Biglaw, In-House Counsel, Litigators

Words I Never Need To Hear Again

Curmudgeonly columnist Mark Herrmann shares some of his pet peeves.

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These are words I don’t need to hear again from my outside counsel. Can we agree that these words are implicit, and move on to discuss substance?

1. “It’s hard to predict the cost of defending this lawsuit.”

2. “It’s hard to predict how a jury will decide this case.”

3. “Discovery is expensive.”

4. “The other side is unreasonably running up costs.”

These are the words I don’t need to hear again from a judge. Can we agree that these words are implicit, and move on to discuss substance?

1. “I don’t like discovery disputes. Try to work things out.”

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2. “I like stipulations. Please try to reach stipulations about the authenticity of documents, admissibility of evidence, and your designations of deposition testimony.”

3. “Where you have a choice, I prefer to use the model jury instructions.”

4. “Please try to minimize the number of motions in limine that you file.”

5. “I try to guard the jury’s time.”

This is the email I don’t need to see:

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After I blind copy you on an email, I don’t need to see that you have “replied all” in response.

These are the words I heard from every Biglaw firm at which I ever applied for a job. I’m delighted that I’ll never hear them again:

“What truly distinguishes us is the quality of our lawyers and the collegiality of our environment.”

These are the words I once heard from a partner (when I was an associate). I’m delighted that I’ll never hear them again:

“I don’t like your introduction. Instead, put the following seven ideas into a single, short, punchy opening sentence.”

These are the words I heard repeatedly from associates (when I was a partner). I’m delighted that I’ll never hear them again:

“You asked me to assemble the set of documents you’ll need for Smith’s deposition preparation session that starts at 9 a.m. tomorrow. We’ve collected about 12 boxes of documents. A messenger will bring them up to your office at 8 p.m. tonight.”

Here’s a word I’m coming to loathe: “Benchmarking.”

So far as I can tell, it means: “Obtaining data to prove that we’re just as stupid as the next guy.”

(Okay, okay: Sometimes you can actually defend yourself on the ground that you’re no more stupid than the next guy. But I don’t have to be happy about it.)

Finally, I have a question about the use of the word “pudding” over here in my adopted home town of London. “Pudding” can mean many things. There’s “white pudding.” There’s “black pudding.” There’s “Yorkshire pudding.” When you finish your main course at a restaurant, you can then select from among the “puddings” on the menu. (If you clicked through that last link, you saw that “cheese board” and “lemon parfait” are among the “puddings” offered.)

But suppose you’d like to buy the sweet, milk-based dessert that has a consistency similar to custard? Apparently, if you live in London and want to order pudding, you’re out of luck.

Mark Herrmann is the Chief Counsel – Litigation and Global Chief Compliance Officer at Aon, the world’s leading provider of risk management services, insurance and reinsurance brokerage, and human capital and management consulting. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Inside Straight: Advice About Lawyering, In-House And Out, That Only The Internet Could Provide (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at inhouse@abovethelaw.com.

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