gives you some space, not to mention it gets you out of the house and into the real world, where there are other people who say things more sophisticated than “bah buh bo.”

Obviously, working at a law firm is also very stressful, with the fire drills and tight deadlines, angry clients and angrier partners. Often, you don’t get the chance to go to the bathroom or eat lunch for hours, and much of the work is extremely tedious. Actually, in many ways, it’s really not so different from being at home (right down to dealing with all the crap, ha… ha…). And being at home can be so tedious and challenging that it really is a close call between home and work. But one thing tips the balance.

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When I was home on maternity leave, it took me a while, after recovering from childbirth and adjusting to mommyhood, to realize that I felt… lighter. A weight had lifted, and it wasn’t just the fact that I didn’t have to go to work. Sure, we all like to take breaks from work and vacation is always the highlight of the year, but I’ve never been someone who minded work per se. The difference was that, for the first time in years, I didn’t feel… bad about myself. Truthfully, that’s how Biglaw makes me feel on a very regular basis. Constant criticism, unrealistic expectations and deadlines, and as I’ve described before, feeling that I’ll never achieve the perfection that the job seems to require.

At home, with my daughter, although it’s still a lot of work, I’m the one calling the shots. Well, not really — in reality, babies call an awful lot of shots. But I’m Mommy. I’m the boss. Ultimately, I’m the one who decides how this baby is going to be raised. And while that’s scary in its own right, it’s also incredibly satisfying. For the first time in so long, I’m doing something where I’m in charge, and there’s no one to tell me otherwise. (Except the entire Internet, don’t even get me started on mommy shaming. To all the moms and prospective moms out there, DO NOT GOOGLE ANYTHING.) And even though being a mom is really hard work, the recipient of that work is this incredibly appreciative and wonderful little person who loves me, and I can see the direct results of my efforts constantly. It’s so rewarding, in a way that I’ve never quite found my career to be.

I’m writing this because when I first went back to work after maternity leave, and found myself longing to be at home instead, I was embarrassed to admit it to anyone except my husband and closest friends. I’m surrounded by incredibly successful women who balance careers and family, and no one ever talks about wishing they could give up the career in favor of the family. I feel like it’s just not something that us professional women are supposed to want, not to mention listening to the women of my parents’ generation (melodramatically) lament that women who stay home are destroying everything that the women’s movement ever fought for. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it’s actually okay not to want the career anymore, or to want to dial it back, or find something less intense than the rigors of Biglaw.

Of course, I’m still working in Biglaw. Staying home isn’t an option for various reasons, and for various other reasons, my best option is staying the course. And I’m okay with that, because for all the stressful moments in Biglaw, there are many incredibly fulfilling and satisfying moments as well. But I wanted to put this out there in case there are other women who feel like I do. It’s okay to want what you want, even if it’s different from how you, or others, thought your choices would look.

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Mommy Dear, Esq. is a senior Biglaw associate in NYC by day and a new mommy by evening, weekend, and 3:30 a.m. She’s currently trying to “have it all,” “lean in,” and sometimes even cook dinner. Mommy Dear, Esq. is very, very tired. You can email her at mommydearesq@gmail.com and you can follow her on Twitter here.

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