Gay Marriage, Kids

Biglaw Mommy: There's Hope After All

Thanks to the SCOTUS decision in Obergefell, Mommy Dear's daughter won't remember a time when we denied equal rights to people solely on the basis of their sexual orientation.

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By the time this column comes out, we will have all begun to digest the impact of the landmark SCOTUS decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, in which the Court, at long last, legalized gay marriage across all 50 states. It won’t be the top headlines anymore, Twitter will have found new things to blow up about, and we will have started to explore what this new world of slightly greater equality looks like. So, by the time you read this, the topic might seem like old(ish) news.

Be that as it may, as I sit here on the evening of June 26, 2015, I felt it was only right to get my thoughts down on paper — both my general views on the decision, and how it relates to the subject of my column. Because although I am a happily married heterosexual and thus not a per-se direct beneficiary of the decision, there are so many ways in which I feel that my life has the potential to change significantly as a result.

When I saw the first headline, that SCOTUS held that gay marriage is not only legal, but represents a fundamental right, the only way to describe my initial reaction was pure giddiness. I was just so, completely, head over heels happy and relieved that the Supreme Court had decided the case as I, and so many others, had desperately hoped they would — finding in favor of equality for all. In part, my happiness was for my friends and loved ones who have historically been denied the same basic rights as those who just happened to be born heterosexual. For so long, it’s been incomprehensible to me that the people who I know and love, my family, fellow lawyers, college classmates, all of these people who are just like me in so many ways, would be denied something so basic as the ability to marry the person they love, a right that I’ve always known I would enjoy.

But as much as I was happy for others, I was also happy for the impact that the decision could have on my own life, and by that I mean the impact that it most certainly will have on the world that my daughter will grow up in. She’s just a baby now, and I can only speculate about what her life might be like. It’s entirely possible that my daughter is gay, and if she is, I am so utterly relieved that she might be able to avoid at least some of the difficulties, discrimination, and hate that so many people in this country have experienced for so many years and generations. If she is gay, then she will grow up knowing that she can enjoy the same rights as everyone else to find someone she loves, marry her, and live her life with that person enjoying the same benefits as the rest of us have for so long. But even if she’s not gay, I’m still happy that she will grow up not remembering a time when such rampant discrimination in our society existed that we denied equal rights to people solely on the basis of their sexual orientation. Bans on gay marriage will seem as alien to her as the notion that black and white children couldn’t attend the same school or drink from the same water fountain. Will her world be perfect? No. But it will be just a little bit better.

There’s another aspect of the decision that gives me hope, that relates more directly to this column, and that is the promise of change. Over the past months that I’ve been writing, much of what I’ve focused on and tried to bring attention to is the need for change in our corporate/working culture in order to improve the lot of working mothers, and working parents in general. It’s very clear to me that the problem is institutional, arising almost entirely from a deeply ingrained culture, generations in the making. Law firms are run the way they’re run because this is just how business is done. The punishing schedules and grueling hours are perceived as both a rite of passage and a mark of dedication and professionalism, although it’s true that the corporate world has become almost a parody of itself in the intensification of the “power” culture, as technology has allowed us to become more connected and more available, and the sheer speed at which everything can be done has demanded that more be done. But it’s still an (extreme) end result of a culture that has been long-standing, in which men work their long days in the office without a care, secure in the knowledge that their homes and lives are being run by the women waiting at home. When the women’s movement gained momentum and women forced their way into the corporate world, there was a sense that women had to demonstrate that not only were they equal to the men, but that they could surpass them in their success. The culture was perpetuated.

It’s only been in recent years that some Americans have started to question the way things are done. There’s been the realization that the technology that’s demanded so much from us can also liberate us from traditional working environments, and Silicon Valley has led the charge in structuring new and more flexible working arrangements. There’s also been a backlash against the mainstream corporate culture, with more young people refusing to dive headfirst into the corporate jobs that were seen as the Holy Grail in the 80s. I actually think that corporate culture has been experiencing a bubble just as significant as the housing or student loan bubbles. The demands have skyrocketed, people have been stretched to the breaking point, and we’re starting to see signs that the bubble might burst as corporations, law firms, and banks realize that they’re going to have to compete for talent with the Googles of the world, where people are flocking for the promise of a more balanced and healthy lifestyle, and people might not be as willing to succumb to the outrageous demands on their time, schedules, and lives. I hope this isn’t just wishful thinking on my part, but I don’t think so.

But what does this have to do with the legalization of gay marriage? Progress. Evolution. Breaking free from what tradition has historically dictated and embracing the notion that new and different ways of living might be equally valid, and valuable. It wasn’t so long ago that legal gay marriage was a dim and distant prospect, one that faced such a steep uphill battle that it almost seemed like a pipe dream. And yet, here we are.

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I am in no way trying to suggest that the struggles of a working mother are comparable to the persecution that the gay community has faced, and sadly could continue to face, even in light of this decision. What I am saying is that I now have renewed hope for change, because if something that seemed so remote can be achieved so spectacularly, I have to believe that more change is possible. It might still be a long road, but it may have just gotten a little bit smoother.

Mommy Dear, Esq. is a senior Biglaw associate in NYC by day and a new mommy by evening, weekend, and 3:30 a.m. She’s currently trying to “have it all,” “lean in,” and sometimes even cook dinner. Mommy Dear, Esq. is very, very tired. You can email her at mommydearesq@gmail.com and you can follow her on Twitter here.

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