Job Searches, Small Law Firms, Solo Practitioners

Back In The Race: When Family Gets In The Way Of Your Job Search

Family and financial problems distract columnist Shannon Achimalbe from the job hunt.

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It’s been a while since I gave an update on my job search. I spent the last few columns trying to warn would-be law students. But over the last few months, I have also been going through family issues. It was pretty serious and, at times, emotional. This is currently distracting me from my job search but it has also been a learning experience about what is really important in life.

I won’t get into the details as to what happened but it involved the one thing that causes most family problems: money. This is not a situation where your sister refuses to speak to you because you didn’t loan her money so she can buy tickets to a Miley Cyrus concert. Unfortunately, we faced a long-term problem that required some family members to downsize, and others to help out financially. It was an event few of us were really prepared for.

The experience was like going through the five stages of grief. First, we denied the problem existed. I was too busy looking for a job, hustling for clients, and trying to establish myself professionally. Other family members were similarly busy with their own lives. We thought that eventually, we would have money again and things would go back to normal.

When we realized that the problem wasn’t going away, we tried bargaining with each other. Everyone agreed to chip in more and we looked at ways we can cut back. Unfortunately, this was not enough. I had to deal with demands for money on short notice. My family (especially the older members) do not understand that I don’t carry much cash and whatever money I have is in an online savings account that takes several days to transfer to my checking account. And then there were days where I didn’t have money because a potential client didn’t sign up or a client didn’t pay.

When we couldn’t bargain our way out of this, that’s when everyone became angry. Accusations were made from all sides. Words like greedy, selfish, ungrateful and entitled were thrown around. At one point, everyone looked at me and I knew what they were thinking. Shannon the attorney. Wasn’t she supposed to be the successful one? She’s been a practicing lawyer for a number of years. Why isn’t she driving a Tesla and living in one of those lawyerly lairs? Despite the harsh words, I understood that people were frustrated and saying things they didn’t mean, so I did my best not to escalate things and let everyone vent.

Thankfully, the anger has begun to subside. But all of us are currently going through the depression stage. We will have to make some life changes and give up a few luxuries we were accustomed to. Also, long-term estate plans, legacy goals, and dreams have been decimated. Some of us saw this as a personal failing.

Unfortunately, this ordeal is taking a toll on my job search efforts. This has been a major distraction. Over the last few months, I spent a lot of time trying to help family members through this difficult time, but I spent an equal amount of time arguing with them. This kept me from timely following up on a few job leads and working with my existing clients. I’m not bitter nor upset at anyone but it has been extremely frustrating.

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But it is also taking a physical and psychological toll. Over the years, I have learned to avoid getting into pointless arguments with clients. And on the rare occasions I do, I don’t let them get under my skin for long. But arguing with family is different, particularly when there are long-term consequences. Most people don’t completely cut off family relationships over financial disputes, but they still remember the emotional scars and that can strain the relationship. Needless to say, it has also kept me from eating right, and sleeping regularly. My energy level has dropped and at times it has been hard to think straight, which can be fatal during a job interview. It’s difficult to write a confident, optimistic cover letter immediately after an heated argument. Mistakes and typos on résumés will be overlooked.

So what did I learn from this experience? Family problems are inevitable and they never happen at a convenient time. Parents and other older relatives will get old, sick and eventually die. Other family members may put themselves in temporary or even long-term financial problems. When it happens, I will have to interrupt my life and do what I can to help them. I must admit, I do this very reluctantly. Why? Because they’re family. There are things I will not do even for family members, but I definitely don’t want to see them suffer.

Most young lawyers are busy working or trying to establish themselves professionally. Because of this, it’s easy to think of family as obstacles to our success when they come to us with their problems. We tend to forget that they are the people who will care about us even if we don’t make it to the top or fall from grace.

Going back to the five stages of grief, at some point all of us will accept what happened. Eventually, all of this will pass and hopefully the relationship will get back to normal. I won’t help my family solve every single one of their problems and I don’t expect them to bail me out as well. But if I do fall, I can count on them to help me get back on my feet. Or at the very least, call an ambulance.

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Shannon Achimalbe was a former solo practitioner for five years before deciding to sell out and get back on the corporate ladder. Shannon can be reached by email at sachimalbe@excite.com and via Twitter: @ShanonAchimalbe.

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