The Pros And Cons Of Potential Supreme Court Nominees

Tongue-in-cheek look at potential SCOTUS nominees.

SCOTUS QEd. note: Please welcome our newest columnist, M.G. Aaron. M.G.’s weekly column will bring a satirical edge to the latest happenings in the legal industry.

Today M.G. presents a look at the pros and cons of the potential replacement for Justice Antonin Scalia. Enjoy!

Judge Sri Srinivasan:

Pros: Cons:
  • Brings much-needed West Coast elitism of Stanford graduate to court dominated by East Coast elitism of Harvard, Yale graduates.
  • Uneventful Senate confirmation in 2013 so Michael Bay highly unlikely to buy movie rights to 2016 confirmation.
  • Experience on DC Circuit means already knows to avoid Metro Center stop during rush hour.
  • Told RBG he considered “Marriage of Figaro” Mozart’s fourth best opera, ruining any chance of future relationship.

Attorney General Loretta Lynch:

Pros: Cons:
  • Sets Guinness Record for most female justices on Supreme Court at one time.
  • B.A. in English indicates career in law actually just her “fallback option.”
  • Title of Attorney General might lead uninformed Senators to just confirm her in effort to support the troops.
  • FIFA corruption case about wrong kind of football, so still unknown to most Americans.
  • No chance of such well-qualified candidate ever being held up by partisan politics.
  • Sri Srinivasan provides more satisfying alliteration in opinion bylines.

Judge Paul Watford:

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Pros: Cons:
  • Active leadership in ABA means that many Senators already familiar with Watford from throwing away mailings with his name on it.
  • Many consider Watford’s en banc opinion in City of Los Angeles v. Patel just excuse to show off knowledge of French.
  • Previous SCOTUS clerkship means can skip introductory guided tour of Supreme Court.
  • Concern over health if exposed to cold, non-California climates.

President Obama Self-Nomination:

Pros: Cons:
  • Republicans desperate to get him out of Presidency.
  • Not Michelle.
  • No one can notice Mom jeans beneath robes.
  • Uncertain if breaks during oral arguments long enough to walk Bo.
  •  In good standing with worldwide illuminati.
  • Would start every Kagan/Sotomayor conversation with, “Remember when I nominated you to the Supreme Court?”

M.G. Aaron is a current 3L at a T9 law school. Originally coming to law school to save the world through public interest, the work-life balance of Biglaw persuaded M.G. to use the finely-crafted skills from three dedicated years of study to pursue the nobler cause of helping corporations (the other people). Feel free to email M.G. at: mgaaron30@gmail.com.

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