Your Guide To Getting Drunk During The Democratic Debate

Nothing is boring if you apply enough alcohol -- tonight's Democratic Debate Drinking Guide.

“I think it’s going to be, you’re gonna watch it for 10 or 15 minutes, and people are gonna get bored and turn it off.”

Wise words about the Democratic presidential debate from the next President of these United States, Donald J. Trump. Without Trump and the (rapidly shrinking) cast of stooges on the Republican side, tonight’s first Democratic presidential primary debate promises to be about as memorable as… well, CNN’s usual primetime programming.

That’s why you should ply yourself with as much alcohol as possible while sitting through this thing. Let it never be said that we aren’t here to help.

The debate airs at 9 p.m. Eastern on CNN and will be livestreamed free on CNN.com if you’re stuck in the office. It pits the five Democratic nomination hopefuls with a shot in hell of becoming President (sorry Larry Lessig): Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Martin O’Malley, Jim Webb, and Lincoln Chafee. I say “Democratic nomination hopefuls” as opposed to “Democrats” because if you haven’t noticed, there aren’t a lot of Democrats up there. Bernie Sanders openly serves as an Independent Socialist and both Webb and Chafee are Republicans who changed parties because of all the screws loose on the good ship Republican. Throw in the fact that Hillary campaigned for the GOP in the 60s and Martin O’Malley — the youngest candidate — is the only one who isn’t a Rockefeller Republican or a 60s communist. Where’s the classic, traditional Democratic party candidate? The answer, of course, is “watching from his home in Delaware.”

Here now are your official lawyerly rules for drinking your way to sweet oblivion tonight. Take a sip when mentioned unless otherwise instructed:

Hillary’s email server — Based on the forthrightness of her answer, drink for the corresponding number of seconds on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being Abe Lincoln, 10 being Bill Clinton).

Every time “Biden” is mentioned — The elephant in the room — other than Webb and Chafee — is the absence of Vice President Joe Biden. Given that he’s not entered the race and taken no concrete steps to enter the race, CNN will have no reason to raise the name of a purely hypothetical candidacy for the sole purpose of ginning up artificial drama.

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Oh, right. That’s exactly what they’ll do.

Name-checking Supreme Court justices — Because the best argument for electing any of these candidates is “do you want really Ben Carson replacing Justice Ginsburg?”

Trump — While we’re on the subject of name-checks, have a classy sip whenever the GOP frontrunner is mentioned.

Any Constitutional Amendment — And if Hillary Clinton throws out the Second Amendment to hit Sanders in the soft underbelly of his liberal bona fides, then you know what to do. That’s right… shotgun it.

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“Background check” — The silver bullet of Democratic gun control proposals.

“Living Constitution” or something to that effect — Take an extra long sip. The antithesis of the GOP’s strict constructionism canard is to hail the Constitution as a malleable document that allows us to ignore its actual text to meet our personal moral code. Like a Bible.

Citizens United Larry Lessig didn’t get an invite to the party, but the infamous Supreme Court opinion is part of the Sanders stump speech and a tricky subject for “Moneybags Clinton.”

Larry Lessig — Finish your drink. If the discussion of campaign finance reform prompts anyone to name the missing law professor, we should all celebrate his free advertising.

Shelby County Barring the unforeseen arrival of Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton has this nomination pretty much in the bag, so the candidates can use the primary debates to fulfill their secondary purpose: whipping up the base to donate and volunteer. One way to do that is shining a light on the comically veiled attacks on voting rights in the wake of Shelby County.

Any other Supreme Court decision — Do the Democrats have their version of Dred Scott?

Any candidate mentions legal credentials — Hillary, O’Malley, and Webb are all lawyers, but there’s not much reason for any of them to bring it up. I mean, it’s not like any of them were federal prosecutors on 9/11 like Chris Christie… also wasn’t.

Personal story that obviously never happened — “On a recent campaign stop, I spoke to Carla Maxwell, a 14-year-old single mother, Iraq war vet, and double amputee who works for minimum wage at the local diner. She told me about her struggles with her crumbling local infrastructure…”

Black Lives Matter — The grassroots movement seeking to foreground issues plaguing black Americans today has generated heavy media attention in protests at O’Malley and Sanders events. I would say chug if Jim Webb drops a nonsensically tone deaf “All Lives Matter,” but you know he will, so why bother. If it makes him feel better, Hillary proves you can do it and with the right condescending platitudes no one will care.

O’Malley channels Subway’s PR department — Both have had their share of problems with choosing mouthpieces lately.

POPE!!! — Chug a vial of Holy Water.

Elizabeth Warren — Only slightly less revered than the Pope in these circles. Enjoy the show as Hillary and Bernie jostle like 13-year-old high school girls to prove who’s really Liz’s best friend and who’s really just a skank who made out with Rupert Murdoch behind the bleachers.

Comprehensive immigration reform — When combined with “path to citizenship,” a vague proposal that pivots into a rant about gridlock. You’re better off drinking than trying to glean any specifics.

MOAR debates — Sanders and O’Malley want more debates. Hillary (and by extension, the party) really don’t. A DNC official even called for more debates and got kicked out of the debate by party higher-ups. If Anderson Cooper point blank asks Hillary to agree to more debates, go ahead and pour out your drink for Cooper who will be assassinated by a SEAL Team before dawn.

Difficult to pronounce foreign name-check — Not strictly “legal,” but with a swath of questions bound to focus on the Middle East, watch for candidates to prove their foreign policy chops by mangling the names of influential foreigners. After your drink, try to say the name yourself and if you fail to pronounce it correctly… finish your drink and watch more BBC News.

Lincoln Chafee goes metric — Obviously low-hanging fruit here, but when this comes up, head to your liquor cabinet and pop open another 750mL of booze.

(Next morning) Your office doesn’t have mandatory paid sick leave — Take a sip of hair of the dog as you trudge to work hungover and remember it doesn’t matter who gets to be president if Congress won’t pass this bill.

UPDATE: For livetweeting of the event tonight, follow @JosephPatrice and @ElieNYC (who will be Tweeting while nervously watching the Mets game at the same time).