This Is What Happens When Judges Have To Deal With Poop

This judge really appreciates a good poop joke.

poopWhat is it about poop jokes that are so hilarious? Maybe I spent too much time with my five-year-old niece over the holiday, but there is something classic in an almost primal way that makes poop jokes funny. So you can imagine the fun a group of prisoners had with a fellow inmate who shat himself while waiting on line.

That fact pattern is the basis of a suit filed by Darek Lathan against Ohio State Correctional Reception Center. Seems Lathan had to urgently use the facilities while waiting on a line. He asked a guard for permission to do so, and was denied. He then proceeded to relieve himself in his pants. This turn of events led to Lathan being subjected to ridicule by the inmates, which in turn led to the lawsuit at issue.

Judge David Cain, of the Franklin County, Ohio Court of Common Pleas, pulls the case and seems to have little patience for what he considered a minor injury. He dismisses the lawsuit with prejudice, but not before getting creative. Cleve Scene reports the judge’s order was in verse:

Cold showers caused his bowels to malfunction
Or so the plaintiff claims
A strict uncaring prison guard
Is whom the plaintiff blames.

While in line for recreation
And little time for hesitation
His anal sphincter just exploded
The plaintiff’s britches quickly loaded.

It made the inmates laugh and play
To see the plaintiff’s pants this way
The foul, unsightly, putrid mess
Caused the plaintiff major stress.

Claiming loss and shame to boot
The plaintiff filed the present suit
But the law provideth no relief
For such unmitigated grief.

Neither runs nor constipation
Can justify this litigation
Whether bowels constrict or flex
De minimis non curat lex.

It may not be iambic pentameter, but the good judge certainly knows how to rhyme.

Ohio Judge Shoots Down Inmates’ Pants-Pooping Lawsuit with Poem [Cleve Scene (gavel bang @notgvn)]

Sponsored