Politics

The State Of The Union Address: Let's Get Irresponsibly Drunk

Some people watch the State of the Union Address as a point of civic duty. Others like to get drunk. This is for the latter demographic.

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United States CapitalFor the final time of his presidency, Barack Obama will stand before the assembled Congress and rattle off a legislative agenda that they’ll take under solemn advisement before voting to defund Planned Parenthood and taking a two month recess. What is there for him to do at this point but troll Republicans on national television? Not that Obama doesn’t seem to relish that role. I mean, remember this one:

Zing. At this point the only difference between the State of the Union and the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is watching Paul Ryan stave off the realization that he’s traded his presidential aspirations to corral brain damaged goons like Louie Gohmert and put on a serious face for his permanent seat over some Democratic president’s left shoulder. By the way, am I the only one who sees Paul Ryan’s recent shave as a sign of weakness? He chose to grow a beard, the whackadoo element of his own party called him un-American for sporting a “Muslim Beard” so he shaved it off. Doesn’t that completely castrate his tenure as Speaker from the starting line? He can’t even whip his own people over facial hair! Fred Gillett would never stand for that s**t.

Where were we? Oh, right. We’re going to have to watch this thing, aren’t we? Well grab your beverage my Bar(Association)flies and get ready for a night of legal drinking. Unless otherwise noted, take a sip whenever these come up:

(Pre-Speech) For every absent Supreme Court justice — We all know they don’t have to attend. Will someone show up just to brag about ringing the death knell for public sector unions? Is Anthony Kennedy going in for the inevitable Obergefell standing ovation (at least from half the chamber)?

(Once the speech begins) Every Supreme Court justice closeup — You’ll get pretty drunk while Obama’s hugging Ginsburg on the way in, but think of it this way: you’re just trying to catch up to RBG herself.

Justice Ginsburg stays awake — Finish your drink. Look let’s drop the pretense that she’ll make it through the whole speech. She’s got places to go and sheep to count. But in the extremely unlikely event that she gets through this, it’s a rousing send off to the night.

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The Constitution — If the President mentions the Constitution in any explicit way — including “constitutional” or a specific mention of any Amendment — hit the bottle.

Donald Trump reference — Take a classy, luxurious sip. “Tie Republicans to Donald Trump” is the “Lead Dive” of the 2016 Democratic playbook. At some point we’ll be treated to “some people on the campaign trail say we should ban Muslims…” and you take your drink.

Kim Davis closeup — Kentucky’s worst public servant scored an invitation to the event from an unknown sponsor. Her camp (how does Kim Davis have a “camp”?) isn’t revealing who sprung for her golden ticket, because…

She noted, “The focus we want to be on is why Kim is there, and Kim is there because she is standing for the many Americans, who have not benefited under President Obama’s seven years, and specifically had their religious liberty trampled.”

By all means invite that comparison. What happened to the GOP, man? They used to be so good at this whole “messaging” stuff. While Obama recounts millions of new jobs, economic recovery, and a massively shrinking deficit, the narrative of a “victim” of Obama’s America is a glorified DMV clerk who wanted to collect a taxpayer salary while not doing her job. That is the sympathetic figure.

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But the best thing about the Davis invitation is the return of Twitter’s “Next to Kim Davis” parody account.

Jim Obergefell closeup — While we’re on the subject of marriage equality and honored guests, Jim Obergefell is sitting with First Lady Michelle Obama tonight. The First Lady is also leaving an empty seat for Elijah the victims of gun violence tonight who I guess couldn’t find a good guy with a gun fast enough.

Ammon Bundy — Take all your donations and go out on a bender. I mean… I guess this is a story. But this is the State of the Union: there’s already enough gun nuts who want to privatize federal land occupying a federal building without bringing the conversation out of the room.

Commentator refers to the State of the Union as “constitutionally required” — A classic entry for this game. Sometimes it’s hard to fill the whole pre-game and the announcers need to lecture the audience on the obligations of the office. By the way, if anyone notes that “the President doesn’t actually need to deliver the speech,” go ahead and finish your drink.

Birther shout-out — Chug your drink, preferably something imported. Look, President Obama probably won’t bring up his own long battle with citizenship allegations just to get in a swipe at Ted Cruz. But wouldn’t it be great if he did?

The retrospective video — Did you know presidents age in office? It seems obvious but the media cannot get enough of this fact. Gear up for the inevitable “let’s look at how Obama has aged throughout his years of giving this speech” montage.

Have fun out there, but don’t do any permanent liver damage. After all, next year we’ll probably be doing this with Donald Trump, so you’ll want to have something left in the tank.

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