Biglaw, Weirdness

Biglaw Firm Inundated With Rambling, Genius Conspiracy Theory Memo

NYU Law and Satan all in one letter? Sure, why not?

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Email in InboxAttorneys at Cadwalader are receiving, in alphabetical order, a magnificently deep email that is either complete drivel or high abstract comedy (chose any definition of “high” that you want). Personally, I think it’s the latter, but make up your own minds.

The message, from someone identified only as “Real Sneaky,” offers insights into “‘Forward Thinking’ ‘Thought Leadership’ in Hebrew Prophecy,” which is, at least at the outset, framed around the upcoming election before it veers wildly off the rails and delves into hallucinogens, coffee enemas, and Nietzsche.

I have for you something like an unorthodox CLE. It is important because Hillary Clinton believes in loving-kindness and Donald Trump venerates the Bible. The presidency is expected to understand a very traditional religious issue. President George Washington the Mason was a mystic. Bill Gates the dropout and Steve Jobs the charismatic cult leader both profess to experimentation with LSD. Washington’s Masonry and Jobs’s cult leadership are substantially the same issue. For your benefit, I offer to explain it herein. Welcome!

Well, that would be pretty unorthodox, but my reporting cycle is coming up so let’s dance!

Please tolerate this pretense: I HAVE A DREAM! I have a dream that you discover state-of-the-art Holosync meditation for yourself. The coffee enema is its cousin. Each is quite the sensation. Reishi coffee is a classy touch for classy people, otherwise known as extra-strength.

We’re all about class here. That said, I’m more of a tea enema guy.

Earl Grey. Two sugars.

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Let me now christen myself as a Hebrew prophet. Call me realsneaky. I was realsneaky the author of the Tactics. Such things go over well. No one expected realsneaky the Hebrew prophet. The concept may take a second or two. It could catch you off guard, at which point it becomes profound, your personal “thief in the night” moment. Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Does that count? I also go by the name His Holiness the Drama Lama in order to promote state-of-the-art Holosync meditation, but that joke is for later. Ditto the name Felonious Monk. I am a favorite in the Belmont Stakes. I am the first prophet to be minted from the Strassman mold.

“I am a favorite in the Belmont Stakes.” This is pure gold.

Each year NYU School of Law graduates 450 members per class. Columbia Law uptown graduates 400 members per class. In 1 Kings 18:19-40 the prophet Elijah assembles 450 by 400 false prophets, ridicules them, and has only the 450 executed. 666 – 6^3 = 450, which suggests the number is damned. My experience at a major firm taught me the power of a “Stop work!” directive. “Stop work” with the 450! Please insist with me on an indefinite hiring freeze on all NYU Law alumni. Below I perform for you the priceless “signs, wonders, and miracles” of a “super-apostle” (2 Corinthians 12:11-12), uniquely “sent” and yet “beyond what is written.” For example, I will carry out Tool’s song 46&2 before your eyes. I ask you, in exchange, for the small favor of ostracizing the 450. My now very successful graduating class is known for murder on the high seas. Call me realsneaky, but tell the 450 “Elijah has come!”

As an NYU Law graduate, allow me to express what a relief it is to finally have my role as a false prophet of the Beast out in the open. It’s quite the load off.

Also, I love that Tool is a revelatory musical act.

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Nietzsche is interesting to the extent that the “self-overcoming” of an overcoming, transcending, transvaluating man, the Napoleonic UberMensch, might be comparable to alchemical transformation. “Is the evolution real?” should be a serious inquiry, one for which Nietzsche scholars such as Brian Leiter at the University of Chicago Law School have no frame of reference. Leiter’s blog might compare Nietzsche to post-modernism or Darwin, but he couldn’t compare Nietzsche’s search for a “life affirming” philosophy encompassing every impulse to Anton LaVey’s celebration of lust and other values denied by Christianity. Nietzsche’s own madness was not unlike an unfinished alchemical evolution. Did he drink absinthe, eat amanita (highly unlikely without an expert pied minstrel), or take LSA?

For those keeping score, we just had Nietzsche, Napoleon, the founder of the Church of Satan, and Brian Leiter in one paragraph — and I am absolutely buying whatever this cat is selling.

After a brief detour through Eric Cartman and Francis Ford Coppola — really — and the story of how the author became the subject of an NYU legal writing exercise, the author concludes with a plan to put up a shingle.

Perhaps we could take the legal industry by storm with a new subsidiary firm, Treasurestone, Wiseman, Einstein, Goldstein, and Farrow. Treasurestone Wiseman rolls off the tongue. In the alternative, “Lateral us.” I have a top-tier J.D., and I must still pay off my student loans. I envision publishing “reform-minded,” “radical” legal scholarship that inserts the coffee enema, Holosync meditation, and entheogens anywhere they contribute to the law. Perhaps such a project is accomplished today.

Perhaps. We dare to dream.

UPDATE: Some have raised the possibility that this letter is not a work of creativity — perhaps, which would be disheartening. If so, that doesn’t detract from some of the great turns of phrase the author works into this piece.

The whole essay is reproduced on the next page…

Joe Patrice is an editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.

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