Movies

Standard Of Review: Pitching The Plot Of 'Legally Blonde 3'

Can you picture Elle Woods as a Harvard Law professor?

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In a classic “news story that is not really a news story” that took the Internet by storm last week, Reese Witherspoon stated that she would be in favor of reprising her iconic role as Elle Woods in a hypothetical third Legally Blonde film (which presumably would be called Legally Blonde 3, even though by writing this column I learned that there is a 2009 straight-to-DVD film entitled Legally Blondes that is alternatively titled Legally Blonde 3. But we can pretend for now that that film never existed). Of course, a third Legally Blonde has not even been green-lit yet. However, these “facts” have never stopped me from doing what I do best — pitch an idea for a fake film!

Most of the Internet chatter in the wake of Witherspoon’s “announcement” seems to be focused on Elle either being the President of the United States or a Supreme Court Justice. I assume the thinking goes that Elle would seem normal in a presidential election cycle that includes, inter alia, Larry David’s doppleganger, a casino mogul and reality star, the possible inspiration for Tommy Carcetti on The Wire, and … Ben Carson. And, according to the canon of the first film, Elle graduated law school in 2004, meaning that she would certainly not be the youngest Supreme Court justice ever (fun fact: that honor goes to Justice Joseph Story, who became a justice at the ripe old age of 32).

However, because sequels occasionally deviate too much from what worked in the original, the third film in a series will often attempt to have a similar plot to the first film. A recent example of this is the Ocean’s series, in which Ocean’s Twelve — instead of being a straightforward heist thriller — veered too far into the postmodern, including a scene in which Julia Roberts’s character actually pretends to be the real Julia Roberts. Some people love the second film, but most critics believe that Ocean’s Twelve was missing the elements that made Ocean’s Eleven a good film. As a result, Ocean’s Thirteen, while not nearly to the level of the original, at least was more like Ocean’s Eleven in style and tone, and ditched the frequent meta moments that characterized the second film.

Legally Blonde 2 is certainly not Ocean’s Twelve. But Legally Blonde 3 should follow the example of the Ocean’s films and stick to what worked in the original: law school. My idea is to make Elle a professor instead of a student in order to twist the original’s premise.

As the film opens, Elle — fresh off an enviable legal career — is the new 1L civil procedure professor at Harvard. Thinking back to her own days as a 1L, she overcompensates by completely repressing her bubbly personality and refusing to befriend any of the students in her class. However, she soon discovers that — unlike when she went to law school — some of her students actually like fun. These students do not respect the new buttoned-up Elle; they talk back to her in class and openly wish on an anonymous law school message board that they had instead drawn one of Harvard’s older, but more dynamic, civil procedure professors. The nadir of Elle’s first year occurs when no one shows up to the high-brow cocktail party that she decides to throw for her students at her house.

Nevertheless, the most popular student in her section (and her most vitriolic detractor, played by Miles Teller, who could use a hit after Fantastic Four) soon gets into hot water after he is accused of cheating on the multiple choice portion of his torts exam by stealing the answers and stitching them into his clothing for easy access (though of course, this plan would not be that useful given that Harvard does not actually give out grades anymore). Harvard conducts its own legal proceeding regarding the impropriety, and Elle is the only professor at the law school that dares to challenge the domineering Dean (played by Michael Cristofer from Mr. Robot because every villain should be played by Michael Cristofer) and represent the student. In order to defend her client, Elle has show her true colors and utilizes her knowledge of fashion to obtain an acquittal.

If you are one of the 10 people that saw the straight-to-DVD Legally Blondes, you are probably saying to yourself: “But wait, that is really similar to the plot of Legally Blondes!” Well, I wrote the bulk of this column before reading the Wikipedia page for the Legally Blondes. So I am not changing my idea or re-writing my column. Instead, in the future, if you disagree with my Suits reviews, you can insult me by saying that I am no better than the writers of Legally Blondes.

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Harry Graff is a litigation associate at a firm, but he spends days wishing that he was writing about film, television, literature, and pop culture instead of writing briefs. If there is a law-related movie, television show, book, or any other form of media that you would like Harry Graff to discuss, he can be reached at harrygraff19@gmail.com. Be sure to follow Harry Graff on Twitter at @harrygraff19.

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