Masturbation, Sex

This Horny Lawyer's Strangely Moving Sex Diary Has A 'Happy Ending'

A married lawyer gets a massage with a "happy ending" -- and confesses to his wife. You won't believe what happens next....

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massage with happy endingI’m a big fan of New York magazine, which has flourished in the decade-plus since Adam Moss took over. I’m a longtime subscriber, loyal reader, and occasional contributor to its pages.

I must confess, however, that I often skip the “Sex Diaries” feature (unless, well, a lesbian law student is involved). In my opinion, the diaries all too often have a desultory feeling — this happened, then this happened, then this happened.

So I was pleasantly surprised by this week’s sex diary, which has a wonderful narrative arc. It stars a 38-year-old, straight male lawyer (which is why readers sent it our way). The diarist lives in Murray Hill with his wife and their six-month-old daughter.

He works at a law firm — where he most definitely doesn’t want to sleep with his boss:

3:00 p.m. Someone I don’t want to f**k? My boss at the law firm. She’s kind of a beast. And I can say that without feeling misogynistic because she’s as ugly on the inside as she is on the outside.

Sorry, guys, Disclosure is just a movie. And, of course, our protagonist is married.

Alas, he’s not getting much on the home front either:

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7:00 p.m. I come home to a sleeping baby and my wife half-dead on the couch. Our daughter is 6 months old and we have only made love ONCE since she was born. I’m not alarmed by this, but my penis might be.

Actually, many married men I know would be perfectly happy with getting sex once every six months. It seems, however, that our hero is hornier than that; almost every day of his diary begins with morning masturbation. But then he comes up with a solution to his problems:

9:00 a.m. I have a brilliant idea. A happy ending. I went once in the past and wonder if that [massage parlor] is still around.

He finds the location and recruits a buddy (hereinafter “Buddy”) to go with him. He puts himself in the hands of one “Nancy”:

7:45 p.m. The massage is actually phenomenal. So far, no hints of eroticism and I’m somewhat relieved. And then she turns me over.

7:46 p.m. Buddy said the code word had something to with “washcloth.” So when she says, “You want washcloth?” I nervously say, “Yes.” A moment later, she is fondling my non-erect penis with lubed up hands. I am too afraid to open my eyes, but her technique is great and within a minute (seriously) I come. And there you have the washcloth.

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So here’s where the narrative arc comes in. When he gets home, he can’t keep the secret:

9:30 p.m. When I get home to wife, I confess. I’m telling you, I have a very cool wife. She initially laughs her ass off. Then she wants every detail…

10:30 p.m. I’ve told my wife everything over some wine and she is having a real hoot over it all. I’m glad I said something. The first thing she did was make me take a long, scrub-heavy shower; she also told me to throw my sweatshirt away and put the rest of my clothes in the washing machine pronto. Fair enough.

And then, two days later, the six-month drought comes to an end:

8:00 a.m. [After putting my daughter] down for her morning nap, I crawl back into bed with my wife, and guess what…. we have morning sex!!!!!

8:30 a.m. It doesn’t last long, but it’s hot and intense. She rides me like a maniac until she comes. I’m happy she came. She needed it.

3:00 p.m. We have a great family day.

6:oo p.m. The baby is in bed, so we finish up Catastrophe. My wife jokes, not for the first time, that she hopes it has a “happy ending.” I love my wife.

Isn’t that a delightful short story? Narrative tension, climax, and a happy ending — what more could you ask for?

Washcloth, please.

The New Dad Who Gets a Happy Ending in K-Town [The Cut / New York Magazine]

Earlier: Lesbian Law Student’s Explicit Law Firm Sex Diary Goes Public

David Lat is the founder and managing editor of Above the Law and the author of Supreme Ambitions: A Novel. You can connect with David on Twitter (@DavidLat), LinkedIn, and Facebook, and you can reach him by email at dlat@abovethelaw.com.

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