Small Law Firms, Solo Practitioners

I’d Rather Be A Lawyer Than A Punk Rocker

Maybe someday, columnist Gary J. Ross can turn his daydreams into a reality. But for now, he'd rather be a lawyer.

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Gary J. Ross

Gary J. Ross

Being a lawyer is a lot of things. Fun. Exciting. Adventurous. You get to go to crazy parties, travel the country (or the globe!), meet interesting people, hear throngs of people chanting your name at every stop, get offered the best drugs, the best partners. What a rush!

Hmmm…  I may have my professions mixed up. I’m a lawyer, and I don’t get offered anything, and the last time people chanted my name was back in grade school when the kids were trying to get me to lick a frozen flagpole.  I must be thinking of what it’s like to be a punk rocker.

Because truth be told, being a lawyer does kind of get old sometimes. You mark up legal documents with a pencil. Today, tomorrow, five years from now, you’ll be marking up legal documents with a pencil, and if you’re lucky and ambitious enough to make partner, you’ll be marking up legal documents with a pencil 20 years from now. Yay. People might never chant your name (which might not be all bad — I learned in grade school that people chanting your name can lead to bad decisions).

So which would I rather be, a lawyer or a punk rocker?  Let’s compare the two.

Retirement Plan

One great thing about being a lawyer is I become more valuable as I get older, which isn’t the case in a lot of professions. For example, being a punk rocker. I’m pretty sure the stress over not having a 401k was a big factor in Kurt Cobain offing himself. Of course, a lot of the Biglaw firms don’t contribute towards their associates’ retirements, but some do.

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Plus, even if I had no retirement plan at all, as a lawyer I can (hopefully) depend on continuing to earn money well into my 60s and beyond.  I’ve had clients specifically ask me to find a “grey-haired lawyer.” (The problem arises when they want a grey-haired lawyer at red-haired lawyer prices.) There aren’t a lot of people who frequent punk rock shows that are out there clamoring for grey-haired punk rockers. I definitely plan on upping my billing rate once I start seeing some grey hair.

Advantage: Lawyer

Drugs

Lawyers, at least successful lawyers, can generally afford good drugs. And I guess if I were representing drug dealers I might be able to get my hands on some really good stuff, but I would think a lot of drug dealers would prefer to have a non-druggie lawyer.  Plus a lot of drug dealers don’t even use, or if they do use they “don’t get high on their own supply,” so they may not be eager to give anything from their supply — especially their good stuff — to their lawyer.

Punk rockers get some drugs for free, but then if I were hooked and needed a fix at 4 a.m., there may not be any fans around to get them for me (and I might not have any money!). Whereas lawyers, we always have fans around, no?

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Advantage:  Tie

Spouses

Punk rock spouses: Nancy Spungen, Courtney Love, and a lot of normal people who weren’t exciting enough to make it into the column (trust me: I did all the Google searches I could).

Lawyer spouses: George Clooney, Seth Myers, Julianna Margulies

Advantage:  Lawyer

Transportation

Most bands travel in vans, though the more successful have RVs, and obviously the super-successful have their own airplanes, like Donald Trump does.  The smelly tour van has become something of a legend in punk rock.

I don’t know any lawyer who travels the country in a smelly van. Attorneys should be billing all of their transportation costs to clients, and I would probably need to work on my marketing if the clients I were landing had me traveling between cities by van, especially smelly overcrowded vans.

Advantage:  Lawyer

Food

Three words: summer associate lunches. We’d pick out the best restaurant in town. Sometimes we’d go way across town to try out a new restaurant one of us had read about. We’d be gone for hours. (After one such lunch, I was told by a partner to check with him before I ever went on another summer associate lunch.) I used to always make it a point to bring a friend from the firm and then make sure the summer associate knew he was there to be seen and not heard.  What did we care how his summer was going?

And punk rock food?  Bar food and pizza slices. A couple of years ago I went to show and the lead singer was ecstatic D.C. had a Nando Peri-Peri. I like Nando Peri-Peri as much as the next person — or at least I did when I was still eating meat — but what is your culinary life like when you’re excited about a Nando Peri-Peri?

Advantage: Lawyer

Unwanted Phone Calls

In Biglaw, unless a deal was in the process of closing, a significant percentage of my calls were from recruiters, custom tailors, and financial planners (“Oh, it just so happens I’ll be in your building seeing some clients, can I stop by for just a few minutes?” “No?? Why not?”). It would get super-annoying, and if punk rockers don’t have to put up with phone calls from recruiters, custom tailors, and financial planners, then I think it’s definitely…

Advantage:  Punk Rocker

Verdict:  Lawyer 4, Punk Rocker 1

Yep, as I suspected, I’d rather be a lawyer than a punk rocker. When we’re young, hedonism and decadence seems glamorous. Keith Richards, Sid Vicious, and yes, Kurt Cobain are seen as people to look up to. Then we get older and living longer and staying in good health becomes more important, and maybe we start paying attention to folks like Tony Robbins. I know I would rather daydream about being a punk rocker, and then go back to the reality of being a lawyer. Now where’s my favorite pencil?

Gary J. Ross opened his own practice, Jackson Ross PLLC, in 2013 after several years in Biglaw and the federal government. Gary handles corporate and securities matters for startups, large and small businesses, private equity funds, and investors in each, and also has a number of non-profit clients. You can reach Gary by email at Gary.Ross@JacksonRossLaw.com.

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