Biglaw, In-House Counsel

Celebrating The Most Important Things On Earth

But what are the most important things on earth? It depends on whether you're at a law firm or in-house, as columnist Mark Herrmann explains.

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I worked for 25 years at law firms, and I learned the most important things on earth.

Then I moved in-house, and I’ve spent the last six years learning the most important things on earth.

Curiously, they’re not the same.

That poses a problem: During this holiday season, we can celebrate the most important things on earth only if we can identify them. Here’s my effort to aid the cause; I’ll share with you what I’ve learned through the decades.

I learned at a law firm that these were the most important things on earth —

In November (and again in December) every year:

This is the most important year in the history of the world! Get your November bills out on time. If you get your bills out early in December, the client may pay us before year-end. This is critical! We may not make budget this year and, if we don’t, we’ll know who to blame! Call your clients and urge them to pay their bills promptly. If you need help, call the partner in charge of your office, and that partner will help with your dunning. If your partner-in-charge can’t collect the dough, call the firmwide managing partner! We need all of the cash in the door this year; next year can fend for itself. After all, this is the most important year on earth!

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What else do folks at law firms perceive to be the most important thing on earth?

When you have a chance of landing a new, huge client for the firm, and you need one of your partners to ask his (or her) client to waive a potential conflict of interest:

Request a waiver? From my client? But my client is the most important client in the history of the world! My client pays us nearly $40 a year in fees, and it’s been a great client forever. Think about the income stream — in perpetuity! Think about the big new matters that my client might retain us for in the future! And then think about my client’s feelings: I know that it’s reasonable to request the waiver, and I know that a sensible client would waive the conflict in a heartbeat, but my client may have particularly sensitive feelings. My client might be insulted if we even request the conflict waiver, and my client might stop giving us work. We can’t ask my client for a waiver; my client is the most important client on earth!

Then I went in-house, and I learned that I was wrong. Those law firm concerns were not in fact the most important things on earth. In-house — even if you have the good fortune to work at a place that resists silly pressures — you’re more likely to hear about things like this:

Four times a year:

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This is the most important quarter in the history of the world! And things aren’t looking so good. Do everything in your power (within the bounds of the law) to defer expenses, so the expenses hit next quarter, not this quarter. (Next quarter can fend for itself.) Postpone the mediation! We’d have to fly there and stay in a hotel and eat dinner! And we might have to pay money to settle the case! We can’t afford that (in this quarter)! And it’s not just the mediation: Defer all travel that isn’t absolutely essential! We want you to maintain the morale of your team, but you can’t actually visit your team this quarter; that would cost money! Visit ’em next quarter! (They’ll probably be happier if they don’t see you, anyway.) And stop buying paper clips! Do you know what those things cost? Buy the clips next quarter, when we’ll be flush with cash. After all, this is the most important quarter on earth!

When the Law Department won’t authorize paying $1 million to settle a frivolous claim and thus appease a client that is threatening to fire the firm:

Pay the million bucks! This is the most important client in the history of the world! This is my client. We get damn near $50 in revenue from this client! Every year! We can’t afford to annoy the client. The client is demanding a million bucks; I know we don’t owe the million, but just pay it! We can’t afford to offend my client. After all, this is the most important client on earth!

When Human Resources and the Law Department agree to warn an employee about improper conduct and to put a written warning in the employee’s file:

You can’t do that! Not to this employee! This is the most important employee in the history of the world! This employee is critical to my department hitting its revenue goals, and this employee is a very sensitive person. How was this employee to know that company policy forbids fabricating expense reports and using the stolen money to pay for a vacation in Aruba? Anyone could make a silly little mistake like that. And we can’t offend our employees who bring in a ton of revenue. After all, this is the most important employee on earth!

It’s funny: Years ago, I heard a judge (in Cuyahoga County Court of Common Pleas, in Cleveland) mutter, during a break in a hearing: “I can’t believe it. Yet another lawyer telling me that if I deny the motion to compel, it’ll mean the end of western civilization. I wish I could hear just one motion — any motion, any day — that didn’t put the fate of the western world in my hands.”

I’m delighted that, during this holiday season, we can celebrate the important things on earth. But we couldn’t celebrate those things without knowing what they were: This year’s profits per partner at the firm; your client; this quarter’s earnings per share at the corporation; your client; the one high-performing employee in your department; and your motion to compel in Cuyahoga County Common Pleas.

That, and peace on earth, and good will to all mankind.

Happy holidays!

Mark Herrmann is Vice President and Deputy General Counsel – Litigation and Employment at Aon, the world’s leading provider of risk management services, insurance and reinsurance brokerage, and human capital and management consulting. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Inside Straight: Advice About Lawyering, In-House And Out, That Only The Internet Could Provide (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at inhouse@abovethelaw.com.

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