How to Deal With Jerks (Part II)

Reflect Before Reacting: Choosing a Wise Response

When we feel attacked (opposing counsel threatens Rule 11 sanctions, refusal to grant an extension on an immaterial matter, engages in name calling, etc.), it’s easy to have knee-jerk reactions. We can react in a very unskillful manner only to regret it later or we can start with self-regulation and find a wise response.

First, recognize that there are no easy answers. As Sam Pryor, a longtime (now retired) litigator shared:

I have no easy answers. But the answers certainly include pausing and breathing deeply before responding. These are the moments that prompt what I call the “splutter response” because they are so outrageous that it’s tempting to just splutter in frustration and outrage. Spluttering is rarely helpful; and it’s sometimes embarrassing when quoted back in filings with the court. After a breath or two to realize that this is one of “those” challenging moments, I may suggest that we continue the conversation sometime later when we’ve both had a chance to think about the issue. I’m sure we’ve all known people whose first reactions are almost always mean-spirited and petty, but there are some whose second reaction, after a chance to reflect, might be more reasonable.

As we all learned in first grade, counting to 10 before you say something when you’re angry is just as applicable in lawyering. When you’re feeling attacked, triggered, and seeing red, the first thing to do is attend to your own emotions so that you can find a wise response.

Mark Perlmutter, former litigator turned therapist, shared:

In addition to initially seeing someone as a “jerk,” an eminently human response, then recognizing our own rage and retaliatory impulse and simply FEELING them without yet acting, we can finally seek to learn the “jerk’s” motivation and take that into account as we plot our response focused on our own goals.

We need to notice our own immediate sense of outrage, indignation, and anger, to pay momentary honor to those feelings, and to let them go.

Engage in Mindful Listening

I’ve had many occasions where simply engaging in deep listening – listening to understand rather than listening to respond — made a huge impact on the outcome of the situation.

One such example is when I was drafting a settlement agreement and we were stuck on one term. When I spoke to the other counsel, rather than explain my position (which was that his client was totally being unreasonable), I really listened. Once he saw that I wasn’t getting defensive but was genuinely interested in understanding his client’s position, he was much more willing to listen to my perspective.

We all have our own bias that can stand in the way of engaging in mindful listening. When you’re listening to the other party, notice when you tune out to formulate your response. Also, notice the tendency to interrupt.

Related to mindful listening is meeting people where they are. Accepting people as they are is a foundational mindfulness practice. Laura Maechtlen, partner at Seyfarth, offered this suggestion:

A friend and colleague, Deb Knupp, at Akina suggested meeting people where they are. There will be some people we interact with who are chronically, and irreversibly limited in their emotional intelligence, ability to care for others, or willingness to even be polite. For those people, she counseled to accept them where they are, but go one step further – to “bless their hearts” for their incapacity to be or do more. 

The act of blessing someone’s heart for their shortcomings changes the equation for me – it allows me to act with more compassion, and allows me to avoid reacting poorly, or taking things personally. So, when I find myself dealing with an impossible jerk, I bless their heart, and move on.

Don’t Take Things Personally

Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity. — Hanlon’s Razor

This is repeated ad nauseum, but it’s worth elaborating upon. We all know we shouldn’t take things “personally,” but how do we actually practice this?

First, don’t assume that the person has ill intent. It may be stupidity or simply a mistake. And, consistent with the blind spot bias described above, the “stupidity” or mistake might be a product of your own perception. Jack Pringle, partner at Adams and Reese LLP, says, “Too often we leap to the conclusion that the other side is out to get us. When you are able to keep the personal out of the business, friction seems a little less likely to burn us down.”

Attorney Nicole D. Mignone shared this helpful tip:

Responding to the behavior, not the individual was the key… I would practice and then use dialogue.

For example, telling someone she is a jerk is unlikely to result in a change of behavior. Instead, specifically address the behavior.

Mignone adds practicing self-care techniques such as regular exercise, eating well, and getting necessary rest is also critical.

Finally, remember that while we can’t control other people’s behaviors, we can control our own thoughts. Don’t give jerks any more airtime in your mind than is absolutely necessary.

P.S. Start 2016 by carving out some time each day for yourself. You’re invited to a free 30 Days of Radical Self-Care challenge!