Movies, SCOTUS, Supreme Court

Standard Of Review: Merrick Garland, Movie Star

Film critic Harry Graff speculates on how future films will depict the Merrick Garland saga.

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Chief Judge Merrick B. Garland

Chief Judge Merrick B. Garland

The nomination of Judge Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court of the United States, and the Republican-led Senate’s subsequent refusal to even hold hearings on the nomination, is one of the major stories of the year. But for a cinephile like me, the most interesting aspect of Judge Garland’s nomination is to speculate on how future films will depict this saga. Below are a few pitches for movies, spanning several genres, that will tell the Merrick Garland story.

Drama – similar to the recent HBO film Confirmation (about the nomination of Justice Clarence Thomas), the drama will depict Judge Garland’s nomination in a straightforward manner. John Slattery will play the lead role as the D.C. Circuit judge who is excited at the opportunity of a lifetime but slowly grows depressed as the Senate stalls on his nomination. Meanwhile, Senators from both sides of the aisle work for and against Garland’s nomination. Stephen Tobolowsky, buoyed from his fantastic work on Silicon Valley so far this season, will play Senator Mitch McConnell (you’re welcome America for this amazing casting idea) and Bob Balaban will play Judiciary Committee Chairman Senator Chuck Grassley, who lead the fight to keep their fellow Republicans united in opposition to the nomination. Meanwhile, Democratic Senators such as Patrick Leahy, the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee and played by Robert Duvall, attempt to keep the media sufficiently engaged for months on end in order to pressure Republicans to move towards a nomination.

Comedy – come on, it is pretty funny that a guy achieves enormous success in life and is nominated to be on the United States Supreme Court, only to become a pawn in an election that prominently features Donald Trump. This comedy will depict Judge Garland’s nomination from the perspective of the President and wannabe Presidents. Jordan Peele (newly minted movie star) will play President Obama, even-keeled in the face of increasing craziness. The presidential candidates (or former presidential candidates – I had to edit this sentence after I initially wrote it) – Hillary Clinton (Diane Keaton (finding someone not affiliated with Saturday Night Live to play Clinton is difficult), Donald Trump (Kenneth Branagh, who is capable of doing comedy), and Ted Cruz (the Devil from South Park – thanks to John Boehner for helping out with that joke!) fall over themselves to say the most ridiculous things for or against Judge Garland.

Animated – what kid wouldn’t want to see a story about a judge sitting, bored, in a house, waiting in vain for a nomination that will never come? I smell a hit! Of course, there will have to be some songs, like the surefire hit “Do I Wanna Be a Justice?” (to the tune of “Do You Wanna Build a Snowman” from Frozen) with lyrics such as this:

Do I wanna be a justice?

Come on it’s already May

Sponsored

I never see news about me anymore

Nothing on the Senate floor

It’s like they’ve gone away

Hatch and I used to be best buddies

And now we’re not

Sponsored

I wish he would tell me a concrete reason why

Do I wanna be a justice?

It pretty much has to be a justice.

Action – after starring in films such as Riddick and The Last Witch Hunter, playing Judge Garland is, of course, a natural career progression for Vin Diesel. As Judge Garland, Diesel will speak in his typical slow cadence and say things like “I live my life one Federal Reporter at a time.” But when the evil Senator Grassley (Kurt Russell – yes I know he was a good guy in Furious 7, bear with me) prevents the Judiciary Committee from hearing the nomination, Judge Garland fights back, bringing in his “family,” a rag-tag team of other appellate judges who engage in underground, late-night judging competitions. Of course, while not truly part of his “family,” Judge Garland has an ally in President Obama (The Rock), who was initially wary of Garland but has slowly but surely gained respect for him over the years. The conflict culminates with a bare-knuckle brawl between Judge Garland and Senator Grassley on the Senate floor. Actually this plot is sounding way too close to the parody of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington in The Simpsons episode “Beyond Blunderdome.” Let’s move on.

Fantasy – Merrick of House Garland is elevated by Supreme Ruler Barack of House Obama to the High Court, one of the most prestigious appointments in all the realm. But Barack of House Obama has enemies – the scheming Mitch of House McConnell and Chuck of House Grassley – who threaten retribution against any House that attempts to help Merrick. Merrick thus must commence a journey that will take him throughout the realm, as he’ll visit with a three-eyed raven, some talking trees, some witches, and many other mythical beasts. Ultimately, a huge twist occurs – Merrick is initially unable to complete his journey but is then given another chance due to the magical powers of Hillary of House Clinton. Everyone then debates the ethics of revealing spoilers on social media, while I question whether the twist was even that surprising to begin with.

Avant-Garde – a movie consisting solely of Judge Garland sitting alone in a room for hours on end, waiting for a phone call that never comes.

Earlier: Standard Of Review: Confirming That You Don’t Need To Watch ‘Confirmation’

Harry Graff is a litigation associate at a firm, but he spends days wishing that he was writing about film, television, literature, and pop culture instead of writing briefs. If there is a law-related movie, television show, book, or any other form of media that you would like Harry Graff to discuss, he can be reached at harrygraff19@gmail.com. Be sure to follow Harry Graff on Twitter at @harrygraff19.

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